Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Love, sex & insecurities...

I think I love him, but I'm not sure whether I am just with him to hear the words "I love you" and to feel wanted. I can see what effect he is having on my education - we are skipping college A LOT - and how bad he makes me feel.
I told my friends about what he said about my weight, and they told me I was out of his league anyway, so I had to be confident about my weight because I'm too good for him. So, I figured that if I act confident he'll stop picking on me for his own insecurities or whatever.
Seeing this, I feel really mean. I just don't know how I feel. I know that when I'm at his house I have to eat like nothing, which is brilliant!

I hate sex, so much. I feel hideously fat. When I'm on top and even I can see the cellulite and fat on my thighs. Hideously disgusting. And I feel bad when I say "I'm tired" or whatever - but I use it as much as I can. I just have no desire for sex.

I hate how I look. I feel fat all the time. My thighs wobble, my arms wobble and everything else too (but thighs and arms the most). I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate sleeping naked. I hate showering. I hate having sex. I hate being this fucking fat. I have lost one more inch of each thigh - WTF? Why only one? Why not three, and then I could be beautiful - or at least getting there?
I don't know what I fucking weigh, I haven't seen my scales in ages... I think Mum has thrown them out, and I can't exactly ask her.

On the plus side, it's Christmas soon.... What a joke! Christmas food. Great. I'm seeing James on Boxing Day - and if I eat too much I'm going to bloat like a balloon. Disgusting. He better not want sex.

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