Thursday, 15 March 2012

What do you love about me?

Having had the lowest couple of days I have had for a while, not being helped by not having eaten for some time now, I thought I would spend the weekend at my boyfriends.

When walking to his car, people were staring at me from their cars, and I asked him why people always look at you out of their car windows. He said, "It's because you're pretty, Em. I mean, you're just right, you're not very pretty..." and then later, he called me "chunky" and said I was "bigger than" him (and no-one wants to be the fat one in the relationship, do they). Obviously, I freaked out every time, but he kept doing it. The worst thing is, is that he means it. He didn't say it in a joke-y way, and he never even apologised, saying "I didn't say anything horrible did I? What's wrong with you?"

He's just asked me what I'm typing on - he likes to check up on me.

Why am I with someone who makes me feel like shit, you may ask?

Well, if I'm at his house, he doesn't offer me food (he wants to see me starve, so that he can have a skinnier girlfriend, I imagine) and I don't ask for it.

What;s funny, is that his parents tell him to make me something, and he doesn't.
What's funnier is that one of his friends was making a fuss when we were at his, saying that I should eat something, and that he felt 'guilty' and 'worried', and my boyfriend said, "Mate, don't worry about her, I've known her not eat for days".

This man tells me he loves me, and couldn't care less if I starved to death or not. Why is he with me? Why does he love me?
I'm moody, insecure, impatient, angry, ugly, fat, incompetent (from my last exam performance I will not get my predicted grades), and (considering we've had like 6-ish opportunities where I could have been pregnant, but haven't been) possibly infertile.

What a fucking catch?!

By the way, the insults are motivating, but awful as well. Bear it in mind that I never say anything hurtful to him, other than things like: "It hurts when you say things like that" - which often results in me feeling guilty for bringing it up that I'm upset. Also bear in mind that there's a lot of hurtful things I could say about him, but never do say them to him - because I don't want to fucking hurt him.

This is my battle: he makes me feel like shit, and I know it shouldn't be motivating and that I need to eat to get where I want in life, but then I miss him when I'm not around him, because he's everything to me and I love him with all of my heart. Then I think, if he's not physically attracted to me - which he obviously isn't - what is he attracted to? Or is it just someone to fuck, because he couldn't get laid by the girl he wanted?

And, people wonder why I constantly break out into tears randomly and why I'm not in College ever.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this crap. You truly don't deserve it.

    You know, it sounds a little bit like he has his own issues, and is putting you down for one of two reasons:
    1. It makes him feel better about himself.
    2. He feels the need to, essentially, abuse you because he is worried that you may break up with him. So by insulting you, he is breaking down your self-esteem, making you think that noone else would want you, so you'll stay with him.

    Obviously I don't know the whole situation. At all. That's just what I gather from your post. I guess the most important thing that I hope you take from this comment is that he does these things because of HIS issues. It has NOTHING to do with you. There are quite a few guys out there that feel the need to do the same thing.

    You deserve to be happy. It's obvious that he is bringing you down.

    Sounds like time for a list of pros and cons about the relationship. If there are more cons than pros, leave before his issues become worse, and he brings you down even more.

    Hope you are well, gorgeous. <3