Oh God.

I am on my first day of fasting after a 3-day binge :O

I ate around 2000 calories on thursday, 3000 on friday and 1500 yesterday. Today, I have consumed 0. I will be consuming no more - apart from sugar free juice and stuff like that.

I was so disgusted with myself, mostly because I'm 55kg AGAIN! I feel sick.

I'm going to do some yogalates later, and I have zumba tomorrow, and of course my daily 4.6 mile walk. I'm not eating either day. I can't afford to. If I could be 50kg by the end of the week, again, that would be excellent. But, 49kg would be better.

FATFATFATBITCH: how do you gain 5 kg in 3 days?

shit. I'm fat. Oh fuckfuckfuck. What will I wear to college tomorrow? Nothing will fit me -.-

I need to look like my sister. She's so skinny. I'm so fat. fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

My plan: try and hold out a binge until saturday, if I make it until saturday, I won't want to spoil it by binging... therefore I will not binge at all next week.

It ruins everything, a binge does. I don't eat on Tuesday or Wednesday, then Thursday comes and I eat like a horse. Disgusting.

Anyway, I'm going to pity myself now. Staystrongxx

I made it a while...then I binged.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while - again! I have to stay away from home until late, so that I don't have to eat - to put it bluntly.

On Sunday, I hid my meat and my roast potatoes, and I ate my vegetables (so probably over 100 calories, but under 200 calories). I hid most of my dinner on monday, I had no meat, just vegetables, and left loads on the plate. So, I probably had about 100-150 calories (there was a spicy sauce on the vegetables, so you can't be sure really on calories). On Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't eat (Y). Yesterday, I binged (N). I think I consumed about 2,500 calories. I ate and ate and ate until I couldn't move, and I felt food in my throat. I think my stomach has shrunk, because I was full after eating a cookie. That was good, but I didn't listen to my body, I just wanted food.

Also, on Monday I went to a Zumba class, and everyday I walk 2.6 miles. So, I know I'm burning more than I'm eating most of the time.

My only concern is my A Levels. Exams are in less than 2 months, and all I can do is sit on my laptop doing barely anything. I struggle to concentrate on revision. But, it would be weak to stop now. I've only just started. Starting is the hardest part, I don't think I could do it again. I should never have recovered. It's just harder for me now, because I never brought up my calorie intake to a high enough number.

I have no idea what to cook tonight. Something hide-able, and we don't already have in the house, so that I'll have to walk to the supermarket to buy it.

Anyway, stay strong xx

Whoa...weight loss :)

50kg. Yess, I thought I'd reached my plateau.

Though, I binged as soon as I weighed myself... I don't know why?
I also purged. Silly dick, broke my purging record thing. I just felt so guilllltyyy. As well as that, I took 4 laxatives. FMLx2222222 -.-
Not gonna lie, got serious chest pains now. Can't concentrate on revision either, fml.

Also, another 1/2ins off each thigh :D:D:D (I just realised I measure with a mix of metric and imperial, that's so British of me! Like, we have both measurements on everything, because the EU say we have to measure in mm, cm, kg, g and such; but we've always measured in lbs, ozs, ins and miles etc. Weird :L)

I may have binged, but next week I have 3 opportunities not to eat AT ALL!! And, the other two days I'll be cooking easily hide-able things :)

Ummm, double date thing on friday. Don't even like this guy, he does performing arts, so probably won't stop singing -.- I don't mind singing, but jeeeesus. He's not like my ex.

Still fat.

Don't know if I said, but last week, my intake per day was under 100/200 calories, it varied. I was happy. But, next week, it's going to be lower than 100, for sure. And in the case of Tues, Weds, and Fri it will be 00000 :D

HAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYYYY :)
I will be skinny.

Loooooooooooooooooove xx

I lied..and almost have been caught.

So, yesterday, I stayed at college until 8pm with Liam, his girlfriend, and a boy who apparently wants to go out with me (which would be nice, because he's lovely!). I got home, and had told my parents I got dinner whilst I was at college - though I'm pretty sure Liam saw the text whilst we were waiting for the train, and got suspicious (because he asked me what I was having for dinner - something he never asks me?).
Anyway, tonight I got back at 7pm, because we went to see King Lear for English Literature - which was brilliant, by the way! But, without even thinking about it, I told my mum I'd already eaten. I'm pretty sure she's suspicious, I can hear she and my dad whispering and stuff downstairs. Obviously, they are naturally suspicious because I've already had an eating disorder.
On the plus side, I have not purged since 4 weeks ago, I think. Also, I have seriously restricted my intake, hiding my food and eating only vegetables.

Does anyone know if vitamins cause weight gain? This concerns me, because I want to look healthy, and this is the only way.

So, I'm going out on a double date with this lad, Liam and his girlfriend next friday (well, I pissed Liam off tonight by not getting the train with him, and he hasn't text me back in tiiiiiiime, so I hope we can still go. I kind of blame Sally, because she doesn't like him, otherwise I would have waited.)

I can't wait....but am nervous. Oh shit, what if he thinks I'm too fat? Fuck. It's only a week away tomorrow, how can I drop to 45kg by then? Ugh, I'm still 51, by the way. FML -.-

Anyway, long story over...loveyouall :) xx

The end..

This made sound really stupid, and maybe I'm just depressed, but I'm pretty sure that the end of the world is immanent.

What with the shocking economy, the tsunami in Japan, the tycoon in Australia, and the Libyan and Egyptian uprisings... In addition, we are creating an agreement with NATO about what actions to take in Libya. This worries me, because there's all the power to begin war, and chances are that war may begin (I saw this on PM's questions on Wednesday).

This isn't that 2012 conspiracy, because I'm pretty sure that Nostradamus couldn't have even been THAT accurate.

Everything is turning to shit. I hate to be so cynical, but it's all I can think about. I wasn't even happy yesterday, when I got my results back (I got A's, in Psychology and Law - in Law I got 100%). But, all I could think about was how it doesn't matter because I literally see no future. Does anyone else see anything? Or is it just black?

Uh, I sound awfully depressing. No-one needs this. Just another rant, I guess, and I'm sorry.

Anyway, stay strong xx

Get in..

No food tomorrow. Bit of alcohol is mandatory though..not much! I'll fake being drunk!! So, then they'll stop me from drinking as much. YESSS!!

That's all really.

Hope everyone's cool...stay strong. xx