I wish I didn't live at home..

My life would be so much easier if I didn't live at home...
There would be no food around me, and if there was food then I could purge without shitting myself every time someone walked upstairs!!

My life would also be so much easier if I didn't look like this...
I would be able to look good in clothes, and have confidence.

My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to actually achieve something in life...
I could have fun whilst I'm young, rather than revising all the time!

But, there we go...life isn't easy, is it?!

I didn't eat all day today, then I got home, saw chocolate and ate it. Then, I purged. I could have just left it... I should have left it. I was so hungry... Ewww, I can't condone that.

CW:    52kg....
UGW: 40kg

Am I ever going to reach my goal? Not at this rate...

I needdddd thinnnn.

Mixed thoughts...all the time.

I keep getting doubts in my head one minute, telling me that I should eat normally and stop purging; but then I get thoughts everytime I look in the mirror, wishing that I could just not be fat.

I know which I should follow...but I don't want to be sane, normal, FAT.

I have my first A Level exam in 14 days, and another in 15. I should be normal...clear my head...but I can't. I'm seeing the boyfriend this weekend. He won't want to fuck a fatty.

I feel like such shit today. I walked 2.6 miles, to town centre and back. And did lots of shopping. A size 8 was too big on me...I was happy about that.

After I purge, I feel completely shitty, like I want to jump off a bridge or something.

I looked in the mirror just now, for quite a while, and I felt like a big, ugly, disgusting, lump of fat. I hate feeling like this. I hate looking like this. I wish that I just didn't exist. I can't even have a drink on New Years Eve, or go out with my friends...because it involves food...it involves calories. And I'm seeing my boyfriend the day after news year day, so I can't risk it.

I'm not hungry, I'm just tired of feeling like this. I really want to go running with my friend, I need to make myself happy with exercise, but I'll probably have a rumbling tummy when I get home and eat the house!

Oh yes, I don't think that I've mentioned that my boyfriend seems interested again. My dad seems to reckon that he had another girl for some time, now he's got bored of her and wants me again (and that I'm too good for him!)
I couldn't care less, he wants me now. WANTS ME! My dad was telling me that I shouldn't go back to him, because he's clearly messing me about, using me, etc. But, I feel wanted when I'm with him, and I like that. I like feeling wanted, I like having an incentive to get thin.
I really like him, well, I think I do. I don't really think about my feelings towards other people. I don't know if I like people, or if I use them....or do we all do that? I seem to notice that people just have friends to get them from A -> B, and only have partners to get children. I don't think that love is a real thing, I think it's more survival, and we only do 'love' and say 'I love you' because that's just our culture.
I don't trust anyone, so how can I love anyone? I can't even trust myself...so if I'm incapable of trusting myself, then how can I EVER trust anyone...how can I EVER love anyone?

Oh Jesus, I'm going too far into this...I'm really sorry about the length of this too...have a lot to say.

Weigh-day tomorrow...so I'll keep you posted. x

Here goes.

So, I took some pictures of myself today...I will post them. I look so fat.

I confess that I have eaten quite a lot today, but also purged a lot too. Yes, I know, I'm not supposed to, but it doesn't feel right if I don't.

I have eaten:  1 after eight, 100g curry (approx), 50g brown rice (approx) and 1/3 mince pie...but purged all. Not fully, I know I didn't fully, but as much as I could without getting caught. People keep on walking up and down the stairs, and it makes me nervous. So nervous. So, exercise, exercise, exercise tomorrow. I'm walking to town, which is 1.1 miles. Then, I'll walk back, and I'll do as much walking up and down the town as possible, to burn the calories.

Then, the day after, I think that I will walk to the train station (1.3 miles) and perhaps go to Worcester for a while, and do some more walking, and then walk home from the train station (1.3 miles). And, when I return eat very, very little, as little as I can get away with.

I used to hide my dinner, but I can't do that anymore. Since my ED got discovered last time, I'm still being watched like a hawk all the time.

Here's my pictures.

Ok, so ater looking at those I feel like absolute shit. There's barely any bone sticking out, and my stomach is all bloated.

Seriously hate feeling like this. I need to do something about it to be honest. No wonder my boyfriend probably has anohter girl in London!! It wouldn't surprise me... I'm disgusting.

I need to be 40kg...I am currently 53kg. I keep yo-yoing all the time. I need to stop being so stupid, and whilst I'm at it lose some fucking weight. I'm disgusting.

I wish I was my sister. She's 45kg, and she never stops eating shit, and she's naturally clever, and my parents like her more (I'm pretty sure, she's never caused them any trouble or anything).
Me, I have to restrict my calorie intake below 100 a day, to lose 4 stone, and I have to revise constantly to get anywhere, and I cause my parents tons of trouble. I'm a disease.


Anyway, I'm going to scream into a pillow now. FML.

Christmas Holiday

Hiya,

Hope you all had a nice christmas.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a serious binge on christmas day, but then restricted seriously on boxing day and today, and plan to for a very long time.

I weighed in at 56kg this morning, I have put on 5kg since the last time I weighed in - which was christmas eve! I am ridiculously disgusted at myself, as you can imagine. So, it's walks, and runs, and restriction for me now..

Also, my boyfriend has been texting me again a lot more but, with the snow, we can't see each other. So, I'll make myself thin, thin, THIN for the next time I do see him.

I don't know why I like him, everyone keeps telling me that he's an idiot, and he's no good...but I just do!

I seem to have lost the desire for food after Christmas. I felt so shit when I weighed myself yesterday. This is good, but I know that once I start eating, I won't stop! So, no more weekend binges. And, less diet coke, because it makes me crave. Just water, and fruit shoot H2O's.

I want to lose 2 inches off my legs by next January 30th. I need to...

Also, my purging came back into full swing on christmas eve.
I must have purged 6 different times, I just kept eating and purging. I don't know why. I felt like I needed to.
But, I don't want to purge anymore, so I'm just going to not eat...that's what I did before. I was never really that much of a purger before, I don't know why I am now. Strange.

Anyway, time to go shopping...x

Down..

I have lost an inch off each leg...

I found a tape measure earlier, so I checked it out, and I've lost an inch off the top of each thigh! The last time I measured was about a month ago!!

Good times :)

I walked to town today, which is just over a mile there, and a mile back. And, did some shopping too, so the cals are burning I hope.

It's christmas soon, I'm gonna be all bloated from the binge. But, I'm hoping that it'll prompt my weightloss when I restrict after :)

We can hope..

Not heard off the boyfriend.. Thanks, think I might kill myself some time soon now...

I don't even get why I like him, I know he's a d*ck... There's just somethingabout him I guess. Who knows?

Anyway, Merry Christmas if I don't post soon (I think I said this like yesterday!!)  :)x

My life sucks!!

Well done me, back into binging, back into purging!!

Boyfriend tells me he still likes me, because I asked him where I stand...yet he doesn't meet up with me! I think this is the 3rd or 4th weekend since I last saw him...which feels great by the way!!

And it's christmas soon, God I hate holiday breaks. Little exercise, lots of food around, cold. No boyfriend to see, exams in January.

Oh great..my life is so annoying. And, we never went out on saturday, because the freak snow decided to bring our area to a halt...and no-one has been gritting the midlands...what the hell is that about? But, I have been walking everywhere...I think I did 70 mins walking in the snow today!! Which compensates for the chocolate I ate yesterday...

Anyway, I'm thinking sleep now, if I can sleep..I've been struggling lately, a lot on my mind I guess!!

Lots of love...merry xmas if I don't post soon xx

Dunnooo

So, I was fairly strong last night, ate nothing but vegetables. And, tonight, I think I'll get away with not eating at all...so this is good, because I'm PARTYING on Saturday!!

Well, I say strong, I've completely given up on the no purging thing. It's not easy.

Also, I'm smoking like 7-9 a day now...I don't actually know how!!!

And, as for the relationship...well I text him last night, and he said he feels the same...

Who knows?!

Anyway, coursework time...:)xx

Bad times..

Ok, so first of all...I said I would stop purging, but I binged, so inevitably...it happened!

I don't care, I've had a sh*tty two weeks...I haven't seen my boyfriend, and he's kinda stopped texting me...so this has been fun.

I don't know if I'm being insecure,  but it's hardly a good sign..

So..party on on Saturday night, when I'm going to make an attempt to get into clubs in Worcester haha!! I never went last week, due to having mock exams tomorrow, which to be honest I should be studying for right now...but I actually haven't stopped all weekend, so it's all good I hope!!

I'm really angry at myself though, because of my boyfriend!!


My CW is still 51kg, wait was it 51 last time...last time I wrote on here was too long ago to remember, sorry! It was 51 last time I checked, so basically I have stayed still...which is not good.

Also, with Christmas coming up...and my parents taking time off work...I'll be being watched. I'd go out a lot, but I'd rather not f*ck up my exams in January, as much as I want to lose weight and all, I want a career so much more than that. Also, if I get into Uni (and have to now pay £9'000 a year...thanks for that tw*ts!!), I won't have to eat like anything...in fact, I could live on blue ribbands...a blue ribband a day, 99 calories a day...I love blue ribbands!! :)

Seriously, though, I heard a good joke the other day...made me laugh a bit:
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
Because he promised not to ;)

Damn, he's such a traitor...if I were old enough, I would have voted LibDem as well...

But, politics is not why I'm here ;)

Anywho, I'm going to do some sit-ups now, and knock off this flabbbbbbbb!! :)x

I hate to be really annoying...

...but I text him tonight, and he still hasn't text me back. Rejected.

To be honest, after reading how annoyingly needy I am, I wouldn't wanna be with me either.

This seems to be turning into a relationship blog!! But, he is a big part of my life, and he makes me feel worse.

This isn't good...I'm so lame that I made a pro's and con's list...and there were more con's...but the pro's list was better anyway!!!

Damn.it.

Anyway, my stats haven't improved.
CW: 51kg.
GW: 40kg.

Waiting it out...

So, guess who still hasn't text me? I'm waiting it out now...like I think I said, if he doesn't text me by tomorrow, then I'll text him. Actually FML!!

Stats:
Height: 172cm
HW:72kg
LW: 50kg
CW: 51kg
BMI: 17.2

So, I'm down in weight...which is weird because I have eaten quite a lot over the weekend.
In fact, I ate that much that on Sunday night, I was sick in the night...through no force of my own...so that was good!

I don't know what to do...I think I'm just going to go clubbing.

Also, I've decided, no more purging. From now on, I'm just not eating...I hate having to purge, it's gross.

Be safe..x

What have I done???

So, I basically haven't seen my bf since LAST SUNDAY! He text me saying that he was busy all weekend, so he wouldn't be able to see me...but he went out with his friends.

I'm wondering though, because on facebook, his friends weren't out with their girlfriends either..but they've been together much longer than us. Not seeing him for this long is horrible. I'm pretty sure he's going off me. Probably because I'm so fat, seriously, his ex-gf's...I've probably said before...but they are amazingly thin. It pisses me off, so much. I'm nothing like them, or any of his friends' girlfriends. They're all so plastic, thin, pretty. I'll never be like them. None of them ever talk to me when we're out either, I really don't fit in.
This is probably the list of reasons why he is going off me.

My friends agree too, they think I should wait for him to text me, and if he doesn't then I should text him - like on Thursday - and ask him if we should do something this weekend.

I don't get what changed, it was all so sudden. Like, last sunday he seemed fine with me. I don't get it. He confuses me so much..but I really like him. And, he told me that he liked me. He obviously feels different now -.-

I think I'm going to go clubbing on Saturday...let's hope I get in...I really don't look that year older that I need to!!!

I know what I need:   confidence, self-security and skinnyyyyyy-ness.

Oh, and I need a boyfriend who likes me as much as I like him.

Maybe he's pissed off because I cancelled on him of friday - to be fair, he knew he couldn't come round here, we have builders in...

Ughhhh, I'm such a f*ck-up!

Wow...terrible day.

So, my boyfriend never asked me if I wanted to do anything this weekend, and he hasn't replied to the text I sent him over an hour ago. I'm pretty sure he takes his phone everywhere with him...maybe he is with some prettier, skinnier girl? OMG....seriously, what if he is?

I knew he was too good to be true. Seriously, is there actually any point in trying to have a decent life?

I never have anything good like him happen to me, and here it goes...

...I actually manage to ruin everything I touch.

FML

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is going off me. I'm such a stupid, fat b*tch. He just doesn't seem interested when he's texting me. He usually tells me that he can't wait to see me on the weekend by wednesday...and he hasn't tonight. He put kisses, but I'm scared now...

FML....seriously, I'm such a clingy, annoying d*ck, no wonder he doesn't like me.

Bad day...again!!

Oh my God, I just ate some pork scratchings..I don't know why. I looked at their calorie content just, and they're 680cals per 100g. What the sh*t was I thinking???

I'm certainly not as strong as I used to be.

I'm pretty sure my mom has realised that something is wrong again. There's not mom...not nearly enough yet!!

So, I text my boyfriend like half an hour ago, and I know he is home by now, but he hasn't text me back. I am actually really upset right now, for multiple reasons!


I am going shopping tomorrow, so this will be fun, as per!! In Primark too, I always find that I am a size bigger in Primark, so this could all end in tears!! Let's be honest, it will :(

I weighed myself before eating that crap, I was 52kg, so I have lost a kg, but it was before I ate, so I don't like to think it counts. And, I have only done 35mins walking today, because I got a lift home from college.

I'm really pissed off that I ate, because I'm spending soooo much money on fags and various other appetite suppressants, and I am completely ignoring them. I'm trying not to purge as well, I think I kind of deserve it though, and will have to. So, this should be fun.


And, I don't think I'll be able to see my boyfriend this weekend:
a) because he isn't texting me back
b) I'm so fat, I don't want to embarrass myself
c) it's snowing quite badly, so he might not be able to drive to me


FML...I really wish that I was skinnier.

First day blogging:)

Hi there,

I'm new to this, obviously!!!

So, basically, I will give you some background information before anything else.

I had an ED last year, from Autumn-time, until January. Then, I got found out when I reached 50kg, and had to recover. Now, I have a new boyfriend, whose ex-girlfriends are all so pretty and skinny, and it's quite difficult to match up to them. So, here comes the relapse... but, I'm not bothered. I feel as though this is me, this is who I am meant to be. An ED gives me a goal in life, something to aim for. By the way, I'm on prettythin, so if anyone wants to contact me on there, then please say! So, here are my stats:

Height: 172cm
HW: 72kg
LW: 50kg
CW: 53kg
GW: 45kg
UGW: 40kg (let's hope less!!)
BMI: 17.9


Seriously, need to lose weight. I see my boyfriend once or twice a week, on weekends, because he works away. So, if I lose a kg per week I should be looking skinnier for him every time he sees me. I'm scared that he'll look elsewhere if I am fat.

The other day he told me that he would carry me, and I told him that I'd be too heavy, and he replied by looking at me with disbelief and saying "I don't think so!". That made me happy, but then I realised that he was probably thinking that he should keep me sweet, so that I would f*ck him.

By the way, we haven't actually done anything like that yet. He says he wants to take things slowly, probably because I am too fat at the moment for him to even look at naked, let alone touch. Seriously, it makes me want to cry!

I realise that this really f*cks up your perceptions of things, making my opinions unreliable to like everyone!! Just like in 'Rebecca', I don't know if you've read it, but everything she says seems to be unreliable. She sort of exaggerates everything, I'm pretty sure she was bipolar! But, yeah, I feel like her sometimes. Always trying to fit in, feeling sh*t, reading too much into things...etc. (I am relating myself to a fictional character...from the 1900s. I'm sorry!)

Still...I will make him want me. I will make sure that he's not too embarrassed to take me out.


He's worth it...