I am currently restricting to under 100 calories a day, and have stuck at it for so long now! It's been nearly 2 weeks, and I am proud of myself. I cannot afford to binge when I am seeing my boyfriend every day.
Plus, I'm going to his tomorrow, and he wants me to wear my corset, which will only fit me when I'm the same size as I was around the waist - and guess what? IT FITS ME!
When I put that corset on earlier, I was happy as can be. It's done up as tight as possible, and it fits without trouble!
It's just my thighs now.
I want to be perfect for him, and I will be :) I want him to be able to pick me up and swing me around.
Friday 28 October 2011
Thursday 27 October 2011
Oh..my..God
Me and my amazing boyfriend went out today, and we had a few drinks, and he kept kissing me so passionately!
He knows that I love my neck being kissed, so he does it a lot.
Anyway, we went to his, to meet his parents - who were so welcoming.
And, we had sex, and it was brilliant. I wasn't scared, and felt so comfortable with him.
Fuck, it was good!
And, that's all :D
He knows that I love my neck being kissed, so he does it a lot.
Anyway, we went to his, to meet his parents - who were so welcoming.
And, we had sex, and it was brilliant. I wasn't scared, and felt so comfortable with him.
Fuck, it was good!
And, that's all :D
Wednesday 26 October 2011
it's official!
We met up yesterday, my parents had let me go to my friends house to revise (still grounded...) and I saw him afterwards.
I'm not even lying when I say this - when we kissed, for the first time, it was the most special and magical moment I know of. It was literally like something flashed in my head, saying "He's the one!"
I don't tell anyone any of his secrets - and I usually at least tell my parents what people have told me, or write it on here. And, I have nothing bad to say about him, EVER!
I told him about what happened to me, he was so understanding. His words were, "if you're going to find it difficult for us to sleep together, then it doesn't bother me at all. I will wait for you forever if I have to, until it's right for you. I'm not interested in you because of your body, or because of my own needs. I love you, as the person you are."
After we kissed (which happened a lot) like the third time, I knew that it wasn't going to be difficult for me to sleep with him. I told him that, and he replied with, "It's not about that though, you just tell me what is ok with you. I love you."
I don't know how I deserve this man. He's so perfect.
Usually, I find it really stupid and immature when people say "I love you" after so little time, but I know that this is love. I know quite a lot about him, so it's not as if I barely know him. We talk for up to 5 hours a night, on the phone and on facebook (it's cheaper, I only have 400 minutes, and he has no credit!)
His family really want to meet me, and he wants to meet mine.
He told me that I was the one he has been waiting for, and that his love for his ex-fiancee couldn't have been love, compared with how he feels about me.
Anyway, we had a drink, and then we walked down the river holding hands. Then it started raining, so we hid under a tree for a bit. It was really romantic, with the lights of the city sparkling on the river. He kept telling me how much he loved me.
The rain got quite bad, so we went to his car - but he asked me first if that was ok, because he knows I get scared of silly things like that. I felt so safe with him, so I did, and it was fine :D
He always tells me that I'm beautiful, perfect, that I'm "the one" and that he loves me. We don't get embarrassed about anything we say to each other either, we just spill out our hearts to one another. I really fucking miss him right now though!
Oh, and on an eating note.. I have been eating under 100 calories for the past 4 days, it's faint-worthy, but it feels so damn good! And, hands go around the waist, with much room to spare - don't talk to me about my thighs though, which are about 8cm away from goal! <3 <3 <3
I'm not even lying when I say this - when we kissed, for the first time, it was the most special and magical moment I know of. It was literally like something flashed in my head, saying "He's the one!"
I don't tell anyone any of his secrets - and I usually at least tell my parents what people have told me, or write it on here. And, I have nothing bad to say about him, EVER!
I told him about what happened to me, he was so understanding. His words were, "if you're going to find it difficult for us to sleep together, then it doesn't bother me at all. I will wait for you forever if I have to, until it's right for you. I'm not interested in you because of your body, or because of my own needs. I love you, as the person you are."
After we kissed (which happened a lot) like the third time, I knew that it wasn't going to be difficult for me to sleep with him. I told him that, and he replied with, "It's not about that though, you just tell me what is ok with you. I love you."
I don't know how I deserve this man. He's so perfect.
Usually, I find it really stupid and immature when people say "I love you" after so little time, but I know that this is love. I know quite a lot about him, so it's not as if I barely know him. We talk for up to 5 hours a night, on the phone and on facebook (it's cheaper, I only have 400 minutes, and he has no credit!)
His family really want to meet me, and he wants to meet mine.
He told me that I was the one he has been waiting for, and that his love for his ex-fiancee couldn't have been love, compared with how he feels about me.
Anyway, we had a drink, and then we walked down the river holding hands. Then it started raining, so we hid under a tree for a bit. It was really romantic, with the lights of the city sparkling on the river. He kept telling me how much he loved me.
The rain got quite bad, so we went to his car - but he asked me first if that was ok, because he knows I get scared of silly things like that. I felt so safe with him, so I did, and it was fine :D
He always tells me that I'm beautiful, perfect, that I'm "the one" and that he loves me. We don't get embarrassed about anything we say to each other either, we just spill out our hearts to one another. I really fucking miss him right now though!
Oh, and on an eating note.. I have been eating under 100 calories for the past 4 days, it's faint-worthy, but it feels so damn good! And, hands go around the waist, with much room to spare - don't talk to me about my thighs though, which are about 8cm away from goal! <3 <3 <3
Monday 24 October 2011
Life.
Last night he told me that he was falling in love with me. This made me feel great, because I know that his feelings for me are the same as mine for him.
He told me a really big secret of his, and that made me feel really special. He thought that it would put me off him, but his courage to tell me made me even more happy that he was in my life.
At this point in my life, I am happier than I've ever been.
But, it's all going to crash down.
I have to tell him about when happened to me a few months ago. Then he isn't going to want to be with me anymore, because I'm scared of having sex, and that's horrible.
He says that whatever it is, I can tell him and he'll help me. But, will he?
He says he's been through stuff too, which he will tell me about. But will it be as bad?
He's going to stop falling in love with me. But, he knows that I have a secret. So, now I have to tell him. And, I need to make him understand why I'm so scared. Why I break down when I see people who look like them. Why I get so depressed.
I told him to prepare himself for something very big. But it wasn't that long ago, either, so what if he can't get over it.
I am falling in love with him, and he feels the same. I'm just going to ruin everything. I'm going to break his heart, and hurt him, just like I've done to anyone else that has ever cared about me.
I'm such a twat.
He told me a really big secret of his, and that made me feel really special. He thought that it would put me off him, but his courage to tell me made me even more happy that he was in my life.
At this point in my life, I am happier than I've ever been.
But, it's all going to crash down.
I have to tell him about when happened to me a few months ago. Then he isn't going to want to be with me anymore, because I'm scared of having sex, and that's horrible.
He says that whatever it is, I can tell him and he'll help me. But, will he?
He says he's been through stuff too, which he will tell me about. But will it be as bad?
He's going to stop falling in love with me. But, he knows that I have a secret. So, now I have to tell him. And, I need to make him understand why I'm so scared. Why I break down when I see people who look like them. Why I get so depressed.
I told him to prepare himself for something very big. But it wasn't that long ago, either, so what if he can't get over it.
I am falling in love with him, and he feels the same. I'm just going to ruin everything. I'm going to break his heart, and hurt him, just like I've done to anyone else that has ever cared about me.
I'm such a twat.
Sunday 23 October 2011
I can't work out.
I was so motivated about 20 mins ago to have a really high impact workout.
But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!
I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.
I HATE MY LIFE.
But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!
I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.
I HATE MY LIFE.
I can't work out.
I was so motivated about 20 mins ago to have a really high impact workout.
But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!
I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.
I HATE MY LIFE.
But I think I've stressed my knees too much when doing lunges, because it's killing me!
I'll see if I can run later, and if not, I'll go for a nice walk down the canal.
I HATE MY LIFE.
Saturday 22 October 2011
So, the guy that I love, is now living in Australia. I mean, it's not fucking difficult to send a text that says, "oh I am moving half way across the fucking world soon, so I'll never see you again" is it?
He's such a wanker. He never said anything. At all. I found out from his Facebook for fuck's sake.
Seriously, I actually resent him right now. He knew how I felt about him, and then just said fuck all to me before he moved.
Anyway, I met someone at college. My English Lit teacher told me to partner up with him for a debate, because his original partner had dropped out.
He is so lovely. And, we have been having these ridiculously long conversations over Facebook, and phone. Yesterday, after the debate, we went to the pub with his friends. He brought me a drink, a had a cider (which is some serious calories, I expect, and it made me binge eat later - alcohol always does :( ).
So anyway, he told me afterwards that his friends thought I was really awesome and witty. They also said that he really fancies me.
Later that night, he admitted how he was 'crushing really badly' on me, and that he hadn't felt this way about anyone in 2 years (he was engaged to that girl).
He always tells me how he thinks I'm beautiful, and he says I'm perfect.
And, yeah it's all lovely, but I will break that guys heart, and I know I will. I will ruin everything, just like I have ruined my family (with my eating, and my smoking weed, and my lying and then the really big thing that I hate hate hate talking about).
I'm going to have to tell him about what happened 2 months ago. I'm not going to be able to have a normal relationship ever again. I get scared when people come to close to me. What will I be like if we have sex? Seriously, I'd be shitting myself.
The worst thing is is that he invited me to a hot tub party at his house tonight. I said I couldn't go. There's just no way I could go in a hot tub again.
I don't want to lead him on, and I really like him, and he likes me. He's the sweetest guy ever. I just don't think I'm ready.
Then I think to myself how shit it was to be in love with someone, and not have them love you back. Do I want to be the person this time that doesn't return the love? That's so much worse than anything in the world.
Oh yeah, and he is in first year of A Levels, even though he is nearly 21! And, I'll be going to Uni in September. I'm going to be elsewhere, far away, in the country. That's not going to work, is it?
He's such a wanker. He never said anything. At all. I found out from his Facebook for fuck's sake.
Seriously, I actually resent him right now. He knew how I felt about him, and then just said fuck all to me before he moved.
Anyway, I met someone at college. My English Lit teacher told me to partner up with him for a debate, because his original partner had dropped out.
He is so lovely. And, we have been having these ridiculously long conversations over Facebook, and phone. Yesterday, after the debate, we went to the pub with his friends. He brought me a drink, a had a cider (which is some serious calories, I expect, and it made me binge eat later - alcohol always does :( ).
So anyway, he told me afterwards that his friends thought I was really awesome and witty. They also said that he really fancies me.
Later that night, he admitted how he was 'crushing really badly' on me, and that he hadn't felt this way about anyone in 2 years (he was engaged to that girl).
He always tells me how he thinks I'm beautiful, and he says I'm perfect.
And, yeah it's all lovely, but I will break that guys heart, and I know I will. I will ruin everything, just like I have ruined my family (with my eating, and my smoking weed, and my lying and then the really big thing that I hate hate hate talking about).
I'm going to have to tell him about what happened 2 months ago. I'm not going to be able to have a normal relationship ever again. I get scared when people come to close to me. What will I be like if we have sex? Seriously, I'd be shitting myself.
The worst thing is is that he invited me to a hot tub party at his house tonight. I said I couldn't go. There's just no way I could go in a hot tub again.
I don't want to lead him on, and I really like him, and he likes me. He's the sweetest guy ever. I just don't think I'm ready.
Then I think to myself how shit it was to be in love with someone, and not have them love you back. Do I want to be the person this time that doesn't return the love? That's so much worse than anything in the world.
Oh yeah, and he is in first year of A Levels, even though he is nearly 21! And, I'll be going to Uni in September. I'm going to be elsewhere, far away, in the country. That's not going to work, is it?
Thursday 13 October 2011
STRESS!
My UCAS application, for University, has got to be in tomorrow afternoon now. YAY!
Every non-Oxbridge applicant has until January. I have less than a day, and I left my personal statement on my user area at College - what a DICK!
I'm stressed and even more stressed, and stressed some more.
OH YEAH AND I HAVE SHIT LOADS OF HOMEWORK TO DO
I can't submit information from home, cause my internet hates the UCAS website.
I might not even get an Oxford interview. I doubt I will.
But think positive?
I've lost my AS Level results sheet, so I don't know all the module titles.. and my friend has been really slow on telling me what they are.
I feel fat and demotivated. I text the person I love, who doesn't love me back, and he hasn't text me back (I did this last night).
I haven't exercised since Monday. I just haven't had time. And, now I feel guilty. FAT FAT FATTY.
WHY IS LIFE SO HECTIC AND SHIT?
Fucking hell.
Every non-Oxbridge applicant has until January. I have less than a day, and I left my personal statement on my user area at College - what a DICK!
I'm stressed and even more stressed, and stressed some more.
OH YEAH AND I HAVE SHIT LOADS OF HOMEWORK TO DO
I can't submit information from home, cause my internet hates the UCAS website.
I might not even get an Oxford interview. I doubt I will.
I've lost my AS Level results sheet, so I don't know all the module titles.. and my friend has been really slow on telling me what they are.
I feel fat and demotivated. I text the person I love, who doesn't love me back, and he hasn't text me back (I did this last night).
I haven't exercised since Monday. I just haven't had time. And, now I feel guilty. FAT FAT FATTY.
WHY IS LIFE SO HECTIC AND SHIT?
Fucking hell.
Monday 10 October 2011
Please motivate me...
Please please please kick my arse into gear :/
Once I start on a binge, it last all weekend. Because I'm at home, there's lots of food. I finish early mondays and fridays, so that's a 4 day binge.
Please help me.
Once I start on a binge, it last all weekend. Because I'm at home, there's lots of food. I finish early mondays and fridays, so that's a 4 day binge.
Please help me.
Sunday 2 October 2011
Last night was atrocious. I drank that much that when we went to McDonald's afterwards, I ate two lots of wedges, with BBQ sauce. What a fat bitch.
Plus, no male attention all night - because I'm hideous. And, to add to it all, my friend was playing a face all night, which meant that we ended up going home at like 12.30am. I thought it was really rude of her to do so, as it was my mum giving us a lift home, and the rest of us would have loved to have stayed out much later.
So, overall, I had a shitty time. And ate loads. And am now all bloaty and disgusting. And I spent over £40 on alcohol and McDonald's. So, thats £40 less in the Uni fund.
Nice way to celebrate the 18th. Awesome. Thanks.
Plus, no male attention all night - because I'm hideous. And, to add to it all, my friend was playing a face all night, which meant that we ended up going home at like 12.30am. I thought it was really rude of her to do so, as it was my mum giving us a lift home, and the rest of us would have loved to have stayed out much later.
So, overall, I had a shitty time. And ate loads. And am now all bloaty and disgusting. And I spent over £40 on alcohol and McDonald's. So, thats £40 less in the Uni fund.
Nice way to celebrate the 18th. Awesome. Thanks.
Saturday 1 October 2011
UGHH
So, my inches are back down to what they were before, but my clothes are still tight on me.
What the fuck.
So, I brought a new DVD - The Jordan Workout - my friend said it's hardcore. I'll give it a go. At £2.99 with free P&P, who's complaining? NOT ME!!
Anyway, it's my 18th celebration this evening. This could be fun. I'm going to the same place where that guy, the bad one, lives. This is because everyone begged me to go there. It could be an early night for me. I'm shitting myself about it. Yay.
What the fuck.
So, I brought a new DVD - The Jordan Workout - my friend said it's hardcore. I'll give it a go. At £2.99 with free P&P, who's complaining? NOT ME!!
Anyway, it's my 18th celebration this evening. This could be fun. I'm going to the same place where that guy, the bad one, lives. This is because everyone begged me to go there. It could be an early night for me. I'm shitting myself about it. Yay.
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