Tuesday, 29 November 2011
What he likes about me
Last night he listed what he likes about me:
"you're gorgeous
You're good in bed
You're sexy
You have a brilliant bum
You have nice eyes
You have great legs
You have nice boobs
I like your love handles"
The whole list is based on appearance, for one.
Secondly, 'love handles'. Fucking love handles. He knows I'm fucking obsessed with my weight, he has seen my favourites on my computer. He told me I wasn't fat and that he'd tell me if I was... That's him telling me I'm fat, my view on love handles is that you have to be quite fucking large to have them,
He tells me he wants to marry me.. I don't think he does.
"you're gorgeous
You're good in bed
You're sexy
You have a brilliant bum
You have nice eyes
You have great legs
You have nice boobs
I like your love handles"
The whole list is based on appearance, for one.
Secondly, 'love handles'. Fucking love handles. He knows I'm fucking obsessed with my weight, he has seen my favourites on my computer. He told me I wasn't fat and that he'd tell me if I was... That's him telling me I'm fat, my view on love handles is that you have to be quite fucking large to have them,
He tells me he wants to marry me.. I don't think he does.
Friday, 25 November 2011
Day Five
Day Five: Why do you want to lose weight? Are you doing it for you?
I am losing weight for my boyfriend, to give him the girl he wants. Also, to fit into size 6 (UK) jeans, and be happy and confident.
I'm at his house now. We just had dinner, and I had about a handful of these little potato chunks and salad.
Not too many calories, but I can compensate this by eating very,very little for the next week!
I am losing weight for my boyfriend, to give him the girl he wants. Also, to fit into size 6 (UK) jeans, and be happy and confident.
I'm at his house now. We just had dinner, and I had about a handful of these little potato chunks and salad.
Not too many calories, but I can compensate this by eating very,very little for the next week!
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Food.
I have eaten so much this week.
Monday I binged, really badly. Like around 2000 calories, and threw a lot up. Not enough.
Yesterday, I must have eaten around 500 calories - 600.
Today, I have eaten about 300 calories, and thrown quite a bit up, because I couldn't put my hands around my waist. MUST SMOKE AND DRINK MORE.
My boyfriend is back tomorrow, and I'm stopping at his. Fuck. Fatty.
I did a workout this morning, and walked to college, which is around 400-450 calories burnt. Still feel fat. Exercise makes me look like I've lost less weight than when I don't eat anything.
Salad (containing mostly lettuce) for dinner tomorrow, and I'll get one for friday too.
Day Four: Your greatest fear about weight loss
My boyfriend finds out, and falls out of love with me, because I'm not the girl who he thought "didn't care about all that stuff".
Also, rejection letter from Oxford. My dreams are ruined. Fuck.
Monday I binged, really badly. Like around 2000 calories, and threw a lot up. Not enough.
Yesterday, I must have eaten around 500 calories - 600.
Today, I have eaten about 300 calories, and thrown quite a bit up, because I couldn't put my hands around my waist. MUST SMOKE AND DRINK MORE.
My boyfriend is back tomorrow, and I'm stopping at his. Fuck. Fatty.
I did a workout this morning, and walked to college, which is around 400-450 calories burnt. Still feel fat. Exercise makes me look like I've lost less weight than when I don't eat anything.
Salad (containing mostly lettuce) for dinner tomorrow, and I'll get one for friday too.
Day Four: Your greatest fear about weight loss
My boyfriend finds out, and falls out of love with me, because I'm not the girl who he thought "didn't care about all that stuff".
Also, rejection letter from Oxford. My dreams are ruined. Fuck.
Monday, 21 November 2011
Naughty
I thought I'd start making the old blog look more presentable!
Have been eating less than 200 calories for about a week.
Felt shitty this morning and had a binge/purge session. Now I feel ill as fuck.
I won't be seeing my boyfriend until Friday because he has to go on Student Union training :( But this means I can exercise every night and eat like NOTHING and get away with it. Yesss!
He always has a go at me if I haven't eaten anything - but doesn't seem that concerned (let's be honest, it's not as if I'm skinny!)
Though, he did say when stoned the other night, "You're hip bones are digging into my back, you need to eat more, Emma." I was happy.
Also, loving how smoking pot doesn't give me the munchies!
My boyfriend also mentioned the word "rape" when I was stoned, which put me on the path of a whitey. It was horrible. I couldn't stop thinking about it then, and the noises and voices were all really loud in my head.
Oh I love it when weed fucks with your brain.
Day 3: A picture of your thinspiration and the attractive parts of them.
Mary-Kate Olsen. Nuff said.
Her legs look fabulous in this picture. So much love for this girl. She is officially the greatest thinspo EVARRR!
This is my dreaaamm body. Never having to worry about clothing that is too small, because everything will fit your tiny body :D
Have been eating less than 200 calories for about a week.
Felt shitty this morning and had a binge/purge session. Now I feel ill as fuck.
I won't be seeing my boyfriend until Friday because he has to go on Student Union training :( But this means I can exercise every night and eat like NOTHING and get away with it. Yesss!
He always has a go at me if I haven't eaten anything - but doesn't seem that concerned (let's be honest, it's not as if I'm skinny!)
Though, he did say when stoned the other night, "You're hip bones are digging into my back, you need to eat more, Emma." I was happy.
Also, loving how smoking pot doesn't give me the munchies!
My boyfriend also mentioned the word "rape" when I was stoned, which put me on the path of a whitey. It was horrible. I couldn't stop thinking about it then, and the noises and voices were all really loud in my head.
Day 3: A picture of your thinspiration and the attractive parts of them.
Mary-Kate Olsen. Nuff said.
Her legs look fabulous in this picture. So much love for this girl. She is officially the greatest thinspo EVARRR!
This is my dreaaamm body. Never having to worry about clothing that is too small, because everything will fit your tiny body :D
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Does he love me?
He's playing on his new X box game. Always.
He says he loves me, but I can't trust anyone. What's wrong with me?
Eaten under 100 today. Good times.
Gonna have to have sex tomorrow - I'm thinking of the calorie burn. It'll be every day until Sunday, I reckon.
I don't have to eat much at his house,so it's all good really.
Day two
How tall are you: 172cm
Do you like your height?: No, I'd probably be skinnier if I was taller.
He says he loves me, but I can't trust anyone. What's wrong with me?
Eaten under 100 today. Good times.
Gonna have to have sex tomorrow - I'm thinking of the calorie burn. It'll be every day until Sunday, I reckon.
I don't have to eat much at his house,
Day two
How tall are you: 172cm
Do you like your height?: No, I'd probably be skinnier if I was taller.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Ok, so my previous post hasn't said a lot!
Basically, I managed to get away with not eating ANYTHING for two days whilst I was at my boyfriends house. He never noticed until the Saturday morning, when he said, "Emma, I just realised you haven't eaten anything in 2 days, and you haven't said anything, you're not starving yourself are you."
I lied though, I told him that I just forgot about it, that I was too busy loving him to think about food.
He then said, "If you are, talk to me, or just stop because I don't want you to get hurt."
Oh like I don't want you to get hurt by taking some Class A drugs?
Double standards.
His family don't cook much, so they all live off cereal and sandwiches, and I was turning stuff down. Each day, he said that he would cook something for me, and to let him know when I felt hungry. Obviously, I didn't let him know!
However, I'm not stopping, I'm doing this for him anyway.
Thought I'd do the 30 day challenge, cause I have lost weight!!
Day one: stats.
HW: 72kg
LW: 50kg
CW: 55kg
GW: 45kg
UGW: 40kg
My thighs are 3 inches bigger than the Superskinny girl on Supersize v Superskinny. She was 6 stone.. hopefully I'm getting there :/
Basically, I managed to get away with not eating ANYTHING for two days whilst I was at my boyfriends house. He never noticed until the Saturday morning, when he said, "Emma, I just realised you haven't eaten anything in 2 days, and you haven't said anything, you're not starving yourself are you."
I lied though, I told him that I just forgot about it, that I was too busy loving him to think about food.
He then said, "If you are, talk to me, or just stop because I don't want you to get hurt."
Double standards.
His family don't cook much, so they all live off cereal and sandwiches, and I was turning stuff down. Each day, he said that he would cook something for me, and to let him know when I felt hungry. Obviously, I didn't let him know!
However, I'm not stopping, I'm doing this for him anyway.
Thought I'd do the 30 day challenge, cause I have lost weight!!
Day one: stats.
HW: 72kg
LW: 50kg
CW: 55kg
GW: 45kg
UGW: 40kg
My thighs are 3 inches bigger than the Superskinny girl on Supersize v Superskinny. She was 6 stone.. hopefully I'm getting there :/
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Ugh
I hate him seeing me naked now.
I told him I had a bladder infection. So, it was clothes on, and just hugging all night.
I feel so fat.
I told him I had a bladder infection. So, it was clothes on, and just hugging all night.
I feel so fat.
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Intakkkkee
I have eaten about 20 grapes, and a stir fry :)
I made this bad boy stir fry up myself:
Beansprouts (lots of)
Carrot strips
Spinach (lots of)
Mushrooms
It's really low calorie, and tastes goooood :D
So, I think I'm under 100 calories today, and I ate about 1000 calories when I binged yesterday, and never ate anything friday, apart from a salad (which was mostly lettuce) :D
I made this bad boy stir fry up myself:
Beansprouts (lots of)
Carrot strips
Spinach (lots of)
Mushrooms
It's really low calorie, and tastes goooood :D
So, I think I'm under 100 calories today, and I ate about 1000 calories when I binged yesterday, and never ate anything friday, apart from a salad (which was mostly lettuce) :D
Moving in..
Let's put it this way:I may need to move in with my boyfriend - Dad doesn't want me at home anymore.
He said this to me last night, amongst many others, but these are the worst:
- "Why do you not be a bitch to your boyfriend? Because you don't want to show him your true colours?"
- "You're a complete dickhead"
- "You can get a fucking job, and pay for your own train fare, cause I'm not doing it anymore."
- "You only got AAAB at A Level, and because college is your life, you chose a shit one - you could have had 4 A's" (um, Dad, where's you qualifications? Oh yeah, you left school at 14, and because you're a wanker you find it humorous to insult me)
- "I'm not going to do anything to your attackers, I'll let them do what they want with you" (<- Dad? I don't think he is anymore)
Why was this said?
I snapped at Mum, and said it was because I was stressed out with everything that was going on in my life - even though I apologised for it, sincerely, I got this!
Dad has an alcohol problem, so Mum picked up his bottle of Scotch whiskey, and threw it outside in the garden - it smashed!
He doesn't remember it this morning - shame I'll remember it forever. I am refusing to go downstairs, or talk to him.
He's not my Dad anymore.
I've tried to help him, and he doesn't care about anyone other than himself. He always hurts people because of alcohol.
He can pick on my problems as much as he wants, at least my problem has a purpose.
He said this to me last night, amongst many others, but these are the worst:
- "Why do you not be a bitch to your boyfriend? Because you don't want to show him your true colours?"
- "You're a complete dickhead"
- "You can get a fucking job, and pay for your own train fare, cause I'm not doing it anymore."
- "You only got AAAB at A Level, and because college is your life, you chose a shit one - you could have had 4 A's" (um, Dad, where's you qualifications? Oh yeah, you left school at 14, and because you're a wanker you find it humorous to insult me)
- "I'm not going to do anything to your attackers, I'll let them do what they want with you" (<- Dad? I don't think he is anymore)
Why was this said?
I snapped at Mum, and said it was because I was stressed out with everything that was going on in my life - even though I apologised for it, sincerely, I got this!
Dad has an alcohol problem, so Mum picked up his bottle of Scotch whiskey, and threw it outside in the garden - it smashed!
He doesn't remember it this morning - shame I'll remember it forever. I am refusing to go downstairs, or talk to him.
He's not my Dad anymore.
I've tried to help him, and he doesn't care about anyone other than himself. He always hurts people because of alcohol.
He can pick on my problems as much as he wants,
Friday, 4 November 2011
Hate myself.
Every day I love him more and more.
But, I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. How the fuck could he love me?
The other day, he said he wanted to get back into some drugs again, like he used to. He said he was really eager to do LSD again.
I told him a horror story about it. His reply was: "If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. But I'm not going to stop doing all drugs because you don't want me to do them."
He said he didn't mean it in a horrible way, but instead he meant it in a way which means that he wants to enjoy his life more.
He told me he'd do anything for me.
I HAVE ONLY HAD 100 CALORIES TO LAST ME 3 DAYS.
I'M FUCKING STARVING SO THAT I CAN LOOK GOOD FOR HIM. WHY WON'T HE DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?
By not putting himself in the way of harm.
Don't get me wrong, he's sweet and lovely, and I love him with all my heart. But, when he and his friends are talking about getting all these drugs in, it makes me feel sick. I don't know what I'd do without him.
We've agreed that we'll never leave each other. And, the thought of him dying, or getting hurt, makes me ridiculously upset. I want him to be with me forever.
But, I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. How the fuck could he love me?
The other day, he said he wanted to get back into some drugs again, like he used to. He said he was really eager to do LSD again.
I told him a horror story about it. His reply was: "If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. But I'm not going to stop doing all drugs because you don't want me to do them."
He said he didn't mean it in a horrible way, but instead he meant it in a way which means that he wants to enjoy his life more.
He told me he'd do anything for me.
I HAVE ONLY HAD 100 CALORIES TO LAST ME 3 DAYS.
I'M FUCKING STARVING SO THAT I CAN LOOK GOOD FOR HIM. WHY WON'T HE DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?
By not putting himself in the way of harm.
Don't get me wrong, he's sweet and lovely, and I love him with all my heart. But, when he and his friends are talking about getting all these drugs in, it makes me feel sick. I don't know what I'd do without him.
We've agreed that we'll never leave each other. And, the thought of him dying, or getting hurt, makes me ridiculously upset. I want him to be with me forever.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
I just asked him if he thought I was fat.
I haven't eaten in ages. My thighs are now 1 inch thinner.
Here's my approval to get thinner. And, it made me feel like shit... but I did ask.
I asked him if he thought I was fat, and he said:
Here's my approval to get thinner. And, it made me feel like shit... but I did ask.
I asked him if he thought I was fat, and he said:
- Emma ****And, I mean blunt.
- Do you think I'm fat?
- James H********
- Your not fat, but your not thin either. Honestly I like you the way you are, as I say this I'd rather you didn't put extra weight on - but I wouldn't mind if you lost a little. But I love you the way you are now and I'd always love you despite how you look.
- That was me being blunt, you asked for it.
- I hope you don't hate me now
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