I've never been so scared in my life this past week.
I went to that guys house on Tuesday and his friends were there too. And I thought it would be ok, but they got me ridiculously drunk and made me go in the hot tub with them, and we were all naked.
By the time I couldn't really see r talk, I was being fucked by him and his friend. I couldn't say no to them. They never even asked me. They just did it. Later on, they were taking pictures.
I never forget anything when I'm drunk, it all comes back to me hen I've got over the hangover. And this I wish I'd have orgotten.
Anyway, next morning, the guy woke me
Up. He made me do stuff, by pulling my hair and threatening that he'd fck me up the arse so hard I'd bleed if I didn't. He was slapping menaround the face and stuff if I said no to anything. It was so horrible, and o was so far away from home that I couldn't just leave.
Anyway, I have been trying to forget.
Though, when I was working last night, they came in. They kept staring t me when I walked past. I had together everyone else to do thins for me
That involved where they were.
The even worse thing was that they were in there with my ex boyfriends fiends. How do they know them?
And what if they were showing the sTaff the pictures of me?
I was so scared to leve work, because they may have been waiting for me. I just dunno what to do. I wish I'd never have gone to his house. I was so fucking stupid.
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Sunday, 21 August 2011
Monday, 15 August 2011
Life update!
Losing inches faster than I thought.. good times!
Bought some size 6 (UK) jeans as thinspo (I think that's a US 4?)!!
I also joined a gym :) And today I have burnt 400 calories, and eaten less than 100 calories, so I'm winning - well, closer to winning than I was! And I've been doing as much walking as I can.
I don't know if I've mentioned before, but there was a good looking barman where I work who kept flirting with me, and he recently left. Anyway, I added him on Facebook, and he starting speaking to me on Chat the other day. He was getting real dirty, and said he wanted me to be his little fuck buddy, and was being serious. So he said he was going to call me when he wanted me, pretty much. I know that this sounds as though I'm being used, but in ways I am using him too. It's been 8 months since I last got laid, so it will be nice to have a bit of action... though I am feeling quite self conscious already. He made me feel quite good, though, when he said that he missed watching my "tight lil arse walking around" at work ;) And then he starting talking about how much fun we'd have if we were both locked in the restaurant overnight...
It might be a bit awkward though, because he lives with one of the chefs from work, so if we were together at his, and James just walked in, that would be quite strange!!
I'm getting super slutty... There was this other guy I was with the other day, who I know from college. He wanted to meet up, so I left my friends house and met him in town. We went to these gardens, where we just talked and kissed for a while (he kept biting my lip, and not like sexy biting, it was constant biting, I don't think he had had much experience in the whole kissing/girls area..). But, then he tried to get me to put my hands down his trousers, which I didn't like the idea of, in a public garden when there was people walking past and police walking through (due to the riots!). But now he isn't talking to me, because my friend was a bitch to him on Facebook, for some reason.
So that's the males over and done with.
I plucked up enough courage to go swimming the other day, and swam 800m, I don't know how many calories that burned, but I imagine it was quite a few. And, binges are getting much lower on the whole calorie intake front. Before, I'd binge on say 3000. Now, it doesn't go far over 1000. I feel much more in control of myself. And, there's only 1 every week and a half now :)
Me and my two closest friends have fallen out too. One of them is crazy, so I don't care much about that. Best to have her gone, I reckon. She was going to stop taking the pill, to have the others baby, without telling him. But I'm gutted about the other, he's like a brother to me. But you don't get one without the other. She went crazy at me for leaving her house the other day to meet this guy, because she was home alone, and she was scared that someone was going to come and kill her. She's such a fucking user, she only wants you there when she needs you. And the rest of the time you're useless. I sent her an essay text of how much I have done for her, and how much I've been there, and that she'd taken advantage of my friendship.. She hasn't replied, probably because it's all fucking true!! Between them, they owe me £139. So, I want it all fucking back. Every penny. I don't care if it makes them broke, I am broke because of them. I need the money back.
Anyway, I'll try and update with pictures and stuff soon, weight and whatever etc. Hope everyone is ok n ting. xoxo
Bought some size 6 (UK) jeans as thinspo (I think that's a US 4?)!!
I also joined a gym :) And today I have burnt 400 calories, and eaten less than 100 calories, so I'm winning - well, closer to winning than I was! And I've been doing as much walking as I can.
I don't know if I've mentioned before, but there was a good looking barman where I work who kept flirting with me, and he recently left. Anyway, I added him on Facebook, and he starting speaking to me on Chat the other day. He was getting real dirty, and said he wanted me to be his little fuck buddy, and was being serious. So he said he was going to call me when he wanted me, pretty much. I know that this sounds as though I'm being used, but in ways I am using him too. It's been 8 months since I last got laid, so it will be nice to have a bit of action... though I am feeling quite self conscious already. He made me feel quite good, though, when he said that he missed watching my "tight lil arse walking around" at work ;) And then he starting talking about how much fun we'd have if we were both locked in the restaurant overnight...
It might be a bit awkward though, because he lives with one of the chefs from work, so if we were together at his, and James just walked in, that would be quite strange!!
I'm getting super slutty... There was this other guy I was with the other day, who I know from college. He wanted to meet up, so I left my friends house and met him in town. We went to these gardens, where we just talked and kissed for a while (he kept biting my lip, and not like sexy biting, it was constant biting, I don't think he had had much experience in the whole kissing/girls area..). But, then he tried to get me to put my hands down his trousers, which I didn't like the idea of, in a public garden when there was people walking past and police walking through (due to the riots!). But now he isn't talking to me, because my friend was a bitch to him on Facebook, for some reason.
So that's the males over and done with.
I plucked up enough courage to go swimming the other day, and swam 800m, I don't know how many calories that burned, but I imagine it was quite a few. And, binges are getting much lower on the whole calorie intake front. Before, I'd binge on say 3000. Now, it doesn't go far over 1000. I feel much more in control of myself. And, there's only 1 every week and a half now :)
Me and my two closest friends have fallen out too. One of them is crazy, so I don't care much about that. Best to have her gone, I reckon. She was going to stop taking the pill, to have the others baby, without telling him. But I'm gutted about the other, he's like a brother to me. But you don't get one without the other. She went crazy at me for leaving her house the other day to meet this guy, because she was home alone, and she was scared that someone was going to come and kill her. She's such a fucking user, she only wants you there when she needs you. And the rest of the time you're useless. I sent her an essay text of how much I have done for her, and how much I've been there, and that she'd taken advantage of my friendship.. She hasn't replied, probably because it's all fucking true!! Between them, they owe me £139. So, I want it all fucking back. Every penny. I don't care if it makes them broke, I am broke because of them. I need the money back.
Anyway, I'll try and update with pictures and stuff soon, weight and whatever etc. Hope everyone is ok n ting. xoxo
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Motivationnnn
I'm so not motivated. The shit I see in the mirror isn't doing it for me. It makes me want to cry. I just need motivation.. Any help is appreciated ;)
Stay strong&&safe xx
Stay strong&&safe xx
Friday, 29 July 2011
My goals.
By the end of August, it is my ambition to have achieved the following:
- to return to my weight, as it was previous to being caught out (50kg)
- to not binge every week, and to instead just do a 1000 calorie binge once a month
- to not purge
- to 'eat out' every day, and come home to hunger
- to do plenty of exercise at the gym, or walk a lot
- to go camping for three days, alone, and not eat
- to not drink too much alcohol, it makes me eat more
- to not smoke weed anymore
- to quite smoking cigarettes
- get personal statement written
- book lnat.
- generally feel skinnier and better.
Hope you're all well :) xx
- to return to my weight, as it was previous to being caught out (50kg)
- to not binge every week, and to instead just do a 1000 calorie binge once a month
- to not purge
- to 'eat out' every day, and come home to hunger
- to do plenty of exercise at the gym, or walk a lot
- to go camping for three days, alone, and not eat
- to not drink too much alcohol, it makes me eat more
- to not smoke weed anymore
- to quite smoking cigarettes
- get personal statement written
- book lnat.
- generally feel skinnier and better.
Hope you're all well :) xx
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
I've been away.
I'm back now, I've been away for a while, because my parents found out everything about me, by reading my diary.
the moral of that story: do not keep a diary. (especially not somewhere easily findable, i.e. under your bed!)
So, they've made me eat quite a lot. Therefore, I am now fat. And I mean it. So fat, that I'm actually embarrassed to put up my weight, and I resent them for it. But, it's all good, because they're not watching me as much anymore, and I'm allowed to exercise. So, hopefully, the weight should all disappear.
On the plus side, since I've been gone, I have been texting my ex, and he was texting back. Though, I text him last tuesday, and he still hasn't text me back. So that's pretty wank.
I hope everyone else is ok, and stuff.
I need thinspo!
the moral of that story: do not keep a diary. (especially not somewhere easily findable, i.e. under your bed!)
So, they've made me eat quite a lot. Therefore, I am now fat. And I mean it. So fat, that I'm actually embarrassed to put up my weight, and I resent them for it. But, it's all good, because they're not watching me as much anymore, and I'm allowed to exercise. So, hopefully, the weight should all disappear.
On the plus side, since I've been gone, I have been texting my ex, and he was texting back. Though, I text him last tuesday, and he still hasn't text me back. So that's pretty wank.
I hope everyone else is ok, and stuff.
I need thinspo!
And, this is me at the moment:
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Exam time
Due to exams, I am weighing 57kg, that's from Monday, so my nice jeans don't fit me - FATTY. Friends keep buying me chocolate before, and I can't say no when they have bought it for me.
Stopped eating officially again.
Parents had a go at me for being at college mon, tues, and weds this week; cause I claimed that I had dinner there, and then had soup thurs and fri.
Failed another driving test, but only 2 people know, so that's a little bit better.On the plus side, the examiner said that I was a good driver, so he was shocked when I failed.. that's a positive.
This week, I will be staying late at college Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs. My excuse when college finishes next week, for not coming home, will be that I have a boyfriend (this is a lie, even though I am fucking some guy and living a little - yes I'm a bad person, but I wanna feel wanted).
The boy I was supposed to be going on another date with has cancelled, yet again. He has his Showcase on Wednesday and Thursday, and had to go and buy costumes and then babysit or some bullshit like that (he wanted to go out for a meal anyway, so that bodes well for me).
Last exam is the 7th June, Psychology... then it's over. I am running for 90 mins every day in 30 min stretches. As well as this, I will be doing Yogalates for an hour, and then the 10 minute Ab workout. I will be consuming low amounts of calories, because I have become 'vegetarian' (an excuse to consume less calories, as meals are vegetable based to save my parents some money - things aren't good at the moment, they own two businesses and their tax return is due, so times are tight).
I got 100% on my English Lit mock the other day, so I'm happy about that, and hope that I can perform that well in the exam on Monday. My teacher is the co-ordinator for Oxbridge applications, and he told me to talk to him about it when my exams are over, so I'll go and see him soon about that.
Over the Summer, it is my intention to get a job and some work experience, so hopefully I will be out of the house at meal times. That way I have an excuse. There aren't many jobs going at the moment, so if I don't have a job, then I'll be frequently visiting the local library to read, hopefully visiting my fuck-buddy, and hopefully the 'date-guy' (he's called John btw) will want me :)
- Just to clarify, if John wants me to go out with him, things will get called off with the other guy, I don't cheat, though it does kind of sound like I am, doesn't it?!!
I hope everyone is ok, it's been a while since I've been on, sorry, exams and that :) xx
Stopped eating officially again.
Parents had a go at me for being at college mon, tues, and weds this week; cause I claimed that I had dinner there, and then had soup thurs and fri.
Failed another driving test, but only 2 people know, so that's a little bit better.On the plus side, the examiner said that I was a good driver, so he was shocked when I failed.. that's a positive.
This week, I will be staying late at college Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs. My excuse when college finishes next week, for not coming home, will be that I have a boyfriend (this is a lie, even though I am fucking some guy and living a little - yes I'm a bad person, but I wanna feel wanted).
The boy I was supposed to be going on another date with has cancelled, yet again. He has his Showcase on Wednesday and Thursday, and had to go and buy costumes and then babysit or some bullshit like that (he wanted to go out for a meal anyway, so that bodes well for me).
Last exam is the 7th June, Psychology... then it's over. I am running for 90 mins every day in 30 min stretches. As well as this, I will be doing Yogalates for an hour, and then the 10 minute Ab workout. I will be consuming low amounts of calories, because I have become 'vegetarian' (an excuse to consume less calories, as meals are vegetable based to save my parents some money - things aren't good at the moment, they own two businesses and their tax return is due, so times are tight).
I got 100% on my English Lit mock the other day, so I'm happy about that, and hope that I can perform that well in the exam on Monday. My teacher is the co-ordinator for Oxbridge applications, and he told me to talk to him about it when my exams are over, so I'll go and see him soon about that.
Over the Summer, it is my intention to get a job and some work experience, so hopefully I will be out of the house at meal times. That way I have an excuse. There aren't many jobs going at the moment, so if I don't have a job, then I'll be frequently visiting the local library to read, hopefully visiting my fuck-buddy, and hopefully the 'date-guy' (he's called John btw) will want me :)
- Just to clarify, if John wants me to go out with him, things will get called off with the other guy, I don't cheat, though it does kind of sound like I am, doesn't it?!!
I hope everyone is ok, it's been a while since I've been on, sorry, exams and that :) xx
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Last night
So I went out with that guy. He told me he wanted to do it again sometime. I got a hug.
Then today I was being all shy-ish, but after this PA show he sort of, well literally, ran off. I feel shit.
I've never felt like such a twat.
List of bad things:
- failed driving test last wednesday
- booked next driving test 1 day before A level exam
- have exams starting in 2 weeks
- man I like hates me
- man who used me completely I'm still thinking about
- I cannot look at myself without being repulsed
- I just had an argument with my family, and now my phone won;t be fixed (yes, my iPhone is broken)
Good things:
- I haven't eaten in 2 days.
That's all. Hope everyone is ok, its been a while.
Then today I was being all shy-ish, but after this PA show he sort of, well literally, ran off. I feel shit.
I've never felt like such a twat.
List of bad things:
- failed driving test last wednesday
- booked next driving test 1 day before A level exam
- have exams starting in 2 weeks
- man I like hates me
- man who used me completely I'm still thinking about
- I cannot look at myself without being repulsed
- I just had an argument with my family, and now my phone won;t be fixed (yes, my iPhone is broken)
Good things:
- I haven't eaten in 2 days.
That's all. Hope everyone is ok, its been a while.
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