Fear

My boyfriend wants me to go out with a group of his old friends tonight. He hasn't seen them in ages, and wasn't gonna go - said he's choosing me over them "twats". They do a lot of drugs (my boyfriend doesn't anymore) and this is at someones house. I'll be he only girl. I don't know them, so I don't trust them, and I'm freaking out because I'm scared something awful could happen again. I'm so scared right now - if they're addicted to meow, and steal and stuff, they won't think twice about attacking me if they're super high.

fuckfuckfuck. I'm shitting it.

Self-pity, self-loathing and hate.

I have had my mother and boyfriend tell me how much I am like my dad today. My dad is the person who is tearing the family apart, so as you can imagine I have been crying. My boyfriend hasn't even hugged me. He said "I haven't pissed you off have I?" And that was it.

Thoughts right now: I have no-one; I genuinely want to die.

I see no point in eating, breathing, or anything anymore. I really don't. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself for being so self-pitying. I hate the fact that I have to come on here to express myself - a place where I know no-one, because there's absolutely no-one who will ever understand how I feel.

This is why people hate me once they get to know me.. I'm depressing, and horrible and a twat. I don't even like myself, so how can people ever like me?

HA! Love!

So, my boyfriend tells me he 'loves me' and wants me to be 'healthy', but I don't eat for two days at his house, and he says absolutely nothing. In fact, it's been four days. I'm surviving off tea, I'm getting stupidly dizzy when I stand up, and out of pure spite I'm saying nothing.

Yesterday was valentine's day... not even a card, I forced him to buy me flowers. To add to it all, he said I might have to pay for my own cinema ticket so that he could buy shit loads of food. Nice... don't think about me though.

He asked me why I was getting cranky, and I apologised, to which he replied: "I'm used to it by now"... absolute bastard.

Clearly, he thinks I need to lose more weight.

I just want to scream at him and tell him the reason I'm so cranky is because YOU HAVEN'T FED ME IN DAYS YOU PRICK!

Haha, last night I had just fallen asleep, and he didn't leave me alone - trying to wake me up - until I woke and had sex with him... we'd already had sex and I was tired. It was horrible.

I feel like he's with me for sex, because he hadn't had any for months before. If I'd have made him wait ages, would he still be with me?

I might go home, but go to the gym every time I eat something - no matter what it is?

I wanna go home, but there's that temptation of food. I am literally using him, and telling him I love him for three reasons: a) at his house I don't have to eat, b) I don't think anyone will tell me they 'love me' ever again, and c) my father is an alcoholic and he says horrible things to my family when he's had a drink, and not being at home is how I get back at him.

Anyway, I'm gonna mooch around blogs and stuff, and then do some coursework.