He knows.

He guessed, so I had to tell him. He wants to "help me". I'm not skinny yet.


FUCK.

Exams are done.

Well, two eventful things have happened today: firstly, my psychology exam went shockingly new-level of shit bad; secondly, I had my application rejected from Durham University.

But, I have been complimented a lot, and such. Including, "you're beautiful", "you're amazing", "I'm never going to leave you because I love you", and "don't be upset about your uni's because you are incredible", and also, he's buying me flowers <3

Good day, but bad day really. But, the good things make up for the bad - which is something.

Haven't eaten either, I bought a salad in pitta bread from the chippy, but will probably chuck it again; despite my boyfriend telling me I HAD to eat it this time!!

Whoa.

Haven't eaten since Wednesday evening. I'm so weak that I can't even move my fingers across the keyboard.

He just told me I have to eat today. Meh.

He also said "You eat at home, why not here? Is it because our food is crap?" Well, no, because you make me salads, and that's what I eat at home. The reason I eat at home is because I have to. If I didn't have to, then I wouldn't. Maybe I should see if I can eat in my room again - I haven't been trusted to because of my eating disorder, but that was a while ago now. Hmph. I'll experiment. Say I'm revising or something. Yeah.

I will actually have to eat something tomorrow though, I have to walk home, and I have very little energy. I can't even revise. I have exams Thursday and Friday, so I need to sort myself out for a couple of days. But that shall be it.

God I just wanna die.

Oh my God.

Last night he said his boxers might be too small for me. They were massive. What does this say? I'M FAT.

He has allowed me to not eat for two days.

Why am I in this relationship? He makes me feel shit about myself.

I'm in this because it is an easy way for me to not eat.

He doesn't love me. That's obvious. But the feeling shit is motivation.

Anyway, looking at this screen isn't helping how faint I'm feeling right now. I'm off.

Just kill me.

I literally just cried over the thought of eating. My boyfriends Dad presented me with two Quorn burgers for dinner. The idea of eating made me cry and I ate about 4 small bites. There was butter on there, and that completely threw me.
Luckily, he thought it was because I was stressed and hid the one burger in a plastic bag.

He don't care. I never ate last night either. He just thinks I'm fat and could do with the lost weight.

Fat bitch.

I know my pregnancy test may have come up negative, but I seem to have morning sickness, but it's lasting from about 6am until 1pm. It's every day as well, and I really feel pregnant which is weird.

Anyway, I have given up smoking, which is proving to make me very aggressive!

Today I have also done a workout, and cried over my upcoming exams. It's been lovely!!

Weight is coming off... spending a lot of time at my boyfriends tomorrow through until Wednesday, and then next Friday until Wednesday (I have an exam Thursday and Friday so shouldn't really stay, just in case we can't wake up haha!)

Anyway, hope everyone is well. I'm a very busy bee at the moment, so posted quickly. Will check out and comment on blogs soon. Lovez

Negative.

I wasn't pregnant!

In so many ways I am incredibly gutted, because I missed so many pills from purging and when I have been ill. What if I have messed up my body so much that I'm infertile? I know it took my Mum ages to get pregnant when she didn't have periods - she also had an eating disorder. I just really hope that's all it is, and that it will just take a while to conceive when we're ready.

Anyway, I haven't purged, and I'm eating very, very little. So, jeans are lose, hip bones sticking out, ribs, hands round waist. It's well good.

Anyways, loves x

This is actually horrible.

So, I looked in my wardrobe the other day to see what I had to wear, and then I saw about 4 cups that I had previously used to purge into. To my own surprise, there was one with sick in there that had been there for months. I don't want to go into detail or anything, but you can imagine how that smelt and stuff - and I didn't realise because I have a divided wardrobe, and this is for my posher clothes, that I seldom wear. It was so hideous, and I had to find a way to clean them whilst my parents were in the house as well. I've honestly never seen or smelt anything worse.
I realised that I have a problem and vow never to purge again, because that was just awful.

Anyway, I think I'm pregnant, but there's no way of knowing because I don't have periods. I missed a couple of pills from purging, so who knows. I'll take a test tomorrow, I think. As much as I would love a baby, at the moment I cannot afford to put on any weight - or starve my baby to death whilst it is inside of me.

As you can tell I'm in a shitty mood. So, I'm going to stop putting everyone down now, and go off until I feel better. Sorry! Hope everyone is ok.

Exams.

Exams are coming very soon, and I haven't eaten in 2 days, so as you can imagine I'm feeling really weak and tired and have very little motivation to revise.

All I can honestly think about is food. It's making me ill. I might have an all-day revision session tomorrow, and eat a bit but take laxatives or something - purging takes up too much time, even though it's more effective.

I kept being on the verge of fainting yesterday, especially when I stood up. It was horrible. I could barely move this morning as well. It was horrible.

I might have a salad and a fudge bar tomorrow - which is pushing it because they're around 115 calories.. but I need to pass. I have had 3 University rejections, which leaves me with only one choice. So, I have to get in.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, they're lush. And, I hope everyone is well :D

I don't even know what to do.

I love being with my boyfriend and everything, but I feel like I'm only going to his house all the time so that I can avoid eating. That's really bad. It's like I'm only with him for motivation.

Saying that, I have still devised a plan...

Have sex as much as possible, with me putting in the most effort, to lose as much weight as possible, as quickly as possible.

I feel so fat. When I'm at home I lose my control, and I hate that. I think I have made a negative association with food at my house. Anyway, I plan to remain out of the kitchen as much as possible. I have a bottle of squash up here, so I shall endeavor to only go downstairs in the morning, when I do not wish to eat anyway.

And, these weekly binges of about 1000 calories or less are getting ridiculous.. NO MORE.


Oh my God. His mum is a mental health nurse, and she has clocked on to my eating habits. She keeps mentioning it, and it's getting horribly uncomfortable. They're all "worried" about me. #fuckmylife

Anyway, I hope everyone is ok and everything. Sorry I haven't been on much.