It would be nice if I was thin now.
I put on some jeans, ones that fit me last week, and they didn't fit.
I have only been doing Yogalates this week, no walking. I think this is why. I cut down my food intake to as little as I could - clearly this isn't working. I need to cut down some more, obviously.
I did 65 mins of walking today, and will do some sit-ups in a little bit.
I'm scared of weighing myself, but will do it tomorrow. I don't think I'll be able to look.
My calorie intake today was under 300. My walking apparently burnt 260 calories. Might do some yoga.
Wanna start running, but I'm scared that people will drive past and be horrified by my wobbling fat.
Also, college again tomorrow. I'm scared to go in, I've put on so much weight. Shit, what will I wear?
Gotta go anyway, stay strong x
Sunday 27 February 2011
Saturday 26 February 2011
OhmyGod
So I weighed myself on my nan's scales yesterday, and I weighed 135lbs. So, I don't know which scales are correct.
I think my nan's are...that would make more sense. If it's true then I'm fucking gutted, because that's like 61kg. I think I feel sick in my mouth. It's fucking disgusting. I feel that fat though, well fatter.
So I've decided, you can never weigh too little. So, if I get down to 105 or 100 or something low on my nan's scales, which would be much lower on mine, I'll be happy.
Here's my plan: I have enjoyed food tonight for the last time - I'm so bloated. I've also taken like a million laxatives. Then, tomorrow it starts (or stops rather) I'm never eating again. I haven't purged in a while. Last week I lasted well on just one meal a day - but I need to find a way of hiding my food again. I always wear my expensive Jack Will's clothes though, so I don't want to shove food up those sleeves!!
I know - on Wednesday, and Monday I'll stay late at college, and say I'm eating at college. Lie obviously. Come home for like 7.30/8 and I'll be good. On Saturday I have a small get-together. Me and the girls, hopefully there won't be crisps there, like last time. If there are, I'll just be like, 'I'm going for a fag'. Which reminds me, I'm not allowed to smoke today, because I ate. If I associate being allowed to smoke with being allowed to eat, then I'll be more tempted to eat...but I enjoy smoking more than food you see! So this bodes well for me.
Anywho, I feel so agoraphobic these days. I just don't wanna leave the house because people will see how fat I am. Especially if I have to go out with my sister. Like, today, me, my nan and my sister all went into Birmingham to do some shopping. I felt like shit all day, I looked in a mirror and nearly cried in public. Every girl/woman I looked at was skinnier than me. I hate it hate it hate it. I need to be thin. NEED.
I read this thing that men only liked skinny girls...well I want him back. I won't get himwhen I look this ugly and disgusting.
Even my dad calls me fat, my family tell me I look 'well' and my sister told me I had a double chin.
Though a boy did tell me I was not fat the other day. But what's that? Somewhere between fat and skinny? Or just being nice?
I can't take compliments, or criticism.
Omg, I wish I would just die. In fact, no weight target is my goal..death is. Because I hate living like this, and will never be loved nor happy.
Why do we have food? Can't we just survive from air...
I am going to have to do something at home. I wanna put thinspo on the walls, but I can't.
I don't need it, food is the only thing in my life I can control, and will control.
I cannot control my career, or my exam results, but I can control how much I eat and my weight. Yes, I like that. I can control my life by controlling food intake. I am stronger than this. I can stop eating now!!!
By the way, can I just say to 'unbeautiful', if she's arond this blog that I love you, and I'm glad you're ok!
Staystrongg xx
I think my nan's are...that would make more sense. If it's true then I'm fucking gutted, because that's like 61kg. I think I feel sick in my mouth. It's fucking disgusting. I feel that fat though, well fatter.
So I've decided, you can never weigh too little. So, if I get down to 105 or 100 or something low on my nan's scales, which would be much lower on mine, I'll be happy.
Here's my plan: I have enjoyed food tonight for the last time - I'm so bloated. I've also taken like a million laxatives. Then, tomorrow it starts (or stops rather) I'm never eating again. I haven't purged in a while. Last week I lasted well on just one meal a day - but I need to find a way of hiding my food again. I always wear my expensive Jack Will's clothes though, so I don't want to shove food up those sleeves!!
I know - on Wednesday, and Monday I'll stay late at college, and say I'm eating at college. Lie obviously. Come home for like 7.30/8 and I'll be good. On Saturday I have a small get-together. Me and the girls, hopefully there won't be crisps there, like last time. If there are, I'll just be like, 'I'm going for a fag'. Which reminds me, I'm not allowed to smoke today, because I ate. If I associate being allowed to smoke with being allowed to eat, then I'll be more tempted to eat...but I enjoy smoking more than food you see! So this bodes well for me.
Anywho, I feel so agoraphobic these days. I just don't wanna leave the house because people will see how fat I am. Especially if I have to go out with my sister. Like, today, me, my nan and my sister all went into Birmingham to do some shopping. I felt like shit all day, I looked in a mirror and nearly cried in public. Every girl/woman I looked at was skinnier than me. I hate it hate it hate it. I need to be thin. NEED.
I read this thing that men only liked skinny girls...well I want him back. I won't get himwhen I look this ugly and disgusting.
Even my dad calls me fat, my family tell me I look 'well' and my sister told me I had a double chin.
Though a boy did tell me I was not fat the other day. But what's that? Somewhere between fat and skinny? Or just being nice?
I can't take compliments, or criticism.
Omg, I wish I would just die. In fact, no weight target is my goal..death is. Because I hate living like this, and will never be loved nor happy.
Why do we have food? Can't we just survive from air...
I am going to have to do something at home. I wanna put thinspo on the walls, but I can't.
I don't need it, food is the only thing in my life I can control, and will control.
I cannot control my career, or my exam results, but I can control how much I eat and my weight. Yes, I like that. I can control my life by controlling food intake. I am stronger than this. I can stop eating now!!!
By the way, can I just say to 'unbeautiful', if she's arond this blog that I love you, and I'm glad you're ok!
Staystrongg xx
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Shit.
After couple of days binging, until I finally realised what I was doing yesterday, I have put on 7kg. I don't know how.
I'm such a fatty.
At current, I weigh 59kg. I feel ashamed to fucking say it.
I feel sick just looking at that number.
No wonder people are calling me fat, and telling me I look well (well is like code for fat when you've had an ED, isn't it?!).
I need to lose this. So, I am actually NEVER binging again.
I made thinspo. I am staying in my room or going out. I am not going in the kitchen unless I have to cook dinner. I'm not tasting the food I cook. I'm hiding my dinner again. I'm NOT purging. That makes me want to binge - so it's a no go zone.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and that made me cry. I am so disgusted by my own appearance.
Maybe I need to quit smoking. Everytime I need a fag and I can't have one, I crave food. Maybe I should jump off a fucking building.
I'm doing 2 hours of yoga later, might go for a walk as well. But, to be honest, I feel a little agoraphobic - I don't think I could leave the house if I wanted to. I'm scared of what people will think when they see me.
I'm supposed to be going to my nan's on thursday. That means having dinner there - which will probably be a take-away pizza (shit - cheese) or fish n' chips (in which case I'll have like a Pukka Pie or something, trying to keep the calories low(er)). And then, she'll probably make me have breakfast - which I will try to 'eat' upstairs, which will be toast if she has any. I'll try and get my mum to pick us up at lunchtime, so that we'll be travelling through lunch, and by the time I get home I'll have got away with not eating that much.
I hope to God that we don't have to have take-away, I might ask her if we can go to Sainsbury's or walk up to the Spar and buy some pasta or some baking potatoes or something like that.
She always offers us loads of sweets as well.
Omg, I'll never be 40kg - I re-evaluated how much I want to weigh, and that's what it is now.
By the end of March, I want to be 47kg (this gives me 40 days to lose 12kg - but once this disgusting bloat has gone, it will be 5kg - is this do-able? YES, with no binges!).
By the end of April, I want to be 44kg.
By the end of May, I want to be 42kg.
By the end of June, I WILL be 40kg.
I'm such a fatty.
At current, I weigh 59kg. I feel ashamed to fucking say it.
I feel sick just looking at that number.
No wonder people are calling me fat, and telling me I look well (well is like code for fat when you've had an ED, isn't it?!).
I need to lose this. So, I am actually NEVER binging again.
I made thinspo. I am staying in my room or going out. I am not going in the kitchen unless I have to cook dinner. I'm not tasting the food I cook. I'm hiding my dinner again. I'm NOT purging. That makes me want to binge - so it's a no go zone.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and that made me cry. I am so disgusted by my own appearance.
Maybe I need to quit smoking. Everytime I need a fag and I can't have one, I crave food. Maybe I should jump off a fucking building.
I'm doing 2 hours of yoga later, might go for a walk as well. But, to be honest, I feel a little agoraphobic - I don't think I could leave the house if I wanted to. I'm scared of what people will think when they see me.
I'm supposed to be going to my nan's on thursday. That means having dinner there - which will probably be a take-away pizza (shit - cheese) or fish n' chips (in which case I'll have like a Pukka Pie or something, trying to keep the calories low(er)). And then, she'll probably make me have breakfast - which I will try to 'eat' upstairs, which will be toast if she has any. I'll try and get my mum to pick us up at lunchtime, so that we'll be travelling through lunch, and by the time I get home I'll have got away with not eating that much.
I hope to God that we don't have to have take-away, I might ask her if we can go to Sainsbury's or walk up to the Spar and buy some pasta or some baking potatoes or something like that.
She always offers us loads of sweets as well.
Omg, I'll never be 40kg - I re-evaluated how much I want to weigh, and that's what it is now.
By the end of March, I want to be 47kg (this gives me 40 days to lose 12kg - but once this disgusting bloat has gone, it will be 5kg - is this do-able? YES, with no binges!).
By the end of April, I want to be 44kg.
By the end of May, I want to be 42kg.
By the end of June, I WILL be 40kg.
Monday 21 February 2011
Fml
Firstly I'm on my phone, so apologies for strange spelling mistakes!!
Secondly, I feel like shit.
I miss my ex more than anything I could ever think of. I need him back in my life. I saw his car the other day. He stopped speaking to me after he felt how fat I was. I need to lose 10kg. Urgently.
My dad keeps making digs: he called me 'fat arse'. He used to call me skinny, now he just calls my sister skinny - it hurts.
My friend and I were stood un a full length mirror together - she weighs 70kg - I didn't look much thinner than her at all. I couldn't look for long, I felt sick. I don't mean that in s horrible or botchy way, I just couldn't bare my reflection.
I had afull length picture with my mum and sister yesterday, my mum weighs about 65kg-70kg, she fucking looked thinner than me. My sister weighs about 45kg, she looked miles thinner than me. Surely because we aren't far off recuperate weights we should look similar? No. I'm gross. Out of proportion and ugly.
I want to die. I hate this. I cabt bare to look in the mirror anymore. I don't want to step foot outside if the house, certainly not with people dinner than me. Honestly, if I go out I have to find out who else is going, to make sure that I will be the thinnest one there. So u wont be going our tomorrow night, because a really skinny friend is going. I'm staying in. Looking at thins and starving. Sounds good. They're going for an Indian, which is BARE calories (bare means lots, it's some birmingham slang thing!!.
Ugh I feel shut.
I hope everyone else is ok :) love xx
Secondly, I feel like shit.
I miss my ex more than anything I could ever think of. I need him back in my life. I saw his car the other day. He stopped speaking to me after he felt how fat I was. I need to lose 10kg. Urgently.
My dad keeps making digs: he called me 'fat arse'. He used to call me skinny, now he just calls my sister skinny - it hurts.
My friend and I were stood un a full length mirror together - she weighs 70kg - I didn't look much thinner than her at all. I couldn't look for long, I felt sick. I don't mean that in s horrible or botchy way, I just couldn't bare my reflection.
I had afull length picture with my mum and sister yesterday, my mum weighs about 65kg-70kg, she fucking looked thinner than me. My sister weighs about 45kg, she looked miles thinner than me. Surely because we aren't far off recuperate weights we should look similar? No. I'm gross. Out of proportion and ugly.
I want to die. I hate this. I cabt bare to look in the mirror anymore. I don't want to step foot outside if the house, certainly not with people dinner than me. Honestly, if I go out I have to find out who else is going, to make sure that I will be the thinnest one there. So u wont be going our tomorrow night, because a really skinny friend is going. I'm staying in. Looking at thins and starving. Sounds good. They're going for an Indian, which is BARE calories (bare means lots, it's some birmingham slang thing!!.
Ugh I feel shut.
I hope everyone else is ok :) love xx
Monday 14 February 2011
Horrible Day.
Train was cancelled this morning...get to the station, look at the board, to read "this service has been cancelled due to somebody being hit by a train".
Wow. That's pretty shit. The girl was 15, and she jumped. My sister knew her. It's awful, really, because no-one noticed anything, any signs, nothing.
On her facebook she looks so happy, but don't we all in pictures. I can empathise with her emotions, to some extent, because I have days where I just want to dive in front of a fast-moving car, but I never do. But, for someone so young to feel that bad, when she had her whole life ahead of her is just mind-boggling. I just wish that the world was brighter, and nicer, and no-one EVER had to feel that way about living.
Stay strong x
Wow. That's pretty shit. The girl was 15, and she jumped. My sister knew her. It's awful, really, because no-one noticed anything, any signs, nothing.
On her facebook she looks so happy, but don't we all in pictures. I can empathise with her emotions, to some extent, because I have days where I just want to dive in front of a fast-moving car, but I never do. But, for someone so young to feel that bad, when she had her whole life ahead of her is just mind-boggling. I just wish that the world was brighter, and nicer, and no-one EVER had to feel that way about living.
Stay strong x
Sunday 13 February 2011
It's been a while...
Wow..Sorry.
Well, I've been feeling pretty shit lately, so I just have been lying down, doing yoga, studying and trying not to eat. Apart from that, fuck all.
I'm pretty sure my mum and dad hate me. Seriously. My dad more, but I make them sad apparently because I never leave my room.
Yeah, that's because I'm studying a lot, so that I can fucking fulfil my dreams - and theirs.
Great.
I don't do the cooking anymore. They say its making me stressed. Even more stressed now. You should see how they cook. Everything is cheesy and fatty and calorific.
I hate my life so much. I can't stop crying. All the time.
I miss my ex. So much.
I thought I resented the world...I don't. I resent myself. I just hate everyone else for being happy, when I'm not.
I don't think I could be any lower. I wish my weight could be. 51kg. Makes me feel sick. It won't budge any lower. Also, I'm swinging in and out of mia-ana phases. It's really annoying.
I have no energy, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm ill, I'm depressed, I'm sick of revising.
I am at the end of my tether. I really am. I just want to find a zone, where I'm completely comfortable, and be happy.
I need to smoke. Badly. I only have dry tobacco left. Makes me want to cry. I probably will cry. Fuck it, I'll smoke it anyway. I need the nicotine, and the taste. Ew, no, not the taste of that shit. You can't take it back.
Eugh. By the way, I'm not longer allowed to drink those low calorie hot chocolates. Any amount of calories are calories. I can't be doing with it.
Anyway, my theory is:
I have nothing to live for...because my life isn't living. Starving myself to death doesn't bother me, because death is probably a shite load better than living is. So, if I die, I die. I have made no impression on the world, and everyone hates me, and no-one loves me, I'm just unlovable. And, I'm not fucking surprised, because I'm horrible.
I'm going now. Hope you're all ok :)
xx
Well, I've been feeling pretty shit lately, so I just have been lying down, doing yoga, studying and trying not to eat. Apart from that, fuck all.
I'm pretty sure my mum and dad hate me. Seriously. My dad more, but I make them sad apparently because I never leave my room.
Yeah, that's because I'm studying a lot, so that I can fucking fulfil my dreams - and theirs.
Great.
I don't do the cooking anymore. They say its making me stressed. Even more stressed now. You should see how they cook. Everything is cheesy and fatty and calorific.
I hate my life so much. I can't stop crying. All the time.
I miss my ex. So much.
I thought I resented the world...I don't. I resent myself. I just hate everyone else for being happy, when I'm not.
I don't think I could be any lower. I wish my weight could be. 51kg. Makes me feel sick. It won't budge any lower. Also, I'm swinging in and out of mia-ana phases. It's really annoying.
I have no energy, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm ill, I'm depressed, I'm sick of revising.
I am at the end of my tether. I really am. I just want to find a zone, where I'm completely comfortable, and be happy.
I need to smoke. Badly. I only have dry tobacco left. Makes me want to cry. I probably will cry. Fuck it, I'll smoke it anyway. I need the nicotine, and the taste. Ew, no, not the taste of that shit. You can't take it back.
Eugh. By the way, I'm not longer allowed to drink those low calorie hot chocolates. Any amount of calories are calories. I can't be doing with it.
Anyway, my theory is:
I have nothing to live for...because my life isn't living. Starving myself to death doesn't bother me, because death is probably a shite load better than living is. So, if I die, I die. I have made no impression on the world, and everyone hates me, and no-one loves me, I'm just unlovable. And, I'm not fucking surprised, because I'm horrible.
I'm going now. Hope you're all ok :)
xx
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