From happy to depressed.

He turned me down, again.

He told me he wanted to see me, and I invited him out for my Birthday this weekend, and he said he couldn't make it.



But, I'm restricting a lot. So that's good news. And my new incentive, to get down to 17 inch legs, is a tattoo - since I'm 18 now!!! There's an inch and a half to go.

I'd love to know what I weight right now, but someone has lost/taken/hidden the scales -.-



Anyway, it's my Birthday thing tomorrow. I won't drink much, and I'm having a Salad for Dinner beforehand. Since I'm a light-weight, it'll take me two Vodka and Diet Cokes to get hammered!

My ex, the one I loooove (but don't tell him ;P) asked me if I wanted to go out again :) I invited him to my birthday pub crawl on Friday :)

HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING HAPPY!

And, he text me, not the other way round... that's something?!



In other news, I had an evaluation today for an accommodation place - a nice one, that is also cheap-ish! And, I'm doing quite well at quitting smoking. I'm like not eating any more than usual! So, all is well, and I am HAPPY!


I have counselling on Friday before the Pub crawl, though. So, that might put a dampener on my day :'( Still, life goes on. And my ex has made me happier than ever! He's going to be the person who makes me forget about everything bad that has happened to me. And I love him even more for that (I realised that I loved him, before I wasn't sure, but now I know for definite!)




YAY!!

I hope that everyone's ok :) xx

Why do I binge?

I have realised, properly realised now, that the reason I have gained is because of my binges.

I am eating like under 500 calories a day, during the week. Some days, I am having under 200 calories. And, then on a Friday/Saturday I will east up to 3000 calories of crap foods. Obviously, my weekly intake before I binged was about 4200, as I was eating a solid 600 or less a day. But, then with the binge it was like, 6500 or less. It makes sense why I'm such a fatty these days.


I forgot to say what someone said to me the other day. She said, "you look a lot curvier. Not in a bad way, but at exam time you looked unhealthy". I blame my weakness to my friends encouraging me to eat.


I now have to think of an excuse for NOT going out to lunch for my birthday on Tuesday - my friend has offered to pay, because it's my birthday the day after.

Fuck my life

Nice bit of thinspo

I got ridiculously depressed last night. I binged... then I purged. I AM A FAILURE. 

I would give absolutely anything to look like these girls... I'm just too weak to get there. 

I'm moving.

I have decided to move house... I might go live with my Nan. She would only charge me £30 a week board, and I could get a job at a restaurant up the road.

This is because I was walking to college today, and I saw him. He fucking looked at me and gave me such a cocky smile, as if he was saying "there's fuck all you can do about it". He makes me feel sick. He shouldn't be walking around on the streets, a free man. He's a vile thing, he's not even human.


But, anyway, this isn't a blog about criminals, even though it appears to be getting that way!


I'd like to thank everyone for their supportive comments, I really appreciate them! Thank you so much :)




I'll be moving out soon, I reckon, but this means that my Nan will aim to 'fatten me up' - she buys loads of sweets. And, I don't think she'll buy me veggie stuff - so I'll have to buy my own food (but this means I control what I'm eating).


That's about all for today... Hope everyone is ok xx

I'm depressed.

I'm back at college, and work already seems more difficult. In Law this year, we are only doing Criminal Law. Last year, my teacher said that we would be doing one paper on Criminal Law and the other on Tort, but NO! We're doing two papers on Criminal, which is much fucking harder than Tort. So that really sucks.

The Police have spoken to the person, and he has made me out to sound like a child, who is only pressing charges because people told me to (which is half true, because I just wanted to forget it ever happened). So FUCK THE POLICE - I'm taking action through the Civil courts (I know Solicitors from my Work Experience, so hopefully they will help me out).

I broke down in tears in front of my friend the other day (I thought that I had seen one of the boys who did it). I just couldn't control myself. He just hugged me really tightly, and told me that everything was going to be ok, because he was there for me.

Nothing is ok.

Everything is bad.


I'm scared of everyone. I'm scared of everything.

I used to love being in situations that were dangerous, it made me feel alive. Now, I can't walk out of my house without feeling like I am going to be attacked again.

The Police won't do anything. The main boy who did it has a Father who knows people. I found this out the other day. They have connections with the Police in their line of business.


I can't really eat, which is a good thing. I just feel NOT hungry. I feel sad, and alone, and scared, and angry and depressed. I can't do my work. I can't concentrate. I want to leave, get away, and never come back. Never have to think that I'm seeing their faces anywhere. But I will see them. Everyone I see looks something like them.


England is shit, one looks at the legal system, and thinks "yeah, it's really good, in theory one can always get justice". Then, when you're involved with the Police, you then realise that it's not ok, and justice will never be received. It goes against everything I've ever thought and believed about the English legal system.. and to think I want to be a Lawyer! This country disgusts me. It really does. It's so corrupt.

Thinspirational old photos.

My nan, aunty and I about 2-3 years ago - pre ana

I took this just before my ex picked me up - you can see my ribs through my top <3 (an after picture)

Year 8 prom, so aged 13 (I think)

 Me in 2008, probably 14 or so. My face is appalling. Being ridiculously fat obviously doesn't suit me!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1737151357755&set=t.1088341383&type=3&theater

And the above is a picture of me on Xmas eve last year, I like the fact that my legs look slim... but not slim enough!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=439680308754&set=t.1088341383&type=3&theater 

And on this one (second from the right) my legs look well-bowed :) Love it. Would be much nicer if slimmer though.. 

And that's all really. My thinspo for today is myself!! And my hideousness. 

Counselling.

The counsellor woman tells me that I'm showing signs of depression, with some slight tendencies to show bipolar behaviour.

Love it. Officially mind fucked.

Lol this explains why I have eaten quite a lot though. Now I know why, I can stop eating again. And no longer be a fatty.


I dunno if I told you but the main guy who I was talking about - we can refer to him as his preferred name (which is Wanker) - persuaded me to drop the charges against him. So, I did. Because I'm scared of him, and what his friends could do to me. And, yes, to avoid the police arresting him that day, I had to lie and say "I didn't perceive it as a sexual assault, it just got out of control and everyone else was telling me to report it." I'm glad Wanker can get over it all... I fucking can't.


Anyway, I hope everyone else is ok.