What a shit day

Parents just found out that I smoke.

Am currently tipping the scales at 60kg after epic binge since Thursday.

Will be taking large mass of laxatives in a second.

Am exercising shit loads.

Will be 50kg again by the end of this week.

If I make 45kg by the mid-may, I will buy myself some nice clothing :D

I know why I'm eating... boredom. I'm in the house alone. So, I'm going to study at college, because it is open this week. Then I won't be tempted to eat.

I can't believe my parents know. Shit. Reminder for the duture: don't chuck fag butts out of bedroom window, when bedroom window is above the drive. FML

Date tomorrow.

I can't go. I can't can't can't go. I'm not good enough, and I'm too fat.

I don't know what I'll wear...

Last night I just cried about how fat I was. It's so stupid... But I still did it.

I just can't go out with a boy when I look like this.

It's half term now. So, I'm at home all day... No walking to college :(
I've decided, I will run every day - on the evening (on the treadmill, because going out is horrible) - and do my Yogalates of a morning. No more Zumba... my friend cannot afford it anymore, and I don't particularly want to go alone.

On a saddddd note, my friends want to go on holiday to Turkey - they have invited me. They want to drink all the time... and they want me to eat before I drink (shit).
How am I supposed to wear a bikini if I have bloated from eating too much?
I don't want to let them down though.

This is such a shit time to relapse.

I need Oxford... But, I need to be thin. Exercise?

This is going to sound stupid... But does exercise actually make you lose weight? Because I never remember losing any weight when I was fatter before.

Maybe it won't ever make me lose any weight... I have such a bad relationship with food... I either eat nothing or binge eat.

Fuck, before this 'date' tomorrow, I'll have to do a 30 minute run and some Yogalates. And then I'll have my 50 minute walk (I have to get to the train station and back). Hopefully, I'll look skinnier than usual... I said hopefully.

Oh for fuck sake... why can't food be in pill form? Then I can just not take the pill and lose weight.

Stay strong everyone... and please wish me luck with this shit.xx

I never know what to title my blogs

Sorry about the lame excuse for a blog title! I don't know if I mentioned but I wassuppose to be going out on a date this evening..
Well he cancelled because he has a lot of work to do - or that he thought about how fat I am now.
To be honest, I don't want to go. I'm too fat for a boyfriend. How am I supposed to be naked in front of a guy, when I can't bear to even be naked in front of a mirror? (sorry about the grotesque image!) plus, I'm pretty sure that I'm still not over my ex. I don't know but I think I am in love with him still. It's sad, because I didn't want to be. He was a bit of a dick. Like I keep looking through texts and stuff to see where I went wrong, and in my head I go over everything that I ever said or did that put him off me. I know the answer in my heart - he touched me, he felt my fat. That's what did it, I'm sure of it. He was fine until then. Then he stopped contacting me. I'll never ne happy without him - I just know I won't. I need him back. I need to be thin so that he'll Want me back.


Fuck sake. I'm going to be starving all through my exams, and I'm going to fucking fail as a result. Shit. My life is fucked. Shitshitshit.

But anyway, enough self pity for now. Bye bye xx

Oh God, what have I done?

Well, at the start of this week we had a parents evening. My teachers told me that there was no reason why I couldn't get in to an Oxbridge Uni, which is like my DREAMMMM! So, I was thrilled :D

Then I thought, well why would I waste my education on being ill. I don't want to fail because of starvation. :( So, I have been eating ALL week. Cookies, chocolate, ice cream, cakes, doughnuts, sandwiches, etc. Absolute dick. Friday came, and I went into college. When I got there, I brought thousands of calories worth of food. I had 6 bowls of cereal, 2 hot pockets, 1 chicken sandwich, a chocolate bar, a giant cookie, a kebab, chips, sweets, biscuits and crisps. I have not stopped eating shit all week. Why????????????????? I must have totalled about 4000 calories or worse.

I want to pass, but jesus, that was ridiculous.

My weight...59kg. Fuck.my.life.

No more. I'm going on a date in two weeks D:

So, my plan is: revise revise revise. Eat enough to survive - about 200 calories or less per day. If I stick to this until friday, then I can buy these really nice wedges I saw in New Look. And, I can't afford to buy much else, so that's all...the weight loss will reward me. I feel so fat. I need to lose weight off my legs...so it's the running machine every night now (Y) for me.

I need thinspo...so I'm off now. Staystrong xx