OhmyGod

So I weighed myself on my nan's scales yesterday, and I weighed 135lbs. So, I don't know which scales are correct.

I think my nan's are...that would make more sense. If it's true then I'm fucking gutted, because that's like 61kg. I think I feel sick in my mouth. It's fucking disgusting. I feel that fat though, well fatter.

So I've decided, you can never weigh too little. So, if I get down to 105 or 100 or something low on my nan's scales, which would be much lower on mine, I'll be happy.

Here's my plan: I have enjoyed food tonight for the last time - I'm so bloated. I've also taken like a million laxatives. Then, tomorrow it starts (or stops rather) I'm never eating again. I haven't purged in a while. Last week I lasted well on just one meal a day - but I need to find a way of hiding my food again. I always wear my expensive Jack Will's clothes though, so I don't want to shove food up those sleeves!!

I know - on Wednesday, and Monday I'll stay late at college, and say I'm eating at college. Lie obviously. Come home for like 7.30/8 and I'll be good. On Saturday I have a small get-together. Me and the girls, hopefully there won't be crisps there, like last time. If there are, I'll just be like, 'I'm going for a fag'. Which reminds me, I'm not allowed to smoke today, because I ate. If I associate being allowed to smoke with being allowed to eat, then I'll be more tempted to eat...but I enjoy smoking more than food you see! So this bodes well for me.

Anywho, I feel so agoraphobic these days. I just don't wanna leave the house because people will see how fat I am. Especially if I have to go out with my sister. Like, today, me, my nan and my sister all went into Birmingham to do some shopping. I felt like shit all day, I looked in a mirror and nearly cried in public. Every girl/woman I looked at was skinnier than me. I hate it hate it hate it. I need to be thin. NEED.

I read this thing that men only liked skinny girls...well I want him back. I won't get himwhen I look this ugly and disgusting.

Even my dad calls me fat, my family tell me I look 'well' and my sister told me I had a double chin.

Though a boy did tell me I was not fat the other day. But what's that? Somewhere between fat and skinny? Or just being nice?
I can't take compliments, or criticism.

Omg, I wish I would just die. In fact, no weight target is my goal..death is. Because I hate living like this, and will never be loved nor happy.

Why do we have food? Can't we just survive from air...

I am going to have to do something at home. I wanna put thinspo on the walls, but I can't.

I don't need it, food is the only thing in my life I can control, and will control.
I cannot control my career, or my exam results, but I can control how much I eat and my weight. Yes, I like that. I can control my life by controlling food intake. I am stronger than this. I can stop eating now!!!


By the way, can I just say to 'unbeautiful', if she's arond this blog that I love you, and I'm glad you're ok!

Staystrongg xx