I got ridiculously depressed last night. I binged... then I purged. I AM A FAILURE.
I would give absolutely anything to look like these girls... I'm just too weak to get there.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Monday, 19 September 2011
I'm moving.
I have decided to move house... I might go live with my Nan. She would only charge me £30 a week board, and I could get a job at a restaurant up the road.
This is because I was walking to college today, and I saw him. He fucking looked at me and gave me such a cocky smile, as if he was saying "there's fuck all you can do about it". He makes me feel sick. He shouldn't be walking around on the streets, a free man. He's a vile thing, he's not even human.
But, anyway, this isn't a blog about criminals, even though it appears to be getting that way!
I'd like to thank everyone for their supportive comments, I really appreciate them! Thank you so much :)
I'll be moving out soon, I reckon, but this means that my Nan will aim to 'fatten me up' - she buys loads of sweets. And, I don't think she'll buy me veggie stuff - so I'll have to buy my own food (but this means I control what I'm eating).
That's about all for today... Hope everyone is ok xx
This is because I was walking to college today, and I saw him. He fucking looked at me and gave me such a cocky smile, as if he was saying "there's fuck all you can do about it". He makes me feel sick. He shouldn't be walking around on the streets, a free man. He's a vile thing, he's not even human.
But, anyway, this isn't a blog about criminals, even though it appears to be getting that way!
I'd like to thank everyone for their supportive comments, I really appreciate them! Thank you so much :)
I'll be moving out soon, I reckon, but this means that my Nan will aim to 'fatten me up' - she buys loads of sweets. And, I don't think she'll buy me veggie stuff - so I'll have to buy my own food (but this means I control what I'm eating).
That's about all for today... Hope everyone is ok xx
Saturday, 17 September 2011
I'm depressed.
I'm back at college, and work already seems more difficult. In Law this year, we are only doing Criminal Law. Last year, my teacher said that we would be doing one paper on Criminal Law and the other on Tort, but NO! We're doing two papers on Criminal, which is much fucking harder than Tort. So that really sucks.
The Police have spoken to the person, and he has made me out to sound like a child, who is only pressing charges because people told me to (which is half true, because I just wanted to forget it ever happened). So FUCK THE POLICE - I'm taking action through the Civil courts (I know Solicitors from my Work Experience, so hopefully they will help me out).
I broke down in tears in front of my friend the other day (I thought that I had seen one of the boys who did it). I just couldn't control myself. He just hugged me really tightly, and told me that everything was going to be ok, because he was there for me.
Nothing is ok.
Everything is bad.
I'm scared of everyone. I'm scared of everything.
I used to love being in situations that were dangerous, it made me feel alive. Now, I can't walk out of my house without feeling like I am going to be attacked again.
The Police won't do anything. The main boy who did it has a Father who knows people. I found this out the other day. They have connections with the Police in their line of business.
I can't really eat, which is a good thing. I just feel NOT hungry. I feel sad, and alone, and scared, and angry and depressed. I can't do my work. I can't concentrate. I want to leave, get away, and never come back. Never have to think that I'm seeing their faces anywhere. But I will see them. Everyone I see looks something like them.
England is shit, one looks at the legal system, and thinks "yeah, it's really good, in theory one can always get justice". Then, when you're involved with the Police, you then realise that it's not ok, and justice will never be received. It goes against everything I've ever thought and believed about the English legal system.. and to think I want to be a Lawyer! This country disgusts me. It really does. It's so corrupt.
I'm back at college, and work already seems more difficult. In Law this year, we are only doing Criminal Law. Last year, my teacher said that we would be doing one paper on Criminal Law and the other on Tort, but NO! We're doing two papers on Criminal, which is much fucking harder than Tort. So that really sucks.
The Police have spoken to the person, and he has made me out to sound like a child, who is only pressing charges because people told me to (which is half true, because I just wanted to forget it ever happened). So FUCK THE POLICE - I'm taking action through the Civil courts (I know Solicitors from my Work Experience, so hopefully they will help me out).
I broke down in tears in front of my friend the other day (I thought that I had seen one of the boys who did it). I just couldn't control myself. He just hugged me really tightly, and told me that everything was going to be ok, because he was there for me.
Nothing is ok.
Everything is bad.
I'm scared of everyone. I'm scared of everything.
I used to love being in situations that were dangerous, it made me feel alive. Now, I can't walk out of my house without feeling like I am going to be attacked again.
The Police won't do anything. The main boy who did it has a Father who knows people. I found this out the other day. They have connections with the Police in their line of business.
I can't really eat, which is a good thing. I just feel NOT hungry. I feel sad, and alone, and scared, and angry and depressed. I can't do my work. I can't concentrate. I want to leave, get away, and never come back. Never have to think that I'm seeing their faces anywhere. But I will see them. Everyone I see looks something like them.
England is shit, one looks at the legal system, and thinks "yeah, it's really good, in theory one can always get justice". Then, when you're involved with the Police, you then realise that it's not ok, and justice will never be received. It goes against everything I've ever thought and believed about the English legal system.. and to think I want to be a Lawyer! This country disgusts me. It really does. It's so corrupt.
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Thinspirational old photos.
My nan, aunty and I about 2-3 years ago - pre ana
I took this just before my ex picked me up - you can see my ribs through my top <3 (an after picture)
Year 8 prom, so aged 13 (I think)
Me in 2008, probably 14 or so. My face is appalling. Being ridiculously fat obviously doesn't suit me!And the above is a picture of me on Xmas eve last year, I like the fact that my legs look slim... but not slim enough!
And on this one (second from the right) my legs look well-bowed :) Love it. Would be much nicer if slimmer though..
And that's all really. My thinspo for today is myself!! And my hideousness.
Saturday, 3 September 2011
Counselling.
The counsellor woman tells me that I'm showing signs of depression, with some slight tendencies to show bipolar behaviour.
Love it. Officially mind fucked.
Lol this explains why I have eaten quite a lot though. Now I know why, I can stop eating again. And no longer be a fatty.
I dunno if I told you but the main guy who I was talking about - we can refer to him as his preferred name (which is Wanker) - persuaded me to drop the charges against him. So, I did. Because I'm scared of him, and what his friends could do to me. And, yes, to avoid the police arresting him that day, I had to lie and say "I didn't perceive it as a sexual assault, it just got out of control and everyone else was telling me to report it." I'm glad Wanker can get over it all... I fucking can't.
Anyway, I hope everyone else is ok.
Love it. Officially mind fucked.
Lol this explains why I have eaten quite a lot though. Now I know why, I can stop eating again. And no longer be a fatty.
I dunno if I told you but the main guy who I was talking about - we can refer to him as his preferred name (which is Wanker) - persuaded me to drop the charges against him. So, I did. Because I'm scared of him, and what his friends could do to me. And, yes, to avoid the police arresting him that day, I had to lie and say "I didn't perceive it as a sexual assault, it just got out of control and everyone else was telling me to report it." I'm glad Wanker can get over it all... I fucking can't.
Anyway, I hope everyone else is ok.
Monday, 29 August 2011
Dropped the charges.
I dropped the charges, and the police haven't arrested anyone, I had to tell them that I was sort of lying. This is because the main guy was texting me and calling me, trying to convince me to drop it. And I listened, like an idiot. So, once again, justice will not be done.
Also, I'm grounded - for going out of the house late at night, to somewhere I shouldn't have been going - indefinitely. So, the immense lack of movement and lack of control over food is REALLY fucking pissing me off. So, as you can imagine, I'm going a little bit crazy, and getting a LOT fat. Nice. Not.
My mum is driving me everywhere, to work, to my appointments. I just wanna be alone. I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, by going somewhere I'm not supposed to be.
It's evil. And when I said that I was going to live with my nan, they replied with, "fine, we'll tell her everything then." And, this would probably kill my nan, her heart is weak and she couldn't do with the stress. That;s a nasty fucking trap to put me in. A very nasty trap.
I know they're trying to keep me safe, but the damage is done, I've had my punishment. I'm going to be 18 in 29 days, so they can't legally keep this up.
Stay safe x
Also, I'm grounded - for going out of the house late at night, to somewhere I shouldn't have been going - indefinitely. So, the immense lack of movement and lack of control over food is REALLY fucking pissing me off. So, as you can imagine, I'm going a little bit crazy, and getting a LOT fat. Nice. Not.
My mum is driving me everywhere, to work, to my appointments. I just wanna be alone. I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice, by going somewhere I'm not supposed to be.
It's evil. And when I said that I was going to live with my nan, they replied with, "fine, we'll tell her everything then." And, this would probably kill my nan, her heart is weak and she couldn't do with the stress. That;s a nasty fucking trap to put me in. A very nasty trap.
I know they're trying to keep me safe, but the damage is done, I've had my punishment. I'm going to be 18 in 29 days, so they can't legally keep this up.
Stay safe x
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
In relation to my previous post..
I went to the sexual health clinic - for those not in England, they offer free sti testing and contraception. The woman advised me that what happened to me was rape, as had a friend.
Thinking over everything, he was really violent and forced me to do stuff I wasn't allowed to say no to.
I won't go in to te details.
The doctor phoned the police, and they've examined me and taken a Written statement. They said it's up to me if I press charges. But, they said I should tell my mum.
The thing is that I don't know whether to proceed with a trial or not. Can I be responsible for ruining someone's life, no matter how much they've hurt me? Would I rather just forget about it, than have a trial continue for months, going over it all again and again? Or should I do this to protect any other people they may repeat this with? How could I possibly deal with the fear of letting people see me, or touch me - I never thought I'd be scared, but the doctor asked me to take off
My robe and wanted to see my vagina, but I was too scared to let him.
To add to it all, they came intoy work on Saturday, and gave me a nasty smile. They had no reason to be there other than for me, they'd never been on before And this made me scared.
So if you have any advice that would en great.
I went to the sexual health clinic - for those not in England, they offer free sti testing and contraception. The woman advised me that what happened to me was rape, as had a friend.
Thinking over everything, he was really violent and forced me to do stuff I wasn't allowed to say no to.
I won't go in to te details.
The doctor phoned the police, and they've examined me and taken a Written statement. They said it's up to me if I press charges. But, they said I should tell my mum.
The thing is that I don't know whether to proceed with a trial or not. Can I be responsible for ruining someone's life, no matter how much they've hurt me? Would I rather just forget about it, than have a trial continue for months, going over it all again and again? Or should I do this to protect any other people they may repeat this with? How could I possibly deal with the fear of letting people see me, or touch me - I never thought I'd be scared, but the doctor asked me to take off
My robe and wanted to see my vagina, but I was too scared to let him.
To add to it all, they came intoy work on Saturday, and gave me a nasty smile. They had no reason to be there other than for me, they'd never been on before And this made me scared.
So if you have any advice that would en great.
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