Where have I been?

It's been ages since I last logged on here! So, I thought I'd catch up.

I now weigh 46kg, so I've lost a considerable amount, but not enough.

I realise I want thinness, but not to look good. Losing weight makes me feel good. I bought some scales a month or so ago and there's nothing better than stepping on them and seeing weight loss. That's all I feel I have control of in my life and the only thing I'm good at.

I have finished my A Levels and am doing a Summer job in a factory, so getting some horrible exercise lifting and stuff which is killing me!!

Anyway, the depression that I forgot came with malnourishment is back, and is honestly making me feel like I  want to die. Every second of the day.
Still, the scales make me feel good about myself.

I do eat every day now, but not a lot, and I'm still losing because I'm not binge eating at all.

I'm also going to Turkey in 3 weeks with my boyfriend and his family, so that should be nice.

I don't have a lot to say. I know where everything comes from, problem wise, but I don't want to fix it.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is well.

Argument.

My boyfriend and I just had an argument, and he was definitely in the wrong.

Instead of apologising and realising that this was the case, he is sat upstairs, whilst I'm crying downstairs.

Does he give a shit? NO.

Does he care when I don't eat for days? NO.

Does he even ask me if I want food anymore? NO.

Whilst I hate all of these questions, it's nice to feel like someone fucking cares.

I genuinely would rather be dead at the minute. No joke.

Barely eating anything at all.

Binges are incredibly small (I literally cannot eat more than a mouthfull without that uncomfortable sick feeling).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but those binges kept me going. I'm literally running on empty, without being able to enjoy anything.

Still, I reached a lower weight. I brought scales ;P

Getting Weaker.

I'm really starting to feel it now. I thought I'd be able to manage 2 whole weeks fasting or only eating salad with no binges and no cups of tea. I've eaten 2 salads (very small and consisting of mostly lettuce) since thursday 29th.

List of problems:

1. Aching ribs
2. Headaches
3. Dry mouth
4. Stomach pains
5. Weak legs
6. Shaking
7. Head rush if I stand
8. Head rush if standing too long
9. Breathlessness
10. Headrush when lying down
11. Dizziness
12. Fainting
13. Feet and hands going blue
14. Light-headed
15. Anger and frustration
16. Immense fear of over-eating
17. Crying and getting emotional
18. Constant looking at foods I want to eat online to keep self going (weird)
19. Tiredness
20. Nausea
21. Blurred vision

Man, I want to eat like crazy, but this is producing some serious adrenaline! 

Amazing idea.

I saw this on the blog of someone I follow, and thought it was a great idea, so I stole it :3

1. My goals:

• To become more confident and self-assured
• To get my 3 A's an get into Birmingham University
• To be less of a push-over
• To be a size 6 by Summer
• To get a job
• To fast without passing out or getting incredibly light-headed
• To stop drinking tea with milk in.

2. My plan of action

• Hold my head up high, and tell myself that I can achieve what I want to, every single day
• Revise revise revise. Try everything and anything: mind-maps, cue cards, reading etc.
• Start small: say no to people for little things, and work my way up!
• Continue the fast, stop the binge (not as easy as it seems obv, but strength here is paramount)
• Fill in the application form for my work guarantee!
• Well, that one is almost impossible!
• I like tea, but cut it down to one or two cups a day, instead of the usual 3 or 4

Sound good? Sound achievable? I dunno!

A little update

I haven't blogged in a while, and that's mainly because I've been to lazy to move!

I've had a couple of bad things happen recently, some family problems, etc. and that hasn't helped either. But yeah, I'm not on here to discuss family!!

I hope everyone else is fine. 

My boyfriend still doesn't seem to care that I don't eat because of him. He makes me eat something like every other day. It's currently Tuesday and I haven't eaten since Saturday (which was half a plate of salad). As you can imagine, I get extremely faint when I stand up!! It's so worth it. 

I started drinking fruit and herbal tea and squash to replace Pepsi Max and tea with milk, but I've ran out of both so I'll buy some more tomorrow. Also, it's extremely difficult, because that was where I got my energy from. 

I passed out last weekend, and hit my head! My boyfriend seemed fairly un-phased by it. I think he just wants me to be really skinny, which is fair enough, because I want to be too. Don't get me wrong, he could be completely ok with my weight and actually be worried, but I doubt it. He talks about it like I'm being silly or something. I don't care what he thinks, as long as he likes the end result. 

However, I did look in the mirror this morning, and saw my protruding shoulder/collar bone on my left shoulder, and that made me feel a little bit sick. I did talk myself out of that though, because bones are good. They show how hard I'm working and that it's paying off. 

To be fair, I don't want to be boney, but I need to loose inches off my thighs, and if I have to get boney to do that, then it'll be worth it. 

Also, it hurts when I sit on a hard floor, because my bum bones stick out a bit :D 

Sorry about the sketchy-ness of this..

I also went to a gig on Sunday, with my boyfriend, and we saw You Me At Six. I exercised as much as I could, and my legs were a couple cm thinner the next morning (this is jumping, walking for about an hour in total, and then walking about 30 mins to get home the next morning (oh, and we stayed in a travel lodge, so I burned sexy-time calories!)) 

That's about all I can thik of. Sorry about length and stuff :s

Depressed.

I wake up every morning wishing that I was dead.

I fucking hate what this does to me.

What do you love about me?

Having had the lowest couple of days I have had for a while, not being helped by not having eaten for some time now, I thought I would spend the weekend at my boyfriends.

When walking to his car, people were staring at me from their cars, and I asked him why people always look at you out of their car windows. He said, "It's because you're pretty, Em. I mean, you're just right, you're not very pretty..." and then later, he called me "chunky" and said I was "bigger than" him (and no-one wants to be the fat one in the relationship, do they). Obviously, I freaked out every time, but he kept doing it. The worst thing is, is that he means it. He didn't say it in a joke-y way, and he never even apologised, saying "I didn't say anything horrible did I? What's wrong with you?"

He's just asked me what I'm typing on - he likes to check up on me.

Why am I with someone who makes me feel like shit, you may ask?

Well, if I'm at his house, he doesn't offer me food (he wants to see me starve, so that he can have a skinnier girlfriend, I imagine) and I don't ask for it.

What;s funny, is that his parents tell him to make me something, and he doesn't.
What's funnier is that one of his friends was making a fuss when we were at his, saying that I should eat something, and that he felt 'guilty' and 'worried', and my boyfriend said, "Mate, don't worry about her, I've known her not eat for days".

This man tells me he loves me, and couldn't care less if I starved to death or not. Why is he with me? Why does he love me?
I'm moody, insecure, impatient, angry, ugly, fat, incompetent (from my last exam performance I will not get my predicted grades), and (considering we've had like 6-ish opportunities where I could have been pregnant, but haven't been) possibly infertile.

What a fucking catch?!

By the way, the insults are motivating, but awful as well. Bear it in mind that I never say anything hurtful to him, other than things like: "It hurts when you say things like that" - which often results in me feeling guilty for bringing it up that I'm upset. Also bear in mind that there's a lot of hurtful things I could say about him, but never do say them to him - because I don't want to fucking hurt him.

This is my battle: he makes me feel like shit, and I know it shouldn't be motivating and that I need to eat to get where I want in life, but then I miss him when I'm not around him, because he's everything to me and I love him with all of my heart. Then I think, if he's not physically attracted to me - which he obviously isn't - what is he attracted to? Or is it just someone to fuck, because he couldn't get laid by the girl he wanted?

And, people wonder why I constantly break out into tears randomly and why I'm not in College ever.

Fear

My boyfriend wants me to go out with a group of his old friends tonight. He hasn't seen them in ages, and wasn't gonna go - said he's choosing me over them "twats". They do a lot of drugs (my boyfriend doesn't anymore) and this is at someones house. I'll be he only girl. I don't know them, so I don't trust them, and I'm freaking out because I'm scared something awful could happen again. I'm so scared right now - if they're addicted to meow, and steal and stuff, they won't think twice about attacking me if they're super high.

fuckfuckfuck. I'm shitting it.

Self-pity, self-loathing and hate.

I have had my mother and boyfriend tell me how much I am like my dad today. My dad is the person who is tearing the family apart, so as you can imagine I have been crying. My boyfriend hasn't even hugged me. He said "I haven't pissed you off have I?" And that was it.

Thoughts right now: I have no-one; I genuinely want to die.

I see no point in eating, breathing, or anything anymore. I really don't. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself for being so self-pitying. I hate the fact that I have to come on here to express myself - a place where I know no-one, because there's absolutely no-one who will ever understand how I feel.

This is why people hate me once they get to know me.. I'm depressing, and horrible and a twat. I don't even like myself, so how can people ever like me?

HA! Love!

So, my boyfriend tells me he 'loves me' and wants me to be 'healthy', but I don't eat for two days at his house, and he says absolutely nothing. In fact, it's been four days. I'm surviving off tea, I'm getting stupidly dizzy when I stand up, and out of pure spite I'm saying nothing.

Yesterday was valentine's day... not even a card, I forced him to buy me flowers. To add to it all, he said I might have to pay for my own cinema ticket so that he could buy shit loads of food. Nice... don't think about me though.

He asked me why I was getting cranky, and I apologised, to which he replied: "I'm used to it by now"... absolute bastard.

Clearly, he thinks I need to lose more weight.

I just want to scream at him and tell him the reason I'm so cranky is because YOU HAVEN'T FED ME IN DAYS YOU PRICK!

Haha, last night I had just fallen asleep, and he didn't leave me alone - trying to wake me up - until I woke and had sex with him... we'd already had sex and I was tired. It was horrible.

I feel like he's with me for sex, because he hadn't had any for months before. If I'd have made him wait ages, would he still be with me?

I might go home, but go to the gym every time I eat something - no matter what it is?

I wanna go home, but there's that temptation of food. I am literally using him, and telling him I love him for three reasons: a) at his house I don't have to eat, b) I don't think anyone will tell me they 'love me' ever again, and c) my father is an alcoholic and he says horrible things to my family when he's had a drink, and not being at home is how I get back at him.

Anyway, I'm gonna mooch around blogs and stuff, and then do some coursework.

He knows.

He guessed, so I had to tell him. He wants to "help me". I'm not skinny yet.


FUCK.

Exams are done.

Well, two eventful things have happened today: firstly, my psychology exam went shockingly new-level of shit bad; secondly, I had my application rejected from Durham University.

But, I have been complimented a lot, and such. Including, "you're beautiful", "you're amazing", "I'm never going to leave you because I love you", and "don't be upset about your uni's because you are incredible", and also, he's buying me flowers <3

Good day, but bad day really. But, the good things make up for the bad - which is something.

Haven't eaten either, I bought a salad in pitta bread from the chippy, but will probably chuck it again; despite my boyfriend telling me I HAD to eat it this time!!

Whoa.

Haven't eaten since Wednesday evening. I'm so weak that I can't even move my fingers across the keyboard.

He just told me I have to eat today. Meh.

He also said "You eat at home, why not here? Is it because our food is crap?" Well, no, because you make me salads, and that's what I eat at home. The reason I eat at home is because I have to. If I didn't have to, then I wouldn't. Maybe I should see if I can eat in my room again - I haven't been trusted to because of my eating disorder, but that was a while ago now. Hmph. I'll experiment. Say I'm revising or something. Yeah.

I will actually have to eat something tomorrow though, I have to walk home, and I have very little energy. I can't even revise. I have exams Thursday and Friday, so I need to sort myself out for a couple of days. But that shall be it.

God I just wanna die.

Oh my God.

Last night he said his boxers might be too small for me. They were massive. What does this say? I'M FAT.

He has allowed me to not eat for two days.

Why am I in this relationship? He makes me feel shit about myself.

I'm in this because it is an easy way for me to not eat.

He doesn't love me. That's obvious. But the feeling shit is motivation.

Anyway, looking at this screen isn't helping how faint I'm feeling right now. I'm off.

Just kill me.

I literally just cried over the thought of eating. My boyfriends Dad presented me with two Quorn burgers for dinner. The idea of eating made me cry and I ate about 4 small bites. There was butter on there, and that completely threw me.
Luckily, he thought it was because I was stressed and hid the one burger in a plastic bag.

He don't care. I never ate last night either. He just thinks I'm fat and could do with the lost weight.

Fat bitch.

I know my pregnancy test may have come up negative, but I seem to have morning sickness, but it's lasting from about 6am until 1pm. It's every day as well, and I really feel pregnant which is weird.

Anyway, I have given up smoking, which is proving to make me very aggressive!

Today I have also done a workout, and cried over my upcoming exams. It's been lovely!!

Weight is coming off... spending a lot of time at my boyfriends tomorrow through until Wednesday, and then next Friday until Wednesday (I have an exam Thursday and Friday so shouldn't really stay, just in case we can't wake up haha!)

Anyway, hope everyone is well. I'm a very busy bee at the moment, so posted quickly. Will check out and comment on blogs soon. Lovez

Negative.

I wasn't pregnant!

In so many ways I am incredibly gutted, because I missed so many pills from purging and when I have been ill. What if I have messed up my body so much that I'm infertile? I know it took my Mum ages to get pregnant when she didn't have periods - she also had an eating disorder. I just really hope that's all it is, and that it will just take a while to conceive when we're ready.

Anyway, I haven't purged, and I'm eating very, very little. So, jeans are lose, hip bones sticking out, ribs, hands round waist. It's well good.

Anyways, loves x

This is actually horrible.

So, I looked in my wardrobe the other day to see what I had to wear, and then I saw about 4 cups that I had previously used to purge into. To my own surprise, there was one with sick in there that had been there for months. I don't want to go into detail or anything, but you can imagine how that smelt and stuff - and I didn't realise because I have a divided wardrobe, and this is for my posher clothes, that I seldom wear. It was so hideous, and I had to find a way to clean them whilst my parents were in the house as well. I've honestly never seen or smelt anything worse.
I realised that I have a problem and vow never to purge again, because that was just awful.

Anyway, I think I'm pregnant, but there's no way of knowing because I don't have periods. I missed a couple of pills from purging, so who knows. I'll take a test tomorrow, I think. As much as I would love a baby, at the moment I cannot afford to put on any weight - or starve my baby to death whilst it is inside of me.

As you can tell I'm in a shitty mood. So, I'm going to stop putting everyone down now, and go off until I feel better. Sorry! Hope everyone is ok.

Exams.

Exams are coming very soon, and I haven't eaten in 2 days, so as you can imagine I'm feeling really weak and tired and have very little motivation to revise.

All I can honestly think about is food. It's making me ill. I might have an all-day revision session tomorrow, and eat a bit but take laxatives or something - purging takes up too much time, even though it's more effective.

I kept being on the verge of fainting yesterday, especially when I stood up. It was horrible. I could barely move this morning as well. It was horrible.

I might have a salad and a fudge bar tomorrow - which is pushing it because they're around 115 calories.. but I need to pass. I have had 3 University rejections, which leaves me with only one choice. So, I have to get in.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, they're lush. And, I hope everyone is well :D

I don't even know what to do.

I love being with my boyfriend and everything, but I feel like I'm only going to his house all the time so that I can avoid eating. That's really bad. It's like I'm only with him for motivation.

Saying that, I have still devised a plan...

Have sex as much as possible, with me putting in the most effort, to lose as much weight as possible, as quickly as possible.

I feel so fat. When I'm at home I lose my control, and I hate that. I think I have made a negative association with food at my house. Anyway, I plan to remain out of the kitchen as much as possible. I have a bottle of squash up here, so I shall endeavor to only go downstairs in the morning, when I do not wish to eat anyway.

And, these weekly binges of about 1000 calories or less are getting ridiculous.. NO MORE.


Oh my God. His mum is a mental health nurse, and she has clocked on to my eating habits. She keeps mentioning it, and it's getting horribly uncomfortable. They're all "worried" about me. #fuckmylife

Anyway, I hope everyone is ok and everything. Sorry I haven't been on much.