Life review..

This is going to be a bit of a moany-annoying-rant...so if you can't be arsed, then I'm forewarning you (haha)!!

I have been assessing myself today, and I realised what I am:

1.  I do not love anyone, well I do have like love, but nothing overwhelming, like I could take it or leave it. I say I love people, but I think it's just that I like being around them and/or would help them out if they needed it.
What I mean is, that I would much rather be alone than near anyone. I feel somewhat resentment towards other people, because they're happier than I am, and I think this is why.
I really do disgust myself.

2.  I do not feel guilty about anything I do. I lie, repeatedly, steal from my parents (not money or anything big, just fags). I have noticed it, but I just don't feel any sort of guilt or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. My AS Psychology suggests this is 'affectionless psychopathy' ... but I don't think that I was deprived as a child, so this can't really be so. I just think I'm an awful person.

3.  I do not care about myself. I do things to be socially acceptable, which does contradict point 1, but I don't mean it to.

4.  I do not want to be anything in life, I am just doing this whole lot of shit to make my family proud. I just, honestly, would rather die and be done with life...or go live on a mountain somewhere! I hate the idea of being a slave for the fucking government.

5.  This is my relapse, and I have lost like no weight this time round. If you saw me, you would not believe I ever had an ED, and that disgusts me. So much.

6.  All of my friends love me, and want me to go out with them more. But, honestly, I could really just never speak to them again, and not care. That is really awful.

All of these things, and I know that there's more, but these are the main ones, make me hate myself. The one that pisses me off the most, is that I am incapable of loving people, and I don't know why. I have no reason to be this way, no-one has ever hurt me that badly, and I've always been loved. It makes me feel awful, because I'm lucky, a lot of people do not have this advantage, and I don't even know what to do with it. I don't deserve to be alive, and I certainly don't deserve to have a family or friends who love me.

And, that's about all. I just wanted to get it all out really.

/staystrongxx

Made me feel good-ish...

I found some good internet site which made me kind of feel a bit better about myself, after my dad called me fat arse tonight.

It tells you how much celebrities weigh, and how tall they are. Some of these celebs who are quite skinny have the same BMI as me, which makes me feel gooood. But, they're much more toned. I'm working on it... ;P

Here's the link, if you want it!!

http://www.bricksandstonesgossip.com/2010/02/17/how-much-do-celebrities-weigh

Staystronggxx

Keep calm and carry on.

Bought a new poster, it's a 'Keep calm and carry on' one. I have it in my room. It gives me th-inspiration!!

Thank you for all the comments yesterday :D They're very much appreciated!

(by the way, Nick Clegg is our Deputy Prime Minister, but he is a Liberal Democrat, whilst the Prime Minister is Conservative, because we have a coalition government! He pretty much just abandoned all of their policies, rather than compromising them with the Conservatives!)

I'm not eating today. I'll keep looking at thinspo and busying myself, which will work because I have A LOT of homework to do. So, its'all good!

Staystronggg xx

Why do I have to be such a fucking perfectionist?

Argh. Thanks a lot the Guardian newspaper for ruining my life.

Since I was 7/8 years old, I have wanted to be a lawyer, and study law at Oxford University. Last year, when the A* at A Level was introduced Oxford were sticking to their guns about not accepting it, because it gave an 'unfair advantage to private school students'. Well, thanks very much you bastards. Just like Nick Clegg, you have gone back on your word, and you have begun ruining my dreams. I don't think that I'll be able to get A*AA; whilst AAA was achievable, with much difficulty. They also expect extra-curricular activities of you - so this means being on the Student Union, doing the Debating Society, I also do Clay Pigeon Shooting; and am thinking about starting rugby again. Fuck my life. I'll just break down before I apply. Which reminds me, I have to apply in fucking september, and then do my fucking LNAT test, which you can't really revise for. I'm fucked.
If I wasn't such a perfectionist... Well, I'm not actually. You don't get accepted into the Bar, unless you have at least a 2:1, and they much prefer a 1st at university.
You don't get anything good in this fucking country unless you're perfect. So, this is what I must be - perfect. In every way, shape and form. PERFECT.

By the way, no binges starting tomorrow, no purging either. I need more fags, so I'm going to go for a walk in a bit, burn off some calories. But, I don't want to go out looking like a pig... ah well, it's dark. It'll do me good. Might go for a run tomorrow. That would be nice. Hope it's not too cold. Ew, what if my leg fat shakes. I'll wear baggy tracky's. Fat bitch.

These are such ramblings, but I just need to complain. Everyone keeps telling me I can do it...but my fucking head is about to explode...especially with my need to lose weight. It's a complete head-fuck.

Urgh..binge.

So, after like 3/4 days binge and purge free, guess what happens?
I binge:
70g pate
40g branston pickle
4x savoury crackers
1/2x kit kat
3x starbursts
2x hot chocolate
1/2 tin of rice pudding
2x spoons of jam

I don't even know why, that stuff was not working together. I was just soo hungry. I'm disgusting. I'm supposed to go for a walk later, but I can't leave the house in this state.

<strike>No more food.</strike>

Stay strong x

Doing good...

I have stopped purging now, for 2 days!!

It's going well...I seem to be resisting the binge ok. Don't wanna jinx it though..so this is all I'm saying!!

Lots of love, and stay strong!! xx

OMG

I know I already posted this evening, but I just found out that bulimia actually slows down your metabolism...I'll copy and paste it..

"Well first of all. I am glad u cannot self induce anymore!! And why all of the lol's??" this really isnt a funny subject.. . U do not understand what u are getting into no matter what u think. I am in recovery right now. .Bulimia is hell.. It is a disease! It makes ur life hell. . You think u will lose weight from it? Well u wont. .Bulimia actually slows down your metabolism and makes u gain weight. .Not lose it.. And u will have heart problems.. Bad teeth. .The list goes on. "


"Vomiting does not make you lose weight. It rids yourself of the food but the nutrients and fats in the food have already been absorbed into your body so vomiting really does little. You could burn more calories walking across the room than vomiting."
 

If you're wondering what it was a reply to, it was this girl on a forum who can't purge anymore (I have been searching for solutions online).
I'm quite concerned. I thought that it was going to work. Since I am tearing my throat up, and probably not going to be able to lose any fucking weight from it, I think that this means that it will be very very little or no food from now on. Like the old days, bad times. But, I did lose a kg a week! I ate like under 100 calories a day, and did a binge (under 1000 calories) and laxatives on a saturday. 


I'm happy, I don't like purging. I do like to be able to eat though...


I also just found this:

Purging does NOT prevent weight gain

Purging isn’t effective at getting rid of calories, which is why most people suffering with bulimia end up gaining weight over time. Vomiting immediately after eating will only eliminate 50% of the calories consumed at best—and usually much less. This is because calorie absorption begins the moment you put food in the mouth. Laxatives and diuretics are even less effective. Laxatives get rid of only 10% of the calories eaten, and diuretics do nothing at all. You may weigh less after taking them, but that lower number on the scale is due to water loss, not true weight loss.

Right now, I feel like crying. 

I need to stop purging, and stop eating. Now.

Stay strong, much love xx

Purge not working...:Z

Right, so I have been trying to purge for almost an hour now. Toothbrush and fingers. I have about half up of what I've eaten. Calorie content, not quite sure...but this is what it is. I made pasta.

Altogether, it was 400g pasta (270 calories per 75g), 200g ricotta cheese (32 calories per 30g serving), 10 asparagus speers (26 calories per 100g), 1 onion (20 calories per 100g), 2 handfuls of spinach (16 calories per 100g), 3 handfuls mushrooms (30 calories per 100g), garlic and seasoning, vegetable stock cube (10 calories).

I had about 100g of pasta, 1/4 of the thing. But, I ate about 4/6ths of it. So, that's 66g of pasta, 122g cheese, 2 asparagus speers, you know the rest. I have managed to throw up about half. So, thats 33g pasta, 66g cheese. Approximately, 240 calories. Disgusting. But, I was 51kg today. Good times. Wish I was 45...

I'm going now..Hopefully the shower will help me. My throat hurts though, I need to stop doing this shit with a toothbrush.

Stay strong..xx

EYESS BURNING!

I just purged and my eyes and nose are burning...but not my throat, which is weird. Also, my hands are shaking, A LOT, and have been all day. I never ate anything until 4pm, and then purged, and then ate dinner at 5.30pm, and purged. I can taste bile really bad in my throat, and I need a drink, but I can't be fucked to move. Also, I can't go downstairs until my eyes are less bloodshot, otherwise they'll know...

I need to finish my English Literature essay, and start my History exam questions.

Good times...on Sunday I shall be going Clay Pigeon Shooooootinngggg again, and then going for a nice long walk, smoke and chat with my friendddd, which should be nice, if it isn't too cold. Ah well, it's exercise.

Anyway, homework time now, I guess. Lots of love, stay strong xx

Weigh-in...

Yes...53kg again. I am so glad that it was probably bloatey-bingey weight that I was carrying around on my fat-ass!! By Sunday, I hope to have lost 1 more kg - get me down to 52kg again. Then, by next week, I will hopefully be 51kg.

Today, I had a couple of binges, but I purged after them all. I have started using a toothbrush, which works soo much better. It hurts like hell, but it is effective. I could taste bile though, which made me feel ill, and it gives me a headache...but I don't care all that much. I think that I accidentally purged my laxatives as well - what a waste of good money!! But, I took some more. My tummy hurts!!

I walked 2.6 miles today, and did my dancer-size DVD :) I love that DVD, but I'm not very good at it, I'm no dancer!!! I have drank 9 glasses of water, a 2 litre bottle of Diet Coke, and 2 Fruit Shoot H20's (they're so good - at 3 calories each!!!)...so my liquid intake is gooood!!

Stay strong xx

-.-

Starting the post with a MASSIVE thank you to 'unbeautiful', your comments always motivate me!

After stopping the purging for a few days, I have managed to repair my glands (or whatever) and I am now ok. I wasn't able to purge that well before, I think my throat was ill!! But, now it's cool. All in working order. I can't believe how enthusiastic I am about this...

No binges this week, as of yet. None planned either.

So, I found this hot chocolate, which is 33 calories a cup. Well, it's malt chocolate horlicks. But, the serving size is 11g. I put 4 grams in, so it is much less than 33 calories, and it removes my chocolate cravings.

Today, I have eaten Rabbit stew - which was mostly vegetables (purged) and a bite of an apple (not purged.. :( ), and had one of my nice hot chocolates. So, low-ish calorie intake, which is a success. I also walked 2.6 miles, and done 100 crunches. Haven't had the chance to weigh myself yet, but will do tomorrow - I will also do my workout dancey DVD again. Let's hope that my 56 fucking kilograms was bloat... -.-

I thought about my ex quite a bit today. It's sad, but everytime I see a red car, I think it is him. I don't know why. It annoys me...I need a boyfriend. I don't think I miss him, I just miss being with somebody. It will be difficult to find someone who appreciates me, and cares, and makes me feel good about myself, won't it?!!
Apart from that, that is pretty much all I have to say today. Stay strong xx

Horribleee

Today has been honestly awful. For many reasons:

1. Last night, I woke up to hear my parents arguing really loudly. I heard my dad saying things like, "if you don't love me, then let's end it." But, this morning, I woke to find that they had slept in the same bed. So, they may have resolved it.
Turns out that my mum was watching Dancing on Ice on my dad's computer, and he hates it when she doesn't sit with him on an eveing (this is because it is the only time that they spend together), so he threw his (brand new) laptop out the back door. It's smashed to pieces.

Also, my dad had drunk quite a lot. It worries me that he is turning into a violent drunk like this. It could get worse, if you get what I mean.

2. I had a weekend binge, and then a serious laxative and water detox yesterday (I'm doing it until Friday - if I can), but I weigh 56kg again. I'm not joking, but I ate so much that I'm not suprised. On Saturday night, I calculated my calorie intake, and it was 3000 almost. How disgusting. Seriously...it's fucked up.

3. My sister is skinny. I'm not. It's like a competition, which I really don't like.

4. I'm not skinny.

5. I'm fat.

6. I found out that to become a Barrister (well, to be entered into the bar) I have to get a 1st at Uni. That;s the best fucking grade. They rarely take anyone with a 2:1 (which is the next one down for those who don't know).
So, pressure is ON!
I also found out that the best University's for law in Britain (i.e. the ones who will charge the most on the NEW FUCKING UNCAPPED TUITION FUCKING FEES) are asking for all A's at A Level - that is what I have been predicted, but getting it is another question.

PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE.


7. I saw my friend's boyfriend kissing this other girl at college (my friend left a while ago, so she won't know about this) and it isn't the first time he has cheated on her there. We had to tell her the last time, and she was very upset. I will have to tell her again, and I hate seeing her face when these things happen. She shouldn't be with him. He's a dick, and she doesn't deserve that.


To add to ALL of this, there's this really good looking lad at college, who I see like every Monday at the train station, but I'm too scared to speak to him. I think I might ask him if I can borrow a lighter or something. Maybe I won't, actually, might be too embarrassed to speak to a fat fuck like me.

Sorry again, about this long post. I always have so much to say. I hope everyone is ok :) xx

Exams over...

Final exam today...law...ran out of time. But, I'm FREE for a while.
Pretty eventful day, so I thought I would post it!!

This morning, I was wearing a hoody, and my dad said it looked too small for me. It was a size 10. I'm usually a size 8. Actually, you know what, I tried on some jeans from Topshop the other day, which were a size 8, and I couldn't do them up. Oh my god. I'm more of a fat bitch than I thought.

I have been eating a bit, and not purging, because I wanted to do well in my exams... so I am at 55kg at the moment. But, today, I have eaten half a portion of lasagne. I did not eat the cheese sauce, or the top layer of pasta. So, I'm estimating around the 400 calorie mark. I have not purged. I feel disgusting.

I have smoked like a trooper. I'm supposed to be using it to help suppress my appetite, otherwise it is a waste of money - right?!

Now that exams are over, it is time for me to stop this silly 'eating' business. I ordered some yummy laxatives online tonight...ebay can no longer sell them for some shitty European reason, I believe.

Also, we watched this Fish Fight campaign programme on TV tonight, and I declared that I may be going veggie because of it - we all agree in my family that the meat and fish industries are ridiculous - so there's fewer calories. Meat is so high in calories and fat and saturated fat and grossness. So, this is good!

I would really like to be 45kg, and hopefully un-bloated by Sunday. I don't have to eat anything on Saturday, because I'm out all day and overnight at a PARTYYY! Dunno what to wear to compliment my FAT BODY.

When I walk, my legs wobble. I noticed today. It's vile. I also noticed how much fatter I am than my sister. I actually refuse to go out anywhere with her, since I have noticed the difference between us.

It is getting to the point now, where I do not see the point in being alive. If I do badly in my A Levels, then I don't even have my brain to give me a reason. I don't mean to sound suicidal and depressing, but I seem to watch the world pass me by. I have no influence. I have no significance. I feel like a slave, a conformist to society. I want to be significant, noticed perhaps. I just want to be something. Do something. Go somewhere. Maybe, have a life. There must be more to life than working hard. I work hard to get the grades I want, and restrict myself so that I will eventually have the figure I want. I have barely any social life. I am attractive to NO boys...the ones that find me attractive turn out to be dicks. The world is empty for me. I provide nothing to the world, and in return it provides nothing for me.
This is all getting too deep.

I brought an exercise DVD, a dancing one, looks like fun. I'll do that tomorrow, after my driving lesson. I'll also do a 2 mile walk, and if I have to eat, then I'll be back on to the joys of purging. So, is'all good.

No excuses not to be skinny now, because no exams until May/June/July.

March 10th = results day (and possible booking of retakes for exams :/ )

Skins comes back soon, but the new characters look shit, too straight edge for my liking. Looks like I'll be catching up with the old series tomorrow...Series 1 & 2 (Chris, Maxxie, and Sid...NOM!)

Sorry about the length!

Stay strong  (I hope I do)!! xx

Update..

It's been a few days, I was trying not to come on here before my exams, because it puts me off my revision too much...

But, there we go. I feel like I have done all the revision I can do, and all that is left to do is some MORE past papers, and MORE going over things I already know. I'm so bored.

But, I'm back at 52kg today. Which is good, because I'm starving..at least I have some reward.

Everything I have eaten has been purged from me, I'm pretty sure I'm addicted, but I don't care!
I feel better afterwards, so it's ok. But, it really fucking hurts when I smoke!! And, it's starting to not work as well, like it takes ten times as long and stuff, and hurts more. I know you're supposed to give yourself a break from it when this happens, but I don't want to.

I haven't eaten anything today, or done any exercise because I have had my head in the books, and I don't plan on keeping any calories in my body.

I'm going out next Saturday evening, so I would like to be 50kg by then. We can live in hope...

I would also like to thank all for the comments, and advice...I appreciate it very much!

I think I am kind of over him now...apart from the fact that I want to be with him, right now! I want to know what went wrong, I want to know why he doesn't like me...I want to know if he will have me back.
I just want to speak to him...see him...just be next to him.
I don't know why I feel like this, I don't love him.. I just really, really miss him.

I need to get out, right now. I need to be thin.
I keep doing this thing where I get my hands, and put them around my waist to see if they touch. They don't touch when I'm bloated, and it makes me sad...it makes me feel sick. When they do touch, it makes me happy... But then I want them to overlap!

I have also been drinking about 10-15 glasses of water a day... I get very thirsty!! But, does anyone else find that water makes their stomach rumble?? It's really annoying me.

*HUFF* I'm going to go do some more revision.... Stay strong all xx

Back on track.

Thank you for all my lovely comments, they really helped me to become binge free today...and I feel so much better for it.

But, I weighed in at 55.5kg today, after my disgusting binge days. I'm paying now...

So, I'm back on track, and I have just eaten dinner, so guess what I get to do after writing this post? Yeahh, purge time...man I hate my life.

My mum cooked tonight, to give me a break, and she made cheese and potato pie (for those who don't know, it consists of mashed potato (with shit loads of butter), cheese (yes, cheddar, ugh), tomatoes, streaky bacon (hi, I'm the size of a whale from all this fat), onions and grated cheese on top. I think that it is a heart attack.
I cannot imagine how many calories are in it, but I'm assuming I had a 400g portion, and I ate like just over a half (and I certainly didn't eat the melted cheese on top, or the bacon). So, I hope I haven't eaten over 500 calories. Even so, it won't be that hard to purge, because it's soft and whatever (yeah, this is a bit graphic).

At least all the christmas food has gone now, well theres shortbread left, but that tastes a bit like blue cheese (I really don't know why), so I won;t be eating that!! And, there's Terry's Chocolate Orange too, but I don't like that either, so it's all good.

Also, a 2.6 mile walk today, plus walking around the town where I go to college, and I went to the study centre thousands of times, so that I had to walk up the three flights of stairs (I wanted as much exercise as possible!!)
And, I'll do my before-sleep crunches as well, and some lunges too.

But, I probs won't be posting much this coming week, because I'm supposed to be revising for my exams (Weds and Thurs).

I need to be 45kg, and now it's even further away than it was before. I hope I'm not actually 55.5kg, I hope it's just that weird bloaty thing I get when I have eaten loads, that goes after like a week of not eating much, and I return to my normal weight. I really do hope. I feel so fat, like my stomach makes me look as though I have kwashiokor. Ugly. Disgusting.

Anyway, time for me to go do my thing now...undisturbed because my parents don't want to bother me whilst I'm revising!!! Score :)

Stay strong x

I wish I could stop thinking about him.

So, yesterday, I binged. Like, seriously binged. Then, I purged. There was no-one at home, so I purged until I was puking bile. But, there was something left, I just felt like there was something left. I went full on into it, so much so that I have this bruise on my hand from it. I've never been that full on before.

And, today, I have binged, but have not been able to purge. So I feel bloated. My estimation is about 1000 calories. I neeeeed to purge. I feel dirty.

I keep crying, and binging...and it's all his fault. Well, it's my fault, for being so disgusting that he doesn't want me anymore.

Seriously, this stops now. If I post tomorrow saying that I have eaten, or generally consumed ANY calories (apart from in Diet Coke or Diet Lemonade or whatever), then give me scurrilous abuse. I'm being serious.

I need to be thin. If I'm not thin, he will never want me back. I want him so badly. I miss him. I smell him. I didn't realise how much I had fallen for him, but everything reminds me of him.
Someone was driving today, and I could smell the oil from their car, and it smelt just like his car did when he was trying to fix it in his garage. And, when I hear someone revving their car, I think it is him. But it's not, because he is in London with some pretty and skinny girl. Not me.

I just keep crying over him. And eating over him. But no. It stops tonight. Yes, fatty, enjoy food whilst you can, because you're getting thin. And, you're going to be binge free for the next year.

I'm so sorry about my emotions, but I need somewhere to write it. And, thank you for the comments by the way, I really appreciate them. x

Fml....

So I was xontemplating whether it not to go out with the boyfriend, yesterday. So, I waited all day for him to contact me, and he never did. He seems fine with me, and then he doesn't text me. I had been so fucking hungry all week for him.

And all day today I ate and cried over him and ate and xried some more.

I dont get it, I didn't realise that I lied him this much. I just miss him...

The most annoying thing is, is that I was sort of over him after I never saw him for weeks, then he gets my hopes up again, to drop me back down to a new low.
I can't go back to him, but I want to.

He would like me if I was thin.

I did purge today, but not everything that I ate. So I can't begin to imagine how many calories I have eaten. More than my weeks worth perhaps! I have eaten so much chocolate and general carbohydrate it is unreal!

I want him back. I want him I like me, he made me feel anted, gave me a goal! I need him back. I wish I wasn't such a failure at everything I so. I'm so sorry about my rant... But I'm disgusting.

Emergency...

Family-boyfriend crisis.

Been excited for seeing bf alllll week, and its today. He hasn't text me a time yet.

See, the thing is, I know exactly how he is messing me about, and that he doesn't like me as mych as I like him, but I still want to be with him.

The problem is, that I let it slip to my parents about all of this, and when I told them that I was seeing him today, well, they went a bit ape shit at me.

My dad has threatened to kill him, and believe me, he is being serious. He said that if he found out that we were back together (because we were off for a bit before christmas) that he'd rip off my head, and end up in prison for what he does to my bf.

I don't think I am going to go. I don't know. Ugh, please help me? xx

I'm so hungry...

I just want to eat everything. Seriously.

But, happy new year.

My calorie intake for yesterday was around 169, never got the chance to purge my dinner. It was soup (1/2 a tin, 84 calories) and bread (no crusts, 85 calories). I had a sip of Barcadi Breezer at the party I went to...but I walked there, which was 30 minutes, and danced a lot. So, I hope to God that I have burnt more than I ate, which I doubt...because I'm a fat bitch.

Boyfriend tomorrow...yay! I have to have dinner with my family, but I'll have an early shower and bed because I'm knackered...so I'll purge it. I love my life -.- (sarcasm)

There's some bloody awfully fatty, doublechin pictures of me on facebook...makes me cry.

Fucksake. Stay strong...I hope I will! xx