Monday, 31 January 2011

Life review..

This is going to be a bit of a if you can't be arsed, then I'm forewarning you (haha)!!

I have been assessing myself today, and I realised what I am:

1.  I do not love anyone, well I do have like love, but nothing overwhelming, like I could take it or leave it. I say I love people, but I think it's just that I like being around them and/or would help them out if they needed it.
What I mean is, that I would much rather be alone than near anyone. I feel somewhat resentment towards other people, because they're happier than I am, and I think this is why.
I really do disgust myself.

2.  I do not feel guilty about anything I do. I lie, repeatedly, steal from my parents (not money or anything big, just fags). I have noticed it, but I just don't feel any sort of guilt or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. My AS Psychology suggests this is 'affectionless psychopathy' ... but I don't think that I was deprived as a child, so this can't really be so. I just think I'm an awful person.

3.  I do not care about myself. I do things to be socially acceptable, which does contradict point 1, but I don't mean it to.

4.  I do not want to be anything in life, I am just doing this whole lot of shit to make my family proud. I just, honestly, would rather die and be done with life...or go live on a mountain somewhere! I hate the idea of being a slave for the fucking government.

5.  This is my relapse, and I have lost like no weight this time round. If you saw me, you would not believe I ever had an ED, and that disgusts me. So much.

6.  All of my friends love me, and want me to go out with them more. But, honestly, I could really just never speak to them again, and not care. That is really awful.

All of these things, and I know that there's more, but these are the main ones, make me hate myself. The one that pisses me off the most, is that I am incapable of loving people, and I don't know why. I have no reason to be this way, no-one has ever hurt me that badly, and I've always been loved. It makes me feel awful, because I'm lucky, a lot of people do not have this advantage, and I don't even know what to do with it. I don't deserve to be alive, and I certainly don't deserve to have a family or friends who love me.

And, that's about all. I just wanted to get it all out really.



  1. I'm glad you had a chance to get it out. That in itself can be therapuetic. I think first admitting the problem can hellp start with the healing. You notice these things make you hate yourself, maybe you can change them. I must say that I relate to many of them. I wish I had something I could say to help. Just know that I'm here to listen and I care. Feel better. xx

  2. i feel the same way, if my friends and i never talked to them i would probably be just fine. ha stay strong