Shit.

After couple of days binging, until I finally realised what I was doing yesterday, I have put on 7kg. I don't know how.
I'm such a fatty.
At current, I weigh 59kg. I feel ashamed to fucking say it.
I feel sick just looking at that number.

No wonder people are calling me fat, and telling me I look well (well is like code for fat when you've had an ED, isn't it?!).

I need to lose this. So, I am actually NEVER binging again.
I made thinspo. I am staying in my room or going out. I am not going in the kitchen unless I have to cook dinner. I'm not tasting the food I cook. I'm hiding my dinner again. I'm NOT purging. That makes me want to binge - so it's a no go zone.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and that made me cry. I am so disgusted by my own appearance.
Maybe I need to quit smoking. Everytime I need a fag and I can't have one, I crave food. Maybe I should jump off a fucking building.

I'm doing 2 hours of yoga later, might go for a walk as well. But, to be honest, I feel a little agoraphobic - I don't think I could leave the house if I wanted to. I'm scared of what people will think when they see me.

I'm supposed to be going to my nan's on thursday. That means having dinner there - which will probably be a take-away pizza (shit - cheese) or fish n' chips (in which case I'll have like a Pukka Pie or something, trying to keep the calories low(er)). And then, she'll probably make me have breakfast - which I will try to 'eat' upstairs, which will be toast if she has any. I'll try and get my mum to pick us up at lunchtime, so that we'll be travelling through lunch, and by the time I get home I'll have got away with not eating that much.

I hope to God that we don't have to have take-away, I might ask her if we can go to Sainsbury's or walk up to the Spar and buy some pasta or some baking potatoes or something like that.

She always offers us loads of sweets as well.

Omg, I'll never be 40kg - I re-evaluated how much I want to weigh, and that's what it is now.

By the end of March, I want to be 47kg (this gives me 40 days to lose 12kg - but once this disgusting bloat has gone, it will be 5kg - is this do-able? YES, with no binges!).
By the end of April, I want to be 44kg.
By the end of May, I want to be 42kg.
By the end of June, I WILL be 40kg.