Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Mixed thoughts...all the time.

I keep getting doubts in my head one minute, telling me that I should eat normally and stop purging; but then I get thoughts everytime I look in the mirror, wishing that I could just not be fat.

I know which I should follow...but I don't want to be sane, normal, FAT.

I have my first A Level exam in 14 days, and another in 15. I should be normal...clear my head...but I can't. I'm seeing the boyfriend this weekend. He won't want to fuck a fatty.

I feel like such shit today. I walked 2.6 miles, to town centre and back. And did lots of shopping. A size 8 was too big on me...I was happy about that.

After I purge, I feel completely shitty, like I want to jump off a bridge or something.

I looked in the mirror just now, for quite a while, and I felt like a big, ugly, disgusting, lump of fat. I hate feeling like this. I hate looking like this. I wish that I just didn't exist. I can't even have a drink on New Years Eve, or go out with my friends...because it involves involves calories. And I'm seeing my boyfriend the day after news year day, so I can't risk it.

I'm not hungry, I'm just tired of feeling like this. I really want to go running with my friend, I need to make myself happy with exercise, but I'll probably have a rumbling tummy when I get home and eat the house!

Oh yes, I don't think that I've mentioned that my boyfriend seems interested again. My dad seems to reckon that he had another girl for some time, now he's got bored of her and wants me again (and that I'm too good for him!)
I couldn't care less, he wants me now. WANTS ME! My dad was telling me that I shouldn't go back to him, because he's clearly messing me about, using me, etc. But, I feel wanted when I'm with him, and I like that. I like feeling wanted, I like having an incentive to get thin.
I really like him, well, I think I do. I don't really think about my feelings towards other people. I don't know if I like people, or if I use them....or do we all do that? I seem to notice that people just have friends to get them from A -> B, and only have partners to get children. I don't think that love is a real thing, I think it's more survival, and we only do 'love' and say 'I love you' because that's just our culture.
I don't trust anyone, so how can I love anyone? I can't even trust if I'm incapable of trusting myself, then how can I EVER trust can I EVER love anyone?

Oh Jesus, I'm going too far into this...I'm really sorry about the length of this too...have a lot to say.

Weigh-day I'll keep you posted. x

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