Christmas.

Christmas day was a success. I ate A LOT of shitty foods, and guess what?! I was really ill.
I ate a gone off cheesy breadstick dip thing, and it made me have vomiting and diarrhea. So, yeah, that bloat came down easily enough - especially since I was at my boyfriends on boxing day.

Somehow now, I have lost weight, like my jeans are huge! God knows how...

I haven't eaten very much at all the past few days, and I can now fit my hands around my waist with ease (Y)  


Anyway, Christmas day was shite. Everyone kept nagging at me for being a vegetarian.

Also, Nan came to ours, and she kept commenting on what I was eating. e.g. don't eat that chocolate because you don't eat your dinner anyway; it's good to see you eating Emma, etc.

WANKERS.

There's no need to comment at all, is there. They don't know about this new developing eating thing, but they knew about the last one, which was ages ago - before I even made this blog. So SHUT UP ABOUT IT NOW!

Hope everyone had a good one :)

Life.

I had counselling.

Not for the whole eating thing, but for the attack.

I hate saying the 'r' word.




The woman told me it wasn't my fault. I don't believe her.

She said that no-one deserves that. I did.
I put my family through so much shit, and still do. I deserved it.

She told me that I need to learn how to control my nightmares.
She's teaching me relaxation techniques.

That's all I got from an hour, to be honest. I hate it. I just want to forget it ever happened though. I want to pretend that bad things go unpunished, because they do.
They did bad things, and they went unpunished. Why can the same not happen to me? Oh yeah, because I'm awful.

On a happier note:
It's half 4 and I haven't eaten today. This is good, considering I'm at home! It's been surprisingly easy. I will have a salad for dinner, as per.
I have been drinking tea and revising all day. It's good food avoidance.

Also, my teeth are stained to fuck. This is because my dentist prescribed me a high fluoride toothpaste, which has consequently reacted with my vomit, and resulted in my teeth becoming enamel-less, see-through and tobacco stained. It looks fucking vile.
I've stopped using it now, but he knew I was a smoker, and he could probably tell that I throw up a lot - dentists know these things, don't they? The wanker did it on purpose - I swear by it!

No food.

Last night I ate nothing at my boyfriends, and he started worrying about me.

I just sat there and said, "Seriously, I'm not hungry at all. Don't worry about me", over and over again.

He told me that girls who eat well get special kisses - I don't care that much!


The night before last, I hid food in my bag and pretended to eat it. Honestly, this worries me. I'm exactly how I was before. A mess.

But tonight, I'm at home, and we've just been shopping as a family, and I've eaten quite a lot. So, I'll most likely purge in a bit. That seems to be the thing I do at home these days.

I hate the food temptations at home. I might stay here until Christmas, and then from Boxing Day be at my boyfriends. I don't have to eat at all then!

Or, try to break the association that I have with food in my house.

Love, sex & insecurities...

Love.
I think I love him, but I'm not sure whether I am just with him to hear the words "I love you" and to feel wanted. I can see what effect he is having on my education - we are skipping college A LOT - and how bad he makes me feel.
I told my friends about what he said about my weight, and they told me I was out of his league anyway, so I had to be confident about my weight because I'm too good for him. So, I figured that if I act confident he'll stop picking on me for his own insecurities or whatever.
Seeing this, I feel really mean. I just don't know how I feel. I know that when I'm at his house I have to eat like nothing, which is brilliant!

Sex. 
I hate sex, so much. I feel hideously fat. When I'm on top and even I can see the cellulite and fat on my thighs. Hideously disgusting. And I feel bad when I say "I'm tired" or whatever - but I use it as much as I can. I just have no desire for sex.

Insecurities. 
I hate how I look. I feel fat all the time. My thighs wobble, my arms wobble and everything else too (but thighs and arms the most). I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate sleeping naked. I hate showering. I hate having sex. I hate being this fucking fat. I have lost one more inch of each thigh - WTF? Why only one? Why not three, and then I could be beautiful - or at least getting there?
I don't know what I fucking weigh, I haven't seen my scales in ages... I think Mum has thrown them out, and I can't exactly ask her.


On the plus side, it's Christmas soon.... What a joke! Christmas food. Great. I'm seeing James on Boxing Day - and if I eat too much I'm going to bloat like a balloon. Disgusting. He better not want sex.

Weight Loss

I'm losing babydolls... Just not as quick as I'd like to lose this fatttt.

&&& He said that I looked sexy in my jeans the other day - my jeans that fit me again!

I have one more pair to get into - and they're a small size 8 (UK)! And when they fit, I'm going to aim for a size 6, which to be fair I'd say that size 8 pair actually are!!

I gave up on the 30 day thing.. it bores me!

I'll show him love-handles.

I will make him see that I can be thin.

What he likes about me

Last night he listed what he likes about me:

"you're gorgeous
You're good in bed
You're sexy
You have a brilliant bum
You have nice eyes
You have great legs
You have nice boobs
I like your love handles"

The whole list is based on appearance, for one.

Secondly, 'love handles'. Fucking love handles. He knows I'm fucking obsessed with my weight, he has seen my favourites on my computer. He told me I wasn't fat and that he'd tell me if I was... That's him telling me I'm fat, my view on love handles is that you have to be quite fucking large to have them,

He tells me he wants to marry me.. I don't think he does.

Day Five

Day Five:         Why do you want to lose weight? Are you doing it for you?

I am losing weight for my boyfriend, to give him the girl he wants. Also, to fit into size 6 (UK) jeans, and be happy and confident.

I'm at his house now. We just had dinner, and I had about a handful of these little potato chunks and salad.

Not too many calories, but I can compensate this by eating very,very little for the next week!

Food.

I have eaten so much this week.

Monday I binged, really badly. Like around 2000 calories, and threw a lot up. Not enough.
Yesterday, I must have eaten around 500 calories - 600.
Today, I have eaten about 300 calories, and thrown quite a bit up, because I couldn't put my hands around my waist. MUST SMOKE AND DRINK MORE.

My boyfriend is back tomorrow, and I'm stopping at his. Fuck. Fatty.

I did a workout this morning, and walked to college, which is around 400-450 calories burnt. Still feel fat. Exercise makes me look like I've lost less weight than when I don't eat anything.

Salad (containing mostly lettuce) for dinner tomorrow, and I'll get one for friday too.


Day Four:          Your greatest fear about weight loss

My boyfriend finds out, and falls out of love with me, because I'm not the girl who he thought "didn't care about all that stuff".


Also, rejection letter from Oxford. My dreams are ruined. Fuck.

Naughty

I thought I'd start making the old blog look more presentable!

Have been eating less than 200 calories for about a week.

Felt shitty this morning and had a binge/purge session. Now I feel ill as fuck.


I won't be seeing my boyfriend until Friday because he has to go on Student Union training :( But this means I can exercise every night and eat like NOTHING and get away with it. Yesss!

He always has a go at me if I haven't eaten anything - but doesn't seem that concerned (let's be honest, it's not as if I'm skinny!)

Though, he did say when stoned the other night, "You're hip bones are digging into my back, you need to eat more, Emma."  I was happy.

Also, loving how smoking pot doesn't give me the munchies!
My boyfriend also mentioned the word "rape" when I was stoned, which put me on the path of a whitey. It was horrible. I couldn't stop thinking about it then, and the noises and voices were all really loud in my head.
Oh I love it when weed fucks with your brain. 




Day 3:  A picture of your thinspiration and the attractive parts of them.


Mary-Kate Olsen. Nuff said.



Her legs look fabulous in this picture. So much love for this girl. She is officially the greatest thinspo EVARRR!

This is my dreaaamm body. Never having to worry about clothing that is too small, because everything will fit your tiny body :D

Does he love me?

He's playing on his new X box game. Always.
He says he loves me, but I can't trust anyone. What's wrong with me?


Eaten under 100 today. Good times.

Gonna have to have sex tomorrow - I'm thinking of the calorie burn. It'll be every day until Sunday, I reckon.
I don't have to eat much at his house, so it's all good really.


Day two


How tall are you: 172cm
Do you like your height?:  No, I'd probably be skinnier if I was taller.

Ok, so my previous post hasn't said a lot!

Basically, I managed to get away with not eating ANYTHING for two days whilst I was at my boyfriends house. He never noticed until the Saturday morning, when he said, "Emma, I just realised you haven't eaten anything in 2 days, and you haven't said anything, you're not starving yourself are you."


I lied though, I told him that I just forgot about it, that I was too busy loving him to think about food.

He then said, "If you are, talk to me, or just stop because I don't want you to get hurt."

Oh like I don't want you to get hurt by taking some Class A drugs?

Double standards.

His family don't cook much, so they all live off cereal and sandwiches, and I was turning stuff down. Each day, he said that he would cook something for me, and to let him know when I felt hungry. Obviously, I didn't let him know!



However, I'm not stopping, I'm doing this for him anyway.

Thought I'd do the 30 day challenge, cause I have lost weight!!


Day one:               stats.

HW:   72kg
LW:    50kg
CW:    55kg
GW:    45kg
UGW: 40kg


My thighs are 3 inches bigger than the Superskinny girl on Supersize v Superskinny. She was 6 stone.. hopefully I'm getting there :/

He asked me if I was 'starving myself'

I lied to the man I love.

Ugh

I hate him seeing me naked now.

I told him I had a bladder infection. So, it was clothes on, and just hugging all night.

I feel so fat.

Intakkkkee

I have eaten about 20 grapes, and a stir fry :)

I made this bad boy stir fry up myself:
Beansprouts (lots of)
Carrot strips
Spinach (lots of)
Mushrooms

It's really low calorie, and tastes goooood :D

So, I think I'm under 100 calories today, and I ate about 1000 calories when I binged yesterday, and never ate anything friday, apart from a salad (which was mostly lettuce) :D

Moving in..

Let's put it this way:I may need to move in with my boyfriend - Dad doesn't want me at home anymore.

He said this to me last night, amongst many others, but these are the worst:

- "Why do you not be a bitch to your boyfriend? Because you don't want to show him your true colours?"
- "You're a complete dickhead"
- "You can get a fucking job, and pay for your own train fare, cause I'm not doing it anymore."
- "You only got AAAB at A Level, and because college is your life, you chose a shit one - you could have had 4 A's"      (um, Dad, where's you qualifications? Oh yeah, you left school at 14, and because you're a wanker you find it humorous to insult me)
- "I'm not going to do anything to your attackers, I'll let them do what they want with you"  (<- Dad? I don't think he is anymore)


Why was this said?
I snapped at Mum, and said it was because I was stressed out with everything that was going on in my life - even though I apologised for it, sincerely, I got this!


Dad has an alcohol problem, so Mum picked up his bottle of Scotch whiskey, and threw it outside in the garden - it smashed!
He doesn't remember it this morning - shame I'll remember it forever. I am refusing to go downstairs, or talk to him.

He's not my Dad anymore.
I've tried to help him, and he doesn't care about anyone other than himself. He always hurts people because of alcohol.

He can pick on my problems as much as he wants, at least my problem has a purpose. 

Hate myself.

Every day I love him more and more.

But, I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. How the fuck could he love me?




The other day, he said he wanted to get back into some drugs again, like he used to. He said he was really eager to do LSD again.

I told him a horror story about it. His reply was: "If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. But I'm not going to stop doing all drugs because you don't want me to do them."

He said he didn't mean it in a horrible way, but instead he meant it in a way which means that he wants to enjoy his life more.

He told me he'd do anything for me.

I HAVE ONLY HAD 100 CALORIES TO LAST ME 3 DAYS.

I'M FUCKING STARVING SO THAT I CAN LOOK GOOD FOR HIM. WHY WON'T HE DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?
By not putting himself in the way of harm.



Don't get me wrong, he's sweet and lovely, and I love him with all my heart. But, when he and his friends are talking about getting all these drugs in, it makes me feel sick. I don't know what I'd do without him.
We've agreed that we'll never leave each other. And, the thought of him dying, or getting hurt, makes me ridiculously upset. I want him to be with me forever.

I just asked him if he thought I was fat.

I haven't eaten in ages. My thighs are now 1 inch thinner.


Here's my approval to get thinner. And, it made me feel like shit... but I did ask.
I asked him if he thought I was fat, and he said:

• • Emma ****
    And, I mean blunt.
  • Do you think I'm fat?
• James H********

  • Your not fat, but your not thin either. Honestly I like you the way you are, as I say this I'd rather you didn't put extra weight on - but I wouldn't mind if you lost a little. But I love you the way you are now and I'd always love you despite how you look.
  • That was me being blunt, you asked for it.
  • I hope you don't hate me now
• 
  

  
  

My jeans fit

So for some reason I binged:/

My restriction..

I am currently restricting to under 100 calories a day, and have stuck at it for so long now! It's been nearly 2 weeks, and I am proud of myself. I cannot afford to binge when I am seeing my boyfriend every day.

Plus, I'm going to his tomorrow, and he wants me to wear my corset, which will only fit me when I'm the same size as I was around the waist - and guess what? IT FITS ME!

When I put that corset on earlier, I was happy as can be. It's done up as tight as possible, and it fits without trouble!

It's just my thighs now.

I want to be perfect for him, and I will be :) I want him to be able to pick me up and swing me around.

Oh..my..God

Me and my amazing boyfriend went out today, and we had a few drinks, and he kept kissing me so passionately!

He knows that I love my neck being kissed, so he does it a lot.

Anyway, we went to his, to meet his parents - who were so welcoming.

And, we had sex, and it was brilliant. I wasn't scared, and felt so comfortable with him.

Fuck, it was good!

And, that's all :D

it's official!

We met up yesterday, my parents had let me go to my friends house to revise (still grounded...) and I saw him afterwards.

I'm not even lying when I say this - when we kissed, for the first time, it was the most special and magical moment I know of. It was literally like something flashed in my head, saying "He's the one!"

I don't tell anyone any of his secrets - and I usually at least tell my parents what people have told me, or write it on here. And, I have nothing bad to say about him, EVER!

I told him about what happened to me, he was so understanding. His words were, "if you're going to find it difficult for us to sleep together, then it doesn't bother me at all. I will wait for you forever if I have to, until it's right for you. I'm not interested in you because of your body, or because of my own needs. I love you, as the person you are."

After we kissed (which happened a lot) like the third time, I knew that it wasn't going to be difficult for me to sleep with him. I told him that, and he replied with, "It's not about that though, you just tell me what is ok with you. I love you."

I don't know how I deserve this man. He's so perfect.

Usually, I find it really stupid and immature when people say "I love you" after so little time, but I know that this is love. I know quite a lot about him, so it's not as if I barely know him. We talk for up to 5 hours a night, on the phone and on facebook (it's cheaper, I only have 400 minutes, and he has no credit!)

His family really want to meet me, and he wants to meet mine.

He told me that I was the one he has been waiting for, and that his love for his ex-fiancee couldn't have been love, compared with how he feels about me.

Anyway, we had a drink, and then we walked down the river holding hands. Then it started raining, so we hid under a tree for a bit. It was really romantic, with the lights of the city sparkling on the river. He kept telling me how much he loved me.

The rain got quite bad, so we went to his car - but he asked me first if that was ok, because he knows I get scared of silly things like that. I felt so safe with him, so I did, and it was fine :D

He always tells me that I'm beautiful, perfect, that I'm "the one" and that he loves me. We don't get embarrassed about anything we say to each other either, we just spill out our hearts to one another. I really fucking miss him right now though!




Oh, and on an eating note.. I have been eating under 100 calories for the past 4 days, it's faint-worthy, but it feels so damn good! And, hands go around the waist, with much room to spare - don't talk to me about my thighs though, which are about 8cm away from goal! <3 <3 <3

Life.

Last night he told me that he was falling in love with me. This made me feel great, because I know that his feelings for me are the same as mine for him.

He told me a really big secret of his, and that made me feel really special. He thought that it would put me off him, but his courage to tell me made me even more happy that he was in my life.

At this point in my life, I am happier than I've ever been.

But, it's all going to crash down. 

I have to tell him about when happened to me a few months ago. Then he isn't going to want to be with me anymore, because I'm scared of having sex, and that's horrible.

He says that whatever it is, I can tell him and he'll help me. But, will he?
He says he's been through stuff too, which he will tell me about. But will it be as bad?

He's going to stop falling in love with me. But, he knows that I have a secret. So, now I have to tell him. And, I need to make him understand why I'm so scared. Why I break down when I see people who look like them. Why I get so depressed.

I told him to prepare himself for something very big. But it wasn't that long ago, either, so what if he can't get over it.

I am falling in love with him, and he feels the same. I'm just going to ruin everything. I'm going to break his heart, and hurt him, just like  I've done to anyone else that has ever cared about me.

I'm such a twat. 

I can't work out.

I was so motivated about 20 mins ago to have a really high impact workout.

But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!

I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.

I HATE MY LIFE.

I can't work out.

I was so motivated about 20 mins ago to have a really high impact workout.

But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!

I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.

I HATE MY LIFE.

So, the guy that I love, is now living in Australia. I mean, it's not fucking difficult to send a text that says, "oh I am moving half way across the fucking world soon, so I'll never see you again" is it?

He's such a wanker. He never said anything. At all. I found out from his Facebook for fuck's sake.

Seriously, I actually resent him right now. He knew how I felt about him, and then just said fuck all to me before he moved.


Anyway, I met someone at college. My English Lit teacher told me to partner up with him for a debate, because his original partner had dropped out.

He is so lovely. And, we have been having these ridiculously long conversations over Facebook, and phone. Yesterday, after the debate, we went to the pub with his friends. He brought me a drink, a had a cider (which is some serious calories, I expect, and it made me binge eat later - alcohol always does :( ).
So anyway, he told me afterwards that his friends thought I was really awesome and witty. They also said that he really fancies me.
Later that night, he admitted how he was 'crushing really badly' on me, and that he hadn't felt this way about anyone in 2 years (he was engaged to that girl).
He always tells me how he thinks I'm beautiful, and he says I'm perfect.

And, yeah it's all lovely, but I will break that guys heart, and I know I will. I will ruin everything, just like I have ruined my family (with my eating, and my smoking weed, and my lying and then the really big thing that I hate hate hate talking about).
I'm going to have to tell him about what happened 2 months ago. I'm not going to be able to have a normal relationship ever again. I get scared when people come to close to me. What will I be like if we have sex? Seriously, I'd be shitting myself.
The worst thing is is that he invited me to a hot tub party at his house tonight. I said I couldn't go. There's just no way I could go in a hot tub again.

I don't want to lead him on, and I really like him, and he likes me. He's the sweetest guy ever. I just don't think I'm ready.

Then I think to myself how shit it was to be in love with someone, and not have them love you back. Do I want to be the person this time that doesn't return the love? That's so much worse than anything in the world.

Oh yeah, and he is in first year of A Levels, even though he is nearly 21! And, I'll be going to Uni in September. I'm going to be elsewhere, far away, in the country. That's not going to work, is it?

STRESS!

My UCAS application, for University, has got to be in tomorrow afternoon now. YAY!

Every non-Oxbridge applicant has until January. I have less than a day, and I left my personal statement on my user area at College - what a DICK!


I'm stressed and even more stressed, and stressed some more.

OH YEAH AND I HAVE SHIT LOADS OF HOMEWORK TO DO

I can't submit information from home, cause my internet hates the UCAS website.


I might not even get an Oxford interview. I doubt I will.
But think positive?


I've lost my AS Level results sheet, so I don't know all the module titles.. and my friend has been really slow on telling me what they are.


I feel fat and demotivated. I text the person I love, who doesn't love me back, and he hasn't text me back (I did this last night).

I haven't exercised since Monday. I just haven't had time. And, now I feel guilty. FAT FAT FATTY.

WHY IS LIFE SO HECTIC AND SHIT?



Fucking hell.

Please motivate me...

Please please please kick my arse into gear :/

Once I start on a binge, it last all weekend. Because I'm at home, there's lots of food. I finish early mondays and fridays, so that's a 4 day binge.

Please help me.

Last night was atrocious. I drank that much that when we went to McDonald's afterwards, I ate two lots of wedges, with BBQ sauce. What a fat bitch.


Plus, no male attention all night - because I'm hideous. And, to add to it all, my friend was playing a face all night, which meant that we ended up going home at like 12.30am. I thought it was really rude of her to do so, as it was my mum giving us a lift home, and the rest of us would have loved to have stayed out much later.

So, overall, I had a shitty time. And ate loads. And am now all bloaty and disgusting. And I spent over £40 on alcohol and McDonald's. So, thats £40 less in the Uni fund.

Nice way to celebrate the  18th. Awesome. Thanks.

UGHH

So, my inches are back down to what they were before, but my clothes are still tight on me.

What the fuck.

So, I brought a new DVD - The Jordan Workout - my friend said it's hardcore. I'll give it a go. At £2.99 with free P&P, who's complaining? NOT ME!!

Anyway, it's my 18th celebration this evening. This could be fun. I'm going to the same place where that guy, the bad one, lives. This is because everyone begged me to go there. It could be an early night for me. I'm shitting myself about it. Yay.

From happy to depressed.

He turned me down, again.

He told me he wanted to see me, and I invited him out for my Birthday this weekend, and he said he couldn't make it.



But, I'm restricting a lot. So that's good news. And my new incentive, to get down to 17 inch legs, is a tattoo - since I'm 18 now!!! There's an inch and a half to go.

I'd love to know what I weight right now, but someone has lost/taken/hidden the scales -.-



Anyway, it's my Birthday thing tomorrow. I won't drink much, and I'm having a Salad for Dinner beforehand. Since I'm a light-weight, it'll take me two Vodka and Diet Cokes to get hammered!

My ex, the one I loooove (but don't tell him ;P) asked me if I wanted to go out again :) I invited him to my birthday pub crawl on Friday :)

HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING HAPPY!

And, he text me, not the other way round... that's something?!



In other news, I had an evaluation today for an accommodation place - a nice one, that is also cheap-ish! And, I'm doing quite well at quitting smoking. I'm like not eating any more than usual! So, all is well, and I am HAPPY!


I have counselling on Friday before the Pub crawl, though. So, that might put a dampener on my day :'( Still, life goes on. And my ex has made me happier than ever! He's going to be the person who makes me forget about everything bad that has happened to me. And I love him even more for that (I realised that I loved him, before I wasn't sure, but now I know for definite!)




YAY!!

I hope that everyone's ok :) xx

Why do I binge?

I have realised, properly realised now, that the reason I have gained is because of my binges.

I am eating like under 500 calories a day, during the week. Some days, I am having under 200 calories. And, then on a Friday/Saturday I will east up to 3000 calories of crap foods. Obviously, my weekly intake before I binged was about 4200, as I was eating a solid 600 or less a day. But, then with the binge it was like, 6500 or less. It makes sense why I'm such a fatty these days.


I forgot to say what someone said to me the other day. She said, "you look a lot curvier. Not in a bad way, but at exam time you looked unhealthy". I blame my weakness to my friends encouraging me to eat.


I now have to think of an excuse for NOT going out to lunch for my birthday on Tuesday - my friend has offered to pay, because it's my birthday the day after.

Fuck my life

Nice bit of thinspo

I got ridiculously depressed last night. I binged... then I purged. I AM A FAILURE. 

I would give absolutely anything to look like these girls... I'm just too weak to get there. 

I'm moving.

I have decided to move house... I might go live with my Nan. She would only charge me £30 a week board, and I could get a job at a restaurant up the road.

This is because I was walking to college today, and I saw him. He fucking looked at me and gave me such a cocky smile, as if he was saying "there's fuck all you can do about it". He makes me feel sick. He shouldn't be walking around on the streets, a free man. He's a vile thing, he's not even human.


But, anyway, this isn't a blog about criminals, even though it appears to be getting that way!


I'd like to thank everyone for their supportive comments, I really appreciate them! Thank you so much :)




I'll be moving out soon, I reckon, but this means that my Nan will aim to 'fatten me up' - she buys loads of sweets. And, I don't think she'll buy me veggie stuff - so I'll have to buy my own food (but this means I control what I'm eating).


That's about all for today... Hope everyone is ok xx

I'm depressed.

I'm back at college, and work already seems more difficult. In Law this year, we are only doing Criminal Law. Last year, my teacher said that we would be doing one paper on Criminal Law and the other on Tort, but NO! We're doing two papers on Criminal, which is much fucking harder than Tort. So that really sucks.

The Police have spoken to the person, and he has made me out to sound like a child, who is only pressing charges because people told me to (which is half true, because I just wanted to forget it ever happened). So FUCK THE POLICE - I'm taking action through the Civil courts (I know Solicitors from my Work Experience, so hopefully they will help me out).

I broke down in tears in front of my friend the other day (I thought that I had seen one of the boys who did it). I just couldn't control myself. He just hugged me really tightly, and told me that everything was going to be ok, because he was there for me.

Nothing is ok.

Everything is bad.


I'm scared of everyone. I'm scared of everything.

I used to love being in situations that were dangerous, it made me feel alive. Now, I can't walk out of my house without feeling like I am going to be attacked again.

The Police won't do anything. The main boy who did it has a Father who knows people. I found this out the other day. They have connections with the Police in their line of business.


I can't really eat, which is a good thing. I just feel NOT hungry. I feel sad, and alone, and scared, and angry and depressed. I can't do my work. I can't concentrate. I want to leave, get away, and never come back. Never have to think that I'm seeing their faces anywhere. But I will see them. Everyone I see looks something like them.


England is shit, one looks at the legal system, and thinks "yeah, it's really good, in theory one can always get justice". Then, when you're involved with the Police, you then realise that it's not ok, and justice will never be received. It goes against everything I've ever thought and believed about the English legal system.. and to think I want to be a Lawyer! This country disgusts me. It really does. It's so corrupt.

Thinspirational old photos.

My nan, aunty and I about 2-3 years ago - pre ana

I took this just before my ex picked me up - you can see my ribs through my top <3 (an after picture)

Year 8 prom, so aged 13 (I think)

 Me in 2008, probably 14 or so. My face is appalling. Being ridiculously fat obviously doesn't suit me!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1737151357755&set=t.1088341383&type=3&theater

And the above is a picture of me on Xmas eve last year, I like the fact that my legs look slim... but not slim enough!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=439680308754&set=t.1088341383&type=3&theater 

And on this one (second from the right) my legs look well-bowed :) Love it. Would be much nicer if slimmer though.. 

And that's all really. My thinspo for today is myself!! And my hideousness. 

Counselling.

The counsellor woman tells me that I'm showing signs of depression, with some slight tendencies to show bipolar behaviour.

Love it. Officially mind fucked.

Lol this explains why I have eaten quite a lot though. Now I know why, I can stop eating again. And no longer be a fatty.


I dunno if I told you but the main guy who I was talking about - we can refer to him as his preferred name (which is Wanker) - persuaded me to drop the charges against him. So, I did. Because I'm scared of him, and what his friends could do to me. And, yes, to avoid the police arresting him that day, I had to lie and say "I didn't perceive it as a sexual assault, it just got out of control and everyone else was telling me to report it." I'm glad Wanker can get over it all... I fucking can't.


Anyway, I hope everyone else is ok.

Dropped the charges.

I dropped the charges, and the police haven't arrested anyone, I had to tell them that I was sort of lying. This is because the main guy was texting me and calling me, trying to convince me to drop it. And I listened, like an idiot. So, once again, justice will not be done.

Also, I'm grounded - for going out of the house late at night, to somewhere I shouldn't have been going - indefinitely. So, the immense lack of movement and lack of control over food is REALLY fucking pissing me off. So, as you can imagine, I'm going a little bit crazy, and getting a LOT fat. Nice. Not.

My mum is driving me everywhere, to work, to my appointments. I just wanna be alone. I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, by going somewhere I'm not supposed to be.

It's evil. And when I said that I was going to live with my nan, they replied with, "fine, we'll tell her everything then." And, this would probably kill my nan, her heart is weak and she couldn't do with the stress. That;s a nasty fucking trap to put me in. A very nasty trap.

I know they're trying to keep me safe, but the damage is done, I've had my punishment. I'm going to be 18 in 29 days, so they can't legally keep this up.


Stay safe x

In relation to my previous post..

I went to the sexual health clinic - for those not in England, they offer free sti testing and contraception. The woman advised me that what happened to me was rape, as had a friend.
Thinking over everything, he was really violent and forced me to do stuff I wasn't allowed to say no to.

I won't go in to te details.

The doctor phoned the police, and they've examined me and taken a Written statement. They said it's up to me if I press charges. But, they said I should tell my mum.

The thing is that I don't know whether to proceed with a trial or not. Can I be responsible for ruining someone's life, no matter how much they've hurt me? Would I rather just forget about it, than have a trial continue for months, going over it all again and again? Or should I do this to protect any other people they may repeat this with? How could I possibly deal with the fear of letting people see me, or touch me - I never thought I'd be scared, but the doctor asked me to take off
My robe and wanted to see my vagina, but I was too scared to let him.

To add to it all, they came intoy work on Saturday, and gave me a nasty smile. They had no reason to be there other than for me, they'd never been on before And this made me scared.

So if you have any advice that would en great.

What is happening to me?

I've never been so scared in my life this past week.

I went to that guys house on Tuesday and his friends were there too. And I thought it would be ok, but they got me ridiculously drunk and made me go in the hot tub with them, and we were all naked.

By the time I couldn't really see r talk, I was being fucked by him and his friend. I couldn't say no to them. They never even asked me. They just did it. Later on, they were taking pictures.

I never forget anything when I'm drunk, it all comes back to me hen I've got over the hangover. And this I wish I'd have orgotten.

Anyway, next morning, the guy woke me
Up. He made me do stuff, by pulling my hair and threatening that he'd fck me up the arse so hard I'd bleed if I didn't. He was slapping menaround the face and stuff if I said no to anything. It was so horrible, and o was so far away from home that I couldn't just leave.

Anyway, I have been trying to forget.

Though, when I was working last night, they came in. They kept staring t me when I walked past. I had together everyone else to do thins for me
That involved where they were.

The even worse thing was that they were in there with my ex boyfriends fiends. How do they know them?

And what if they were showing the sTaff the pictures of me?

I was so scared to leve work, because they may have been waiting for me. I just dunno what to do. I wish I'd never have gone to his house. I was so fucking stupid.
Home

Life update!

Losing inches faster than I thought.. good times!

Bought some size 6 (UK) jeans as thinspo (I think that's a US 4?)!!

I also joined a gym :) And today I have burnt 400 calories, and eaten less than 100 calories, so I'm winning - well, closer to winning than I was! And I've been doing as much walking as I can.

I don't know if I've mentioned before, but there was a good looking barman where I work who kept flirting with me, and he recently left. Anyway, I added him on Facebook, and he starting speaking to me on Chat the other day. He was getting real dirty, and said he wanted me to be his little fuck buddy, and was being serious. So he said he was going to call me when he wanted me, pretty much. I know that this sounds as though I'm being used, but in ways I am using him too. It's been 8 months since I last got laid, so it will be nice to have a bit of action... though I am feeling quite self conscious already. He made me feel quite good, though, when he said that he missed watching my "tight lil arse walking around" at work ;) And then he starting talking about how much fun we'd have if we were both locked in the restaurant overnight...
It might be a bit awkward though, because he lives with one of the chefs from work, so if we were together at his, and James just walked in, that would be quite strange!!

I'm getting super slutty... There was this other guy I was with the other day, who I know from college. He wanted to meet up, so I left my friends house and met him in town. We went to these gardens, where we just talked and kissed for a while (he kept biting my lip, and not like sexy biting, it was constant biting, I don't think he had had much experience in the whole kissing/girls area..). But, then he tried to get me to put my hands down his trousers, which I didn't like the idea of, in a public garden when there was people walking past and police walking through (due to the riots!). But now he isn't talking to me, because my friend was a bitch to him on Facebook, for some reason.

So that's the males over and done with.

I plucked up enough courage to go swimming the other day, and swam 800m, I don't know how many calories that burned, but I imagine it was quite a few. And, binges are getting much lower on the whole calorie intake front. Before, I'd binge on say 3000. Now, it doesn't go far over 1000. I feel much more in control of myself. And, there's only 1 every week and a half now :)

Me and my two closest friends have fallen out too. One of them is crazy, so I don't care much about that. Best to have her gone, I reckon. She was going to stop taking the pill, to have the others baby, without telling him. But I'm gutted about the other, he's like a brother to me. But you don't get one without the other. She went crazy at me for leaving her house the other day to meet this guy, because she was home alone, and she was scared that someone was going to come and kill her. She's such a fucking user, she only wants you there when she needs you. And the rest of the time you're useless. I sent her an essay text of how much I have done for her, and how much I've been there, and that she'd taken advantage of my friendship.. She hasn't replied, probably because it's all fucking true!! Between them, they owe me £139. So, I want it all fucking back. Every penny. I don't care if it makes them broke, I am broke because of them. I need the money back.




Anyway, I'll try and update with pictures and stuff soon, weight and whatever etc. Hope everyone is ok n ting.  xoxo

Motivationnnn

I'm so not motivated. The shit I see in the mirror isn't doing it for me. It makes me want to cry. I just need motivation.. Any help is appreciated ;)

Stay strong&&safe xx

My goals.

By the end of August, it is my ambition to have achieved the following:

 - to return to my weight, as it was previous to being caught out (50kg)
 - to not binge every week, and to instead just do a 1000 calorie binge once a month
 - to not purge
 - to 'eat out' every day, and come home to hunger
 - to do plenty of exercise at the gym, or walk a lot
 - to go camping for three days, alone, and not eat
 - to not drink too much alcohol, it makes me eat more
 - to not smoke weed anymore
 - to quite smoking cigarettes
 - get personal statement written
 - book lnat.
 - generally feel skinnier and better.

Hope you're all well :) xx

I've been away.

I'm back now, I've been away for a while, because my parents found out everything about me, by reading my diary.

the moral of that story: do not keep a diary. (especially not somewhere easily findable, i.e. under your bed!)

So, they've made me eat quite a lot. Therefore, I am now fat. And I mean it. So fat, that I'm actually embarrassed to put up my weight, and I resent them for it. But, it's all good, because they're not watching me as much anymore, and I'm allowed to exercise. So, hopefully, the weight should all disappear.

On the plus side, since I've been gone, I have been texting my ex, and he was texting back. Though, I text him last tuesday, and he still hasn't text me back. So that's pretty wank.


I hope everyone else is ok, and stuff.


I need thinspo!

And, this is me at the moment:

Exam time

Due to exams, I am weighing 57kg, that's from Monday, so my nice jeans don't fit me - FATTY. Friends keep buying me chocolate before, and I can't say no when they have bought it for me.

Stopped eating officially again.

Parents had a go at me for being at college mon, tues, and weds this week; cause I claimed that I had dinner there, and then had soup thurs and fri.

Failed another driving test, but only 2 people know, so that's a little bit better.On the plus side, the examiner said that I was a good driver, so he was shocked when I failed.. that's a positive.

This week, I will be staying late at college Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs. My excuse when college finishes next week, for not coming home, will be that I have a boyfriend (this is a lie, even though I am fucking some guy and living a little - yes I'm a bad person, but I wanna feel wanted).

The boy I was supposed to be going on another date with has cancelled, yet again. He has his Showcase on Wednesday and Thursday, and had to go and buy costumes and then babysit or some bullshit like that (he wanted to go out for a meal anyway, so that bodes well for me).

Last exam is the 7th June, Psychology... then it's over. I am running for 90 mins every day in 30 min stretches. As well as this, I will be doing Yogalates for an hour, and then the 10 minute Ab workout. I will be consuming low amounts of calories, because I have become 'vegetarian' (an excuse to consume less calories, as meals are vegetable based to save my parents some money - things aren't good at the moment, they own two businesses and their tax return is due, so times are tight).

I got 100% on my English Lit mock the other day, so I'm happy about that, and hope that I can perform that well in the exam on Monday. My teacher is the co-ordinator for Oxbridge applications, and he told me to talk to him about it when my exams are over, so I'll go and see him soon about that.

Over the Summer, it is my intention to get a job and some work experience, so hopefully I will be out of the house at meal times. That way I have an excuse. There aren't many jobs going at the moment, so if I don't have a job, then I'll be frequently visiting the local library to read, hopefully visiting my fuck-buddy, and hopefully the 'date-guy' (he's called John btw) will want me :)
 - Just to clarify, if John wants me to go out with him, things will get called off with the other guy, I don't cheat, though it does kind of sound like I am, doesn't it?!!

I hope everyone is ok, it's been a while since I've been on, sorry, exams and that :) xx

Last night

So I went out with that guy. He told me he wanted to do it again sometime. I got a hug.

Then today I was being all shy-ish, but after this PA show he sort of, well literally, ran off. I feel shit.

I've never felt like such a twat.

List of bad things:
 - failed driving test last wednesday
 - booked next driving test 1 day before A level exam
 - have exams starting in 2 weeks
 - man I like hates me
 - man who used me completely I'm still thinking about
 - I cannot look at myself without being repulsed
 - I just had an argument with my family, and now my phone won;t be fixed (yes, my iPhone is broken)

Good things:
 - I haven't eaten in 2 days.

That's all. Hope everyone is ok, its been a while.

What a shit day

Parents just found out that I smoke.

Am currently tipping the scales at 60kg after epic binge since Thursday.

Will be taking large mass of laxatives in a second.

Am exercising shit loads.

Will be 50kg again by the end of this week.

If I make 45kg by the mid-may, I will buy myself some nice clothing :D

I know why I'm eating... boredom. I'm in the house alone. So, I'm going to study at college, because it is open this week. Then I won't be tempted to eat.

I can't believe my parents know. Shit. Reminder for the duture: don't chuck fag butts out of bedroom window, when bedroom window is above the drive. FML

Date tomorrow.

I can't go. I can't can't can't go. I'm not good enough, and I'm too fat.

I don't know what I'll wear...

Last night I just cried about how fat I was. It's so stupid... But I still did it.

I just can't go out with a boy when I look like this.

It's half term now. So, I'm at home all day... No walking to college :(
I've decided, I will run every day - on the evening (on the treadmill, because going out is horrible) - and do my Yogalates of a morning. No more Zumba... my friend cannot afford it anymore, and I don't particularly want to go alone.

On a saddddd note, my friends want to go on holiday to Turkey - they have invited me. They want to drink all the time... and they want me to eat before I drink (shit).
How am I supposed to wear a bikini if I have bloated from eating too much?
I don't want to let them down though.

This is such a shit time to relapse.

I need Oxford... But, I need to be thin. Exercise?

This is going to sound stupid... But does exercise actually make you lose weight? Because I never remember losing any weight when I was fatter before.

Maybe it won't ever make me lose any weight... I have such a bad relationship with food... I either eat nothing or binge eat.

Fuck, before this 'date' tomorrow, I'll have to do a 30 minute run and some Yogalates. And then I'll have my 50 minute walk (I have to get to the train station and back). Hopefully, I'll look skinnier than usual... I said hopefully.

Oh for fuck sake... why can't food be in pill form? Then I can just not take the pill and lose weight.

Stay strong everyone... and please wish me luck with this shit.xx

I never know what to title my blogs

Sorry about the lame excuse for a blog title! I don't know if I mentioned but I wassuppose to be going out on a date this evening..
Well he cancelled because he has a lot of work to do - or that he thought about how fat I am now.
To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm too fat for a boyfriend. How am I supposed to be naked in front of a guy, when I can't bear to even be naked in front of a mirror? (sorry about the grotesque image!) plus, I'm pretty sure that I'm still not over my ex. I don't know but I think I am in love with him still. It's sad, because I didn't want to be. He was a bit of a dick. Like I keep looking through texts and stuff to see where I went wrong, and in my head I go over everything that I ever said or did that put him off me. I know the answer in my heart - he touched me, he felt my fat. That's what did it, I'm sure of it. He was fine until then. Then he stopped contacting me. I'll never ne happy without him - I just know I won't. I need him back. I need to be thin so that he'll Want me back.


Fuck sake. I'm going to be starving all through my exams, and I'm going to fucking fail as a result. Shit. My life is fucked. Shitshitshit.

But anyway, enough self pity for now. Bye bye xx

Oh God, what have I done?

Well, at the start of this week we had a parents evening. My teachers told me that there was no reason why I couldn't get in to an Oxbridge Uni, which is like my DREAMMMM! So, I was thrilled :D

Then I thought, well why would I waste my education on being ill. I don't want to fail because of starvation. :( So, I have been eating ALL week. Cookies, chocolate, ice cream, cakes, doughnuts, sandwiches, etc. Absolute dick. Friday came, and I went into college. When I got there, I brought thousands of calories worth of food. I had 6 bowls of cereal, 2 hot pockets, 1 chicken sandwich, a chocolate bar, a giant cookie, a kebab, chips, sweets, biscuits and crisps. I have not stopped eating shit all week. Why????????????????? I must have totalled about 4000 calories or worse.

I want to pass, but jesus, that was ridiculous.

My weight...59kg. Fuck.my.life.

No more. I'm going on a date in two weeks D:

So, my plan is: revise revise revise. Eat enough to survive - about 200 calories or less per day. If I stick to this until friday, then I can buy these really nice wedges I saw in New Look. And, I can't afford to buy much else, so that's all...the weight loss will reward me. I feel so fat. I need to lose weight off my legs...so it's the running machine every night now (Y) for me.

I need thinspo...so I'm off now. Staystrong xx

Oh God.

I am on my first day of fasting after a 3-day binge :O

I ate around 2000 calories on thursday, 3000 on friday and 1500 yesterday. Today, I have consumed 0. I will be consuming no more - apart from sugar free juice and stuff like that.

I was so disgusted with myself, mostly because I'm 55kg AGAIN! I feel sick.

I'm going to do some yogalates later, and I have zumba tomorrow, and of course my daily 4.6 mile walk. I'm not eating either day. I can't afford to. If I could be 50kg by the end of the week, again, that would be excellent. But, 49kg would be better.

FATFATFATBITCH: how do you gain 5 kg in 3 days?

shit. I'm fat. Oh fuckfuckfuck. What will I wear to college tomorrow? Nothing will fit me -.-

I need to look like my sister. She's so skinny. I'm so fat. fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

My plan: try and hold out a binge until saturday, if I make it until saturday, I won't want to spoil it by binging... therefore I will not binge at all next week.

It ruins everything, a binge does. I don't eat on Tuesday or Wednesday, then Thursday comes and I eat like a horse. Disgusting.

Anyway, I'm going to pity myself now. Staystrongxx

I made it a while...then I binged.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while - again! I have to stay away from home until late, so that I don't have to eat - to put it bluntly.

On Sunday, I hid my meat and my roast potatoes, and I ate my vegetables (so probably over 100 calories, but under 200 calories). I hid most of my dinner on monday, I had no meat, just vegetables, and left loads on the plate. So, I probably had about 100-150 calories (there was a spicy sauce on the vegetables, so you can't be sure really on calories). On Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't eat (Y). Yesterday, I binged (N). I think I consumed about 2,500 calories. I ate and ate and ate until I couldn't move, and I felt food in my throat. I think my stomach has shrunk, because I was full after eating a cookie. That was good, but I didn't listen to my body, I just wanted food.

Also, on Monday I went to a Zumba class, and everyday I walk 2.6 miles. So, I know I'm burning more than I'm eating most of the time.

My only concern is my A Levels. Exams are in less than 2 months, and all I can do is sit on my laptop doing barely anything. I struggle to concentrate on revision. But, it would be weak to stop now. I've only just started. Starting is the hardest part, I don't think I could do it again. I should never have recovered. It's just harder for me now, because I never brought up my calorie intake to a high enough number.

I have no idea what to cook tonight. Something hide-able, and we don't already have in the house, so that I'll have to walk to the supermarket to buy it.

Anyway, stay strong xx

Whoa...weight loss :)

50kg. Yess, I thought I'd reached my plateau.

Though, I binged as soon as I weighed myself... I don't know why?
I also purged. Silly dick, broke my purging record thing. I just felt so guilllltyyy. As well as that, I took 4 laxatives. FMLx2222222 -.-
Not gonna lie, got serious chest pains now. Can't concentrate on revision either, fml.

Also, another 1/2ins off each thigh :D:D:D (I just realised I measure with a mix of metric and imperial, that's so British of me! Like, we have both measurements on everything, because the EU say we have to measure in mm, cm, kg, g and such; but we've always measured in lbs, ozs, ins and miles etc. Weird :L)

I may have binged, but next week I have 3 opportunities not to eat AT ALL!! And, the other two days I'll be cooking easily hide-able things :)

Ummm, double date thing on friday. Don't even like this guy, he does performing arts, so probably won't stop singing -.- I don't mind singing, but jeeeesus. He's not like my ex.

Still fat.

Don't know if I said, but last week, my intake per day was under 100/200 calories, it varied. I was happy. But, next week, it's going to be lower than 100, for sure. And in the case of Tues, Weds, and Fri it will be 00000 :D

HAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYYYY :)
I will be skinny.

Loooooooooooooooooove xx

I lied..and almost have been caught.

So, yesterday, I stayed at college until 8pm with Liam, his girlfriend, and a boy who apparently wants to go out with me (which would be nice, because he's lovely!). I got home, and had told my parents I got dinner whilst I was at college - though I'm pretty sure Liam saw the text whilst we were waiting for the train, and got suspicious (because he asked me what I was having for dinner - something he never asks me?).
Anyway, tonight I got back at 7pm, because we went to see King Lear for English Literature - which was brilliant, by the way! But, without even thinking about it, I told my mum I'd already eaten. I'm pretty sure she's suspicious, I can hear she and my dad whispering and stuff downstairs. Obviously, they are naturally suspicious because I've already had an eating disorder.
On the plus side, I have not purged since 4 weeks ago, I think. Also, I have seriously restricted my intake, hiding my food and eating only vegetables.

Does anyone know if vitamins cause weight gain? This concerns me, because I want to look healthy, and this is the only way.

So, I'm going out on a double date with this lad, Liam and his girlfriend next friday (well, I pissed Liam off tonight by not getting the train with him, and he hasn't text me back in tiiiiiiime, so I hope we can still go. I kind of blame Sally, because she doesn't like him, otherwise I would have waited.)

I can't wait....but am nervous. Oh shit, what if he thinks I'm too fat? Fuck. It's only a week away tomorrow, how can I drop to 45kg by then? Ugh, I'm still 51, by the way. FML -.-

Anyway, long story over...loveyouall :) xx

The end..

This made sound really stupid, and maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm pretty sure that the end of the world is immanent.

What with the shocking economy, the tsunami in Japan, the tycoon in Australia, and the Libyan and Egyptian uprisings... In addition, we are creating an agreement with NATO about what actions to take in Libya. This worries me, because there's all the power to begin war, and chances are that war may begin (I saw this on PM's questions on Wednesday).

This isn't that 2012 conspiracy, because I'm pretty sure that Nostradamus couldn't have even been THAT accurate.

Everything is turning to shit. I hate to be so cynical, but it's all I can think about. I wasn't even happy yesterday, when I got my results back (I got A's, in Psychology and Law - in Law I got 100%). But, all I could think about was how it doesn't matter because I literally see no future. Does anyone else see anything? Or is it just black?

Uh, I sound awfully depressing. No-one needs this. Just another rant, I guess, and I'm sorry.

Anyway, stay strong xx

Get in..

No food tomorrow. Bit of alcohol is mandatory though..not much! I'll fake being drunk!! So, then they'll stop me from drinking as much. YESSS!!

That's all really.

Hope everyone's cool...stay strong. xx

.

It would be nice if I was thin now.

I put on some jeans, ones that fit me last week, and they didn't fit.

I have only been doing Yogalates this week, no walking. I think this is why. I cut down my food intake to as little as I could - clearly this isn't working. I need to cut down some more, obviously.

I did 65 mins of walking today, and will do some sit-ups in a little bit.

I'm scared of weighing myself, but will do it tomorrow. I don't think I'll be able to look.

My calorie intake today was under 300. My walking apparently burnt 260 calories. Might do some yoga.

Wanna start running, but I'm scared that people will drive past and be horrified by my wobbling fat.

Also, college again tomorrow. I'm scared to go in, I've put on so much weight. Shit, what will I wear?


Gotta go anyway, stay strong x

OhmyGod

So I weighed myself on my nan's scales yesterday, and I weighed 135lbs. So, I don't know which scales are correct.

I think my nan's are...that would make more sense. If it's true then I'm fucking gutted, because that's like 61kg. I think I feel sick in my mouth. It's fucking disgusting. I feel that fat though, well fatter.

So I've decided, you can never weigh too little. So, if I get down to 105 or 100 or something low on my nan's scales, which would be much lower on mine, I'll be happy.

Here's my plan: I have enjoyed food tonight for the last time - I'm so bloated. I've also taken like a million laxatives. Then, tomorrow it starts (or stops rather) I'm never eating again. I haven't purged in a while. Last week I lasted well on just one meal a day - but I need to find a way of hiding my food again. I always wear my expensive Jack Will's clothes though, so I don't want to shove food up those sleeves!!

I know - on Wednesday, and Monday I'll stay late at college, and say I'm eating at college. Lie obviously. Come home for like 7.30/8 and I'll be good. On Saturday I have a small get-together. Me and the girls, hopefully there won't be crisps there, like last time. If there are, I'll just be like, 'I'm going for a fag'. Which reminds me, I'm not allowed to smoke today, because I ate. If I associate being allowed to smoke with being allowed to eat, then I'll be more tempted to eat...but I enjoy smoking more than food you see! So this bodes well for me.

Anywho, I feel so agoraphobic these days. I just don't wanna leave the house because people will see how fat I am. Especially if I have to go out with my sister. Like, today, me, my nan and my sister all went into Birmingham to do some shopping. I felt like shit all day, I looked in a mirror and nearly cried in public. Every girl/woman I looked at was skinnier than me. I hate it hate it hate it. I need to be thin. NEED.

I read this thing that men only liked skinny girls...well I want him back. I won't get himwhen I look this ugly and disgusting.

Even my dad calls me fat, my family tell me I look 'well' and my sister told me I had a double chin.

Though a boy did tell me I was not fat the other day. But what's that? Somewhere between fat and skinny? Or just being nice?
I can't take compliments, or criticism.

Omg, I wish I would just die. In fact, no weight target is my goal..death is. Because I hate living like this, and will never be loved nor happy.

Why do we have food? Can't we just survive from air...

I am going to have to do something at home. I wanna put thinspo on the walls, but I can't.

I don't need it, food is the only thing in my life I can control, and will control.
I cannot control my career, or my exam results, but I can control how much I eat and my weight. Yes, I like that. I can control my life by controlling food intake. I am stronger than this. I can stop eating now!!!


By the way, can I just say to 'unbeautiful', if she's arond this blog that I love you, and I'm glad you're ok!

Staystrongg xx

Daily intake is about 500 calories.

Fuck my life. Wish I lived alone.

That is all.

Stay strong x

Shit.

After couple of days binging, until I finally realised what I was doing yesterday, I have put on 7kg. I don't know how.
I'm such a fatty.
At current, I weigh 59kg. I feel ashamed to fucking say it.
I feel sick just looking at that number.

No wonder people are calling me fat, and telling me I look well (well is like code for fat when you've had an ED, isn't it?!).

I need to lose this. So, I am actually NEVER binging again.
I made thinspo. I am staying in my room or going out. I am not going in the kitchen unless I have to cook dinner. I'm not tasting the food I cook. I'm hiding my dinner again. I'm NOT purging. That makes me want to binge - so it's a no go zone.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and that made me cry. I am so disgusted by my own appearance.
Maybe I need to quit smoking. Everytime I need a fag and I can't have one, I crave food. Maybe I should jump off a fucking building.

I'm doing 2 hours of yoga later, might go for a walk as well. But, to be honest, I feel a little agoraphobic - I don't think I could leave the house if I wanted to. I'm scared of what people will think when they see me.

I'm supposed to be going to my nan's on thursday. That means having dinner there - which will probably be a take-away pizza (shit - cheese) or fish n' chips (in which case I'll have like a Pukka Pie or something, trying to keep the calories low(er)). And then, she'll probably make me have breakfast - which I will try to 'eat' upstairs, which will be toast if she has any. I'll try and get my mum to pick us up at lunchtime, so that we'll be travelling through lunch, and by the time I get home I'll have got away with not eating that much.

I hope to God that we don't have to have take-away, I might ask her if we can go to Sainsbury's or walk up to the Spar and buy some pasta or some baking potatoes or something like that.

She always offers us loads of sweets as well.

Omg, I'll never be 40kg - I re-evaluated how much I want to weigh, and that's what it is now.

By the end of March, I want to be 47kg (this gives me 40 days to lose 12kg - but once this disgusting bloat has gone, it will be 5kg - is this do-able? YES, with no binges!).
By the end of April, I want to be 44kg.
By the end of May, I want to be 42kg.
By the end of June, I WILL be 40kg.

Fml

Firstly I'm on my phone, so apologies for strange spelling mistakes!!

Secondly, I feel like shit.
I miss my ex more than anything I could ever think of. I need him back in my life. I saw his car the other day. He stopped speaking to me after he felt how fat I was. I need to lose 10kg. Urgently.

My dad keeps making digs: he called me 'fat arse'. He used to call me skinny, now he just calls my sister skinny - it hurts.

My friend and I were stood un a full length mirror together - she weighs 70kg - I didn't look much thinner than her at all. I couldn't look for long, I felt sick. I don't mean that in s horrible or botchy way, I just couldn't bare my reflection.

I had afull length picture with my mum and sister yesterday, my mum weighs about 65kg-70kg, she fucking looked thinner than me. My sister weighs about 45kg, she looked miles thinner than me. Surely because we aren't far off recuperate weights we should look similar? No. I'm gross. Out of proportion and ugly.

I want to die. I hate this. I cabt bare to look in the mirror anymore. I don't want to step foot outside if the house, certainly not with people dinner than me. Honestly, if I go out I have to find out who else is going, to make sure that I will be the thinnest one there. So u wont be going our tomorrow night, because a really skinny friend is going. I'm staying in. Looking at thins and starving. Sounds good. They're going for an Indian, which is BARE calories (bare means lots, it's some birmingham slang thing!!.
Ugh I feel shut.

I hope everyone else is ok :) love xx

Horrible Day.

Train was cancelled this morning...get to the station, look at the board, to read "this service has been cancelled due to somebody being hit by a train".

Wow. That's pretty shit. The girl was 15, and she jumped. My sister knew her. It's awful, really, because no-one noticed anything, any signs, nothing.

On her facebook she looks so happy, but don't we all in pictures. I can empathise with her emotions, to some extent, because I have days where I just want to dive in front of a fast-moving car, but I never do. But, for someone so young to feel that bad, when she had her whole life ahead of her is just mind-boggling. I just wish that the world was brighter, and nicer, and no-one EVER had to feel that way about living.

Stay strong x

It's been a while...

Wow..Sorry.

Well, I've been feeling pretty shit lately, so I just have been lying down, doing yoga, studying and trying not to eat. Apart from that, fuck all.

I'm pretty sure my mum and dad hate me. Seriously. My dad more, but I make them sad apparently because I never leave my room.
Yeah, that's because I'm studying a lot, so that I can fucking fulfil my dreams - and theirs.
Great.

I don't do the cooking anymore. They say its making me stressed. Even more stressed now. You should see how they cook. Everything is cheesy and fatty and calorific.

I hate my life so much. I can't stop crying. All the time.
I miss my ex. So much.

I thought I resented the world...I don't. I resent myself. I just hate everyone else for being happy, when I'm not.

I don't think I could be any lower. I wish my weight could be. 51kg. Makes me feel sick. It won't budge any lower. Also, I'm swinging in and out of mia-ana phases. It's really annoying.

I have no energy, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm ill, I'm depressed, I'm sick of revising.

I am at the end of my tether. I really am. I just want to find a zone, where I'm completely comfortable, and be happy.

I need to smoke. Badly. I only have dry tobacco left. Makes me want to cry. I probably will cry. Fuck it, I'll smoke it anyway. I need the nicotine, and the taste. Ew, no, not the taste of that shit. You can't take it back.

Eugh. By the way, I'm not longer allowed to drink those low calorie hot chocolates. Any amount of calories are calories. I can't be doing with it.

Anyway, my theory is:
I have nothing to live for...because my life isn't living. Starving myself to death doesn't bother me, because death is probably a shite load better than living is. So, if I die, I die. I have made no impression on the world, and everyone hates me, and no-one loves me, I'm just unlovable. And, I'm not fucking surprised, because I'm horrible.



I'm going now. Hope you're all ok :)
xx

Life review..

This is going to be a bit of a moany-annoying-rant...so if you can't be arsed, then I'm forewarning you (haha)!!

I have been assessing myself today, and I realised what I am:

1.  I do not love anyone, well I do have like love, but nothing overwhelming, like I could take it or leave it. I say I love people, but I think it's just that I like being around them and/or would help them out if they needed it.
What I mean is, that I would much rather be alone than near anyone. I feel somewhat resentment towards other people, because they're happier than I am, and I think this is why.
I really do disgust myself.

2.  I do not feel guilty about anything I do. I lie, repeatedly, steal from my parents (not money or anything big, just fags). I have noticed it, but I just don't feel any sort of guilt or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. My AS Psychology suggests this is 'affectionless psychopathy' ... but I don't think that I was deprived as a child, so this can't really be so. I just think I'm an awful person.

3.  I do not care about myself. I do things to be socially acceptable, which does contradict point 1, but I don't mean it to.

4.  I do not want to be anything in life, I am just doing this whole lot of shit to make my family proud. I just, honestly, would rather die and be done with life...or go live on a mountain somewhere! I hate the idea of being a slave for the fucking government.

5.  This is my relapse, and I have lost like no weight this time round. If you saw me, you would not believe I ever had an ED, and that disgusts me. So much.

6.  All of my friends love me, and want me to go out with them more. But, honestly, I could really just never speak to them again, and not care. That is really awful.

All of these things, and I know that there's more, but these are the main ones, make me hate myself. The one that pisses me off the most, is that I am incapable of loving people, and I don't know why. I have no reason to be this way, no-one has ever hurt me that badly, and I've always been loved. It makes me feel awful, because I'm lucky, a lot of people do not have this advantage, and I don't even know what to do with it. I don't deserve to be alive, and I certainly don't deserve to have a family or friends who love me.

And, that's about all. I just wanted to get it all out really.

/staystrongxx

Made me feel good-ish...

I found some good internet site which made me kind of feel a bit better about myself, after my dad called me fat arse tonight.

It tells you how much celebrities weigh, and how tall they are. Some of these celebs who are quite skinny have the same BMI as me, which makes me feel gooood. But, they're much more toned. I'm working on it... ;P

Here's the link, if you want it!!

http://www.bricksandstonesgossip.com/2010/02/17/how-much-do-celebrities-weigh

Staystronggxx