What do you love about me?

Having had the lowest couple of days I have had for a while, not being helped by not having eaten for some time now, I thought I would spend the weekend at my boyfriends.

When walking to his car, people were staring at me from their cars, and I asked him why people always look at you out of their car windows. He said, "It's because you're pretty, Em. I mean, you're just right, you're not very pretty..." and then later, he called me "chunky" and said I was "bigger than" him (and no-one wants to be the fat one in the relationship, do they). Obviously, I freaked out every time, but he kept doing it. The worst thing is, is that he means it. He didn't say it in a joke-y way, and he never even apologised, saying "I didn't say anything horrible did I? What's wrong with you?"

He's just asked me what I'm typing on - he likes to check up on me.

Why am I with someone who makes me feel like shit, you may ask?

Well, if I'm at his house, he doesn't offer me food (he wants to see me starve, so that he can have a skinnier girlfriend, I imagine) and I don't ask for it.

What;s funny, is that his parents tell him to make me something, and he doesn't.
What's funnier is that one of his friends was making a fuss when we were at his, saying that I should eat something, and that he felt 'guilty' and 'worried', and my boyfriend said, "Mate, don't worry about her, I've known her not eat for days".

This man tells me he loves me, and couldn't care less if I starved to death or not. Why is he with me? Why does he love me?
I'm moody, insecure, impatient, angry, ugly, fat, incompetent (from my last exam performance I will not get my predicted grades), and (considering we've had like 6-ish opportunities where I could have been pregnant, but haven't been) possibly infertile.

What a fucking catch?!

By the way, the insults are motivating, but awful as well. Bear it in mind that I never say anything hurtful to him, other than things like: "It hurts when you say things like that" - which often results in me feeling guilty for bringing it up that I'm upset. Also bear in mind that there's a lot of hurtful things I could say about him, but never do say them to him - because I don't want to fucking hurt him.

This is my battle: he makes me feel like shit, and I know it shouldn't be motivating and that I need to eat to get where I want in life, but then I miss him when I'm not around him, because he's everything to me and I love him with all of my heart. Then I think, if he's not physically attracted to me - which he obviously isn't - what is he attracted to? Or is it just someone to fuck, because he couldn't get laid by the girl he wanted?

And, people wonder why I constantly break out into tears randomly and why I'm not in College ever.

Fear

My boyfriend wants me to go out with a group of his old friends tonight. He hasn't seen them in ages, and wasn't gonna go - said he's choosing me over them "twats". They do a lot of drugs (my boyfriend doesn't anymore) and this is at someones house. I'll be he only girl. I don't know them, so I don't trust them, and I'm freaking out because I'm scared something awful could happen again. I'm so scared right now - if they're addicted to meow, and steal and stuff, they won't think twice about attacking me if they're super high.

fuckfuckfuck. I'm shitting it.

Self-pity, self-loathing and hate.

I have had my mother and boyfriend tell me how much I am like my dad today. My dad is the person who is tearing the family apart, so as you can imagine I have been crying. My boyfriend hasn't even hugged me. He said "I haven't pissed you off have I?" And that was it.

Thoughts right now: I have no-one; I genuinely want to die.

I see no point in eating, breathing, or anything anymore. I really don't. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself for being so self-pitying. I hate the fact that I have to come on here to express myself - a place where I know no-one, because there's absolutely no-one who will ever understand how I feel.

This is why people hate me once they get to know me.. I'm depressing, and horrible and a twat. I don't even like myself, so how can people ever like me?

HA! Love!

So, my boyfriend tells me he 'loves me' and wants me to be 'healthy', but I don't eat for two days at his house, and he says absolutely nothing. In fact, it's been four days. I'm surviving off tea, I'm getting stupidly dizzy when I stand up, and out of pure spite I'm saying nothing.

Yesterday was valentine's day... not even a card, I forced him to buy me flowers. To add to it all, he said I might have to pay for my own cinema ticket so that he could buy shit loads of food. Nice... don't think about me though.

He asked me why I was getting cranky, and I apologised, to which he replied: "I'm used to it by now"... absolute bastard.

Clearly, he thinks I need to lose more weight.

I just want to scream at him and tell him the reason I'm so cranky is because YOU HAVEN'T FED ME IN DAYS YOU PRICK!

Haha, last night I had just fallen asleep, and he didn't leave me alone - trying to wake me up - until I woke and had sex with him... we'd already had sex and I was tired. It was horrible.

I feel like he's with me for sex, because he hadn't had any for months before. If I'd have made him wait ages, would he still be with me?

I might go home, but go to the gym every time I eat something - no matter what it is?

I wanna go home, but there's that temptation of food. I am literally using him, and telling him I love him for three reasons: a) at his house I don't have to eat, b) I don't think anyone will tell me they 'love me' ever again, and c) my father is an alcoholic and he says horrible things to my family when he's had a drink, and not being at home is how I get back at him.

Anyway, I'm gonna mooch around blogs and stuff, and then do some coursework.

He knows.

He guessed, so I had to tell him. He wants to "help me". I'm not skinny yet.


FUCK.

Exams are done.

Well, two eventful things have happened today: firstly, my psychology exam went shockingly new-level of shit bad; secondly, I had my application rejected from Durham University.

But, I have been complimented a lot, and such. Including, "you're beautiful", "you're amazing", "I'm never going to leave you because I love you", and "don't be upset about your uni's because you are incredible", and also, he's buying me flowers <3

Good day, but bad day really. But, the good things make up for the bad - which is something.

Haven't eaten either, I bought a salad in pitta bread from the chippy, but will probably chuck it again; despite my boyfriend telling me I HAD to eat it this time!!

Whoa.

Haven't eaten since Wednesday evening. I'm so weak that I can't even move my fingers across the keyboard.

He just told me I have to eat today. Meh.

He also said "You eat at home, why not here? Is it because our food is crap?" Well, no, because you make me salads, and that's what I eat at home. The reason I eat at home is because I have to. If I didn't have to, then I wouldn't. Maybe I should see if I can eat in my room again - I haven't been trusted to because of my eating disorder, but that was a while ago now. Hmph. I'll experiment. Say I'm revising or something. Yeah.

I will actually have to eat something tomorrow though, I have to walk home, and I have very little energy. I can't even revise. I have exams Thursday and Friday, so I need to sort myself out for a couple of days. But that shall be it.

God I just wanna die.