Thursday, 13 January 2011

Exams over...

Final exam out of time. But, I'm FREE for a while.
Pretty eventful day, so I thought I would post it!!

This morning, I was wearing a hoody, and my dad said it looked too small for me. It was a size 10. I'm usually a size 8. Actually, you know what, I tried on some jeans from Topshop the other day, which were a size 8, and I couldn't do them up. Oh my god. I'm more of a fat bitch than I thought.

I have been eating a bit, and not purging, because I wanted to do well in my exams... so I am at 55kg at the moment. But, today, I have eaten half a portion of lasagne. I did not eat the cheese sauce, or the top layer of pasta. So, I'm estimating around the 400 calorie mark. I have not purged. I feel disgusting.

I have smoked like a trooper. I'm supposed to be using it to help suppress my appetite, otherwise it is a waste of money - right?!

Now that exams are over, it is time for me to stop this silly 'eating' business. I ordered some yummy laxatives online tonight...ebay can no longer sell them for some shitty European reason, I believe.

Also, we watched this Fish Fight campaign programme on TV tonight, and I declared that I may be going veggie because of it - we all agree in my family that the meat and fish industries are ridiculous - so there's fewer calories. Meat is so high in calories and fat and saturated fat and grossness. So, this is good!

I would really like to be 45kg, and hopefully un-bloated by Sunday. I don't have to eat anything on Saturday, because I'm out all day and overnight at a PARTYYY! Dunno what to wear to compliment my FAT BODY.

When I walk, my legs wobble. I noticed today. It's vile. I also noticed how much fatter I am than my sister. I actually refuse to go out anywhere with her, since I have noticed the difference between us.

It is getting to the point now, where I do not see the point in being alive. If I do badly in my A Levels, then I don't even have my brain to give me a reason. I don't mean to sound suicidal and depressing, but I seem to watch the world pass me by. I have no influence. I have no significance. I feel like a slave, a conformist to society. I want to be significant, noticed perhaps. I just want to be something. Do something. Go somewhere. Maybe, have a life. There must be more to life than working hard. I work hard to get the grades I want, and restrict myself so that I will eventually have the figure I want. I have barely any social life. I am attractive to NO boys...the ones that find me attractive turn out to be dicks. The world is empty for me. I provide nothing to the world, and in return it provides nothing for me.
This is all getting too deep.

I brought an exercise DVD, a dancing one, looks like fun. I'll do that tomorrow, after my driving lesson. I'll also do a 2 mile walk, and if I have to eat, then I'll be back on to the joys of purging. So, is'all good.

No excuses not to be skinny now, because no exams until May/June/July.

March 10th = results day (and possible booking of retakes for exams :/ )

Skins comes back soon, but the new characters look shit, too straight edge for my liking. Looks like I'll be catching up with the old series tomorrow...Series 1 & 2 (Chris, Maxxie, and Sid...NOM!)

Sorry about the length!

Stay strong  (I hope I do)!! xx

1 comment:

  1. I hope you did well on your exams. Just be glad they're over!
    Don't stress too much over your weight. You can lose it. I think it might help to give yourself a little more time to lose that much weight. 10 kg is a lot in such a short time. Try spacing it out a little. I don't know. Maybe that won't help you but I find setting short term and long term goals works best for me. Good luck on your weight loss! =)