So, the guy that I love, is now living in Australia. I mean, it's not fucking difficult to send a text that says, "oh I am moving half way across the fucking world soon, so I'll never see you again" is it?

He's such a wanker. He never said anything. At all. I found out from his Facebook for fuck's sake.

Seriously, I actually resent him right now. He knew how I felt about him, and then just said fuck all to me before he moved.


Anyway, I met someone at college. My English Lit teacher told me to partner up with him for a debate, because his original partner had dropped out.

He is so lovely. And, we have been having these ridiculously long conversations over Facebook, and phone. Yesterday, after the debate, we went to the pub with his friends. He brought me a drink, a had a cider (which is some serious calories, I expect, and it made me binge eat later - alcohol always does :( ).
So anyway, he told me afterwards that his friends thought I was really awesome and witty. They also said that he really fancies me.
Later that night, he admitted how he was 'crushing really badly' on me, and that he hadn't felt this way about anyone in 2 years (he was engaged to that girl).
He always tells me how he thinks I'm beautiful, and he says I'm perfect.

And, yeah it's all lovely, but I will break that guys heart, and I know I will. I will ruin everything, just like I have ruined my family (with my eating, and my smoking weed, and my lying and then the really big thing that I hate hate hate talking about).
I'm going to have to tell him about what happened 2 months ago. I'm not going to be able to have a normal relationship ever again. I get scared when people come to close to me. What will I be like if we have sex? Seriously, I'd be shitting myself.
The worst thing is is that he invited me to a hot tub party at his house tonight. I said I couldn't go. There's just no way I could go in a hot tub again.

I don't want to lead him on, and I really like him, and he likes me. He's the sweetest guy ever. I just don't think I'm ready.

Then I think to myself how shit it was to be in love with someone, and not have them love you back. Do I want to be the person this time that doesn't return the love? That's so much worse than anything in the world.

Oh yeah, and he is in first year of A Levels, even though he is nearly 21! And, I'll be going to Uni in September. I'm going to be elsewhere, far away, in the country. That's not going to work, is it?