Christmas.

Christmas day was a success. I ate A LOT of shitty foods, and guess what?! I was really ill.
I ate a gone off cheesy breadstick dip thing, and it made me have vomiting and diarrhea. So, yeah, that bloat came down easily enough - especially since I was at my boyfriends on boxing day.

Somehow now, I have lost weight, like my jeans are huge! God knows how...

I haven't eaten very much at all the past few days, and I can now fit my hands around my waist with ease (Y)  


Anyway, Christmas day was shite. Everyone kept nagging at me for being a vegetarian.

Also, Nan came to ours, and she kept commenting on what I was eating. e.g. don't eat that chocolate because you don't eat your dinner anyway; it's good to see you eating Emma, etc.

WANKERS.

There's no need to comment at all, is there. They don't know about this new developing eating thing, but they knew about the last one, which was ages ago - before I even made this blog. So SHUT UP ABOUT IT NOW!

Hope everyone had a good one :)

Life.

I had counselling.

Not for the whole eating thing, but for the attack.

I hate saying the 'r' word.




The woman told me it wasn't my fault. I don't believe her.

She said that no-one deserves that. I did.
I put my family through so much shit, and still do. I deserved it.

She told me that I need to learn how to control my nightmares.
She's teaching me relaxation techniques.

That's all I got from an hour, to be honest. I hate it. I just want to forget it ever happened though. I want to pretend that bad things go unpunished, because they do.
They did bad things, and they went unpunished. Why can the same not happen to me? Oh yeah, because I'm awful.

On a happier note:
It's half 4 and I haven't eaten today. This is good, considering I'm at home! It's been surprisingly easy. I will have a salad for dinner, as per.
I have been drinking tea and revising all day. It's good food avoidance.

Also, my teeth are stained to fuck. This is because my dentist prescribed me a high fluoride toothpaste, which has consequently reacted with my vomit, and resulted in my teeth becoming enamel-less, see-through and tobacco stained. It looks fucking vile.
I've stopped using it now, but he knew I was a smoker, and he could probably tell that I throw up a lot - dentists know these things, don't they? The wanker did it on purpose - I swear by it!

No food.

Last night I ate nothing at my boyfriends, and he started worrying about me.

I just sat there and said, "Seriously, I'm not hungry at all. Don't worry about me", over and over again.

He told me that girls who eat well get special kisses - I don't care that much!


The night before last, I hid food in my bag and pretended to eat it. Honestly, this worries me. I'm exactly how I was before. A mess.

But tonight, I'm at home, and we've just been shopping as a family, and I've eaten quite a lot. So, I'll most likely purge in a bit. That seems to be the thing I do at home these days.

I hate the food temptations at home. I might stay here until Christmas, and then from Boxing Day be at my boyfriends. I don't have to eat at all then!

Or, try to break the association that I have with food in my house.

Love, sex & insecurities...

Love.
I think I love him, but I'm not sure whether I am just with him to hear the words "I love you" and to feel wanted. I can see what effect he is having on my education - we are skipping college A LOT - and how bad he makes me feel.
I told my friends about what he said about my weight, and they told me I was out of his league anyway, so I had to be confident about my weight because I'm too good for him. So, I figured that if I act confident he'll stop picking on me for his own insecurities or whatever.
Seeing this, I feel really mean. I just don't know how I feel. I know that when I'm at his house I have to eat like nothing, which is brilliant!

Sex. 
I hate sex, so much. I feel hideously fat. When I'm on top and even I can see the cellulite and fat on my thighs. Hideously disgusting. And I feel bad when I say "I'm tired" or whatever - but I use it as much as I can. I just have no desire for sex.

Insecurities. 
I hate how I look. I feel fat all the time. My thighs wobble, my arms wobble and everything else too (but thighs and arms the most). I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate sleeping naked. I hate showering. I hate having sex. I hate being this fucking fat. I have lost one more inch of each thigh - WTF? Why only one? Why not three, and then I could be beautiful - or at least getting there?
I don't know what I fucking weigh, I haven't seen my scales in ages... I think Mum has thrown them out, and I can't exactly ask her.


On the plus side, it's Christmas soon.... What a joke! Christmas food. Great. I'm seeing James on Boxing Day - and if I eat too much I'm going to bloat like a balloon. Disgusting. He better not want sex.

Weight Loss

I'm losing babydolls... Just not as quick as I'd like to lose this fatttt.

&&& He said that I looked sexy in my jeans the other day - my jeans that fit me again!

I have one more pair to get into - and they're a small size 8 (UK)! And when they fit, I'm going to aim for a size 6, which to be fair I'd say that size 8 pair actually are!!

I gave up on the 30 day thing.. it bores me!