What a shit day

Parents just found out that I smoke.

Am currently tipping the scales at 60kg after epic binge since Thursday.

Will be taking large mass of laxatives in a second.

Am exercising shit loads.

Will be 50kg again by the end of this week.

If I make 45kg by the mid-may, I will buy myself some nice clothing :D

I know why I'm eating... boredom. I'm in the house alone. So, I'm going to study at college, because it is open this week. Then I won't be tempted to eat.

I can't believe my parents know. Shit. Reminder for the duture: don't chuck fag butts out of bedroom window, when bedroom window is above the drive. FML

Date tomorrow.

I can't go. I can't can't can't go. I'm not good enough, and I'm too fat.

I don't know what I'll wear...

Last night I just cried about how fat I was. It's so stupid... But I still did it.

I just can't go out with a boy when I look like this.

It's half term now. So, I'm at home all day... No walking to college :(
I've decided, I will run every day - on the evening (on the treadmill, because going out is horrible) - and do my Yogalates of a morning. No more Zumba... my friend cannot afford it anymore, and I don't particularly want to go alone.

On a saddddd note, my friends want to go on holiday to Turkey - they have invited me. They want to drink all the time... and they want me to eat before I drink (shit).
How am I supposed to wear a bikini if I have bloated from eating too much?
I don't want to let them down though.

This is such a shit time to relapse.

I need Oxford... But, I need to be thin. Exercise?

This is going to sound stupid... But does exercise actually make you lose weight? Because I never remember losing any weight when I was fatter before.

Maybe it won't ever make me lose any weight... I have such a bad relationship with food... I either eat nothing or binge eat.

Fuck, before this 'date' tomorrow, I'll have to do a 30 minute run and some Yogalates. And then I'll have my 50 minute walk (I have to get to the train station and back). Hopefully, I'll look skinnier than usual... I said hopefully.

Oh for fuck sake... why can't food be in pill form? Then I can just not take the pill and lose weight.

Stay strong everyone... and please wish me luck with this shit.xx

I never know what to title my blogs

Sorry about the lame excuse for a blog title! I don't know if I mentioned but I wassuppose to be going out on a date this evening..
Well he cancelled because he has a lot of work to do - or that he thought about how fat I am now.
To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm too fat for a boyfriend. How am I supposed to be naked in front of a guy, when I can't bear to even be naked in front of a mirror? (sorry about the grotesque image!) plus, I'm pretty sure that I'm still not over my ex. I don't know but I think I am in love with him still. It's sad, because I didn't want to be. He was a bit of a dick. Like I keep looking through texts and stuff to see where I went wrong, and in my head I go over everything that I ever said or did that put him off me. I know the answer in my heart - he touched me, he felt my fat. That's what did it, I'm sure of it. He was fine until then. Then he stopped contacting me. I'll never ne happy without him - I just know I won't. I need him back. I need to be thin so that he'll Want me back.


Fuck sake. I'm going to be starving all through my exams, and I'm going to fucking fail as a result. Shit. My life is fucked. Shitshitshit.

But anyway, enough self pity for now. Bye bye xx

Oh God, what have I done?

Well, at the start of this week we had a parents evening. My teachers told me that there was no reason why I couldn't get in to an Oxbridge Uni, which is like my DREAMMMM! So, I was thrilled :D

Then I thought, well why would I waste my education on being ill. I don't want to fail because of starvation. :( So, I have been eating ALL week. Cookies, chocolate, ice cream, cakes, doughnuts, sandwiches, etc. Absolute dick. Friday came, and I went into college. When I got there, I brought thousands of calories worth of food. I had 6 bowls of cereal, 2 hot pockets, 1 chicken sandwich, a chocolate bar, a giant cookie, a kebab, chips, sweets, biscuits and crisps. I have not stopped eating shit all week. Why????????????????? I must have totalled about 4000 calories or worse.

I want to pass, but jesus, that was ridiculous.

My weight...59kg. Fuck.my.life.

No more. I'm going on a date in two weeks D:

So, my plan is: revise revise revise. Eat enough to survive - about 200 calories or less per day. If I stick to this until friday, then I can buy these really nice wedges I saw in New Look. And, I can't afford to buy much else, so that's all...the weight loss will reward me. I feel so fat. I need to lose weight off my legs...so it's the running machine every night now (Y) for me.

I need thinspo...so I'm off now. Staystrong xx

Oh God.

I am on my first day of fasting after a 3-day binge :O

I ate around 2000 calories on thursday, 3000 on friday and 1500 yesterday. Today, I have consumed 0. I will be consuming no more - apart from sugar free juice and stuff like that.

I was so disgusted with myself, mostly because I'm 55kg AGAIN! I feel sick.

I'm going to do some yogalates later, and I have zumba tomorrow, and of course my daily 4.6 mile walk. I'm not eating either day. I can't afford to. If I could be 50kg by the end of the week, again, that would be excellent. But, 49kg would be better.

FATFATFATBITCH: how do you gain 5 kg in 3 days?

shit. I'm fat. Oh fuckfuckfuck. What will I wear to college tomorrow? Nothing will fit me -.-

I need to look like my sister. She's so skinny. I'm so fat. fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

My plan: try and hold out a binge until saturday, if I make it until saturday, I won't want to spoil it by binging... therefore I will not binge at all next week.

It ruins everything, a binge does. I don't eat on Tuesday or Wednesday, then Thursday comes and I eat like a horse. Disgusting.

Anyway, I'm going to pity myself now. Staystrongxx

I made it a while...then I binged.

Sorry I haven't been on in a while - again! I have to stay away from home until late, so that I don't have to eat - to put it bluntly.

On Sunday, I hid my meat and my roast potatoes, and I ate my vegetables (so probably over 100 calories, but under 200 calories). I hid most of my dinner on monday, I had no meat, just vegetables, and left loads on the plate. So, I probably had about 100-150 calories (there was a spicy sauce on the vegetables, so you can't be sure really on calories). On Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't eat (Y). Yesterday, I binged (N). I think I consumed about 2,500 calories. I ate and ate and ate until I couldn't move, and I felt food in my throat. I think my stomach has shrunk, because I was full after eating a cookie. That was good, but I didn't listen to my body, I just wanted food.

Also, on Monday I went to a Zumba class, and everyday I walk 2.6 miles. So, I know I'm burning more than I'm eating most of the time.

My only concern is my A Levels. Exams are in less than 2 months, and all I can do is sit on my laptop doing barely anything. I struggle to concentrate on revision. But, it would be weak to stop now. I've only just started. Starting is the hardest part, I don't think I could do it again. I should never have recovered. It's just harder for me now, because I never brought up my calorie intake to a high enough number.

I have no idea what to cook tonight. Something hide-able, and we don't already have in the house, so that I'll have to walk to the supermarket to buy it.

Anyway, stay strong xx

Whoa...weight loss :)

50kg. Yess, I thought I'd reached my plateau.

Though, I binged as soon as I weighed myself... I don't know why?
I also purged. Silly dick, broke my purging record thing. I just felt so guilllltyyy. As well as that, I took 4 laxatives. FMLx2222222 -.-
Not gonna lie, got serious chest pains now. Can't concentrate on revision either, fml.

Also, another 1/2ins off each thigh :D:D:D (I just realised I measure with a mix of metric and imperial, that's so British of me! Like, we have both measurements on everything, because the EU say we have to measure in mm, cm, kg, g and such; but we've always measured in lbs, ozs, ins and miles etc. Weird :L)

I may have binged, but next week I have 3 opportunities not to eat AT ALL!! And, the other two days I'll be cooking easily hide-able things :)

Ummm, double date thing on friday. Don't even like this guy, he does performing arts, so probably won't stop singing -.- I don't mind singing, but jeeeesus. He's not like my ex.

Still fat.

Don't know if I said, but last week, my intake per day was under 100/200 calories, it varied. I was happy. But, next week, it's going to be lower than 100, for sure. And in the case of Tues, Weds, and Fri it will be 00000 :D

HAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYYYY :)
I will be skinny.

Loooooooooooooooooove xx