Sunday, 13 February 2011

It's been a while...


Well, I've been feeling pretty shit lately, so I just have been lying down, doing yoga, studying and trying not to eat. Apart from that, fuck all.

I'm pretty sure my mum and dad hate me. Seriously. My dad more, but I make them sad apparently because I never leave my room.
Yeah, that's because I'm studying a lot, so that I can fucking fulfil my dreams - and theirs.

I don't do the cooking anymore. They say its making me stressed. Even more stressed now. You should see how they cook. Everything is cheesy and fatty and calorific.

I hate my life so much. I can't stop crying. All the time.
I miss my ex. So much.

I thought I resented the world...I don't. I resent myself. I just hate everyone else for being happy, when I'm not.

I don't think I could be any lower. I wish my weight could be. 51kg. Makes me feel sick. It won't budge any lower. Also, I'm swinging in and out of mia-ana phases. It's really annoying.

I have no energy, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm ill, I'm depressed, I'm sick of revising.

I am at the end of my tether. I really am. I just want to find a zone, where I'm completely comfortable, and be happy.

I need to smoke. Badly. I only have dry tobacco left. Makes me want to cry. I probably will cry. Fuck it, I'll smoke it anyway. I need the nicotine, and the taste. Ew, no, not the taste of that shit. You can't take it back.

Eugh. By the way, I'm not longer allowed to drink those low calorie hot chocolates. Any amount of calories are calories. I can't be doing with it.

Anyway, my theory is:
I have nothing to live for...because my life isn't living. Starving myself to death doesn't bother me, because death is probably a shite load better than living is. So, if I die, I die. I have made no impression on the world, and everyone hates me, and no-one loves me, I'm just unlovable. And, I'm not fucking surprised, because I'm horrible.

I'm going now. Hope you're all ok :)


  1. Awww sweetie. *hug* parents can be hard to deal with they don't understand what u are going through and that's hard but then agian they just u to be happy. And u have a lotto live for and ppl do love you even if u don't beilive it. :) stay stong you are amazing and don't ever question it. :)
    Take of yourself
    Xoxoxo oxo

  2. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you. I know it's hard to lock yourself in your room to study your brains out to please everyone else. Parents have a hard time understanding the troubles of an eating disorder and depression. I hope you feel better and just so you know, you are loved. How do I know? Because I love you. Cheer up babe. <3