He asked me if I was 'starving myself'

I lied to the man I love.

Ugh

I hate him seeing me naked now.

I told him I had a bladder infection. So, it was clothes on, and just hugging all night.

I feel so fat.

Intakkkkee

I have eaten about 20 grapes, and a stir fry :)

I made this bad boy stir fry up myself:
Beansprouts (lots of)
Carrot strips
Spinach (lots of)
Mushrooms

It's really low calorie, and tastes goooood :D

So, I think I'm under 100 calories today, and I ate about 1000 calories when I binged yesterday, and never ate anything friday, apart from a salad (which was mostly lettuce) :D

Moving in..

Let's put it this way:I may need to move in with my boyfriend - Dad doesn't want me at home anymore.

He said this to me last night, amongst many others, but these are the worst:

- "Why do you not be a bitch to your boyfriend? Because you don't want to show him your true colours?"
- "You're a complete dickhead"
- "You can get a fucking job, and pay for your own train fare, cause I'm not doing it anymore."
- "You only got AAAB at A Level, and because college is your life, you chose a shit one - you could have had 4 A's"      (um, Dad, where's you qualifications? Oh yeah, you left school at 14, and because you're a wanker you find it humorous to insult me)
- "I'm not going to do anything to your attackers, I'll let them do what they want with you"  (<- Dad? I don't think he is anymore)


Why was this said?
I snapped at Mum, and said it was because I was stressed out with everything that was going on in my life - even though I apologised for it, sincerely, I got this!


Dad has an alcohol problem, so Mum picked up his bottle of Scotch whiskey, and threw it outside in the garden - it smashed!
He doesn't remember it this morning - shame I'll remember it forever. I am refusing to go downstairs, or talk to him.

He's not my Dad anymore.
I've tried to help him, and he doesn't care about anyone other than himself. He always hurts people because of alcohol.

He can pick on my problems as much as he wants, at least my problem has a purpose. 

Hate myself.

Every day I love him more and more.

But, I don't think he loves me as much as I love him. How the fuck could he love me?




The other day, he said he wanted to get back into some drugs again, like he used to. He said he was really eager to do LSD again.

I told him a horror story about it. His reply was: "If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it. But I'm not going to stop doing all drugs because you don't want me to do them."

He said he didn't mean it in a horrible way, but instead he meant it in a way which means that he wants to enjoy his life more.

He told me he'd do anything for me.

I HAVE ONLY HAD 100 CALORIES TO LAST ME 3 DAYS.

I'M FUCKING STARVING SO THAT I CAN LOOK GOOD FOR HIM. WHY WON'T HE DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?
By not putting himself in the way of harm.



Don't get me wrong, he's sweet and lovely, and I love him with all my heart. But, when he and his friends are talking about getting all these drugs in, it makes me feel sick. I don't know what I'd do without him.
We've agreed that we'll never leave each other. And, the thought of him dying, or getting hurt, makes me ridiculously upset. I want him to be with me forever.

I just asked him if he thought I was fat.

I haven't eaten in ages. My thighs are now 1 inch thinner.


Here's my approval to get thinner. And, it made me feel like shit... but I did ask.
I asked him if he thought I was fat, and he said:

• • Emma ****
    And, I mean blunt.
  • Do you think I'm fat?
• James H********

  • Your not fat, but your not thin either. Honestly I like you the way you are, as I say this I'd rather you didn't put extra weight on - but I wouldn't mind if you lost a little. But I love you the way you are now and I'd always love you despite how you look.
  • That was me being blunt, you asked for it.
  • I hope you don't hate me now
• 
  

  
  

My jeans fit

So for some reason I binged:/