Motivationnnn

I'm so not motivated. The shit I see in the mirror isn't doing it for me. It makes me want to cry. I just need motivation.. Any help is appreciated ;)

Stay strong&&safe xx

My goals.

By the end of August, it is my ambition to have achieved the following:

 - to return to my weight, as it was previous to being caught out (50kg)
 - to not binge every week, and to instead just do a 1000 calorie binge once a month
 - to not purge
 - to 'eat out' every day, and come home to hunger
 - to do plenty of exercise at the gym, or walk a lot
 - to go camping for three days, alone, and not eat
 - to not drink too much alcohol, it makes me eat more
 - to not smoke weed anymore
 - to quite smoking cigarettes
 - get personal statement written
 - book lnat.
 - generally feel skinnier and better.

Hope you're all well :) xx

I've been away.

I'm back now, I've been away for a while, because my parents found out everything about me, by reading my diary.

the moral of that story: do not keep a diary. (especially not somewhere easily findable, i.e. under your bed!)

So, they've made me eat quite a lot. Therefore, I am now fat. And I mean it. So fat, that I'm actually embarrassed to put up my weight, and I resent them for it. But, it's all good, because they're not watching me as much anymore, and I'm allowed to exercise. So, hopefully, the weight should all disappear.

On the plus side, since I've been gone, I have been texting my ex, and he was texting back. Though, I text him last tuesday, and he still hasn't text me back. So that's pretty wank.


I hope everyone else is ok, and stuff.


I need thinspo!

And, this is me at the moment:

Exam time

Due to exams, I am weighing 57kg, that's from Monday, so my nice jeans don't fit me - FATTY. Friends keep buying me chocolate before, and I can't say no when they have bought it for me.

Stopped eating officially again.

Parents had a go at me for being at college mon, tues, and weds this week; cause I claimed that I had dinner there, and then had soup thurs and fri.

Failed another driving test, but only 2 people know, so that's a little bit better.On the plus side, the examiner said that I was a good driver, so he was shocked when I failed.. that's a positive.

This week, I will be staying late at college Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs. My excuse when college finishes next week, for not coming home, will be that I have a boyfriend (this is a lie, even though I am fucking some guy and living a little - yes I'm a bad person, but I wanna feel wanted).

The boy I was supposed to be going on another date with has cancelled, yet again. He has his Showcase on Wednesday and Thursday, and had to go and buy costumes and then babysit or some bullshit like that (he wanted to go out for a meal anyway, so that bodes well for me).

Last exam is the 7th June, Psychology... then it's over. I am running for 90 mins every day in 30 min stretches. As well as this, I will be doing Yogalates for an hour, and then the 10 minute Ab workout. I will be consuming low amounts of calories, because I have become 'vegetarian' (an excuse to consume less calories, as meals are vegetable based to save my parents some money - things aren't good at the moment, they own two businesses and their tax return is due, so times are tight).

I got 100% on my English Lit mock the other day, so I'm happy about that, and hope that I can perform that well in the exam on Monday. My teacher is the co-ordinator for Oxbridge applications, and he told me to talk to him about it when my exams are over, so I'll go and see him soon about that.

Over the Summer, it is my intention to get a job and some work experience, so hopefully I will be out of the house at meal times. That way I have an excuse. There aren't many jobs going at the moment, so if I don't have a job, then I'll be frequently visiting the local library to read, hopefully visiting my fuck-buddy, and hopefully the 'date-guy' (he's called John btw) will want me :)
 - Just to clarify, if John wants me to go out with him, things will get called off with the other guy, I don't cheat, though it does kind of sound like I am, doesn't it?!!

I hope everyone is ok, it's been a while since I've been on, sorry, exams and that :) xx

Last night

So I went out with that guy. He told me he wanted to do it again sometime. I got a hug.

Then today I was being all shy-ish, but after this PA show he sort of, well literally, ran off. I feel shit.

I've never felt like such a twat.

List of bad things:
 - failed driving test last wednesday
 - booked next driving test 1 day before A level exam
 - have exams starting in 2 weeks
 - man I like hates me
 - man who used me completely I'm still thinking about
 - I cannot look at myself without being repulsed
 - I just had an argument with my family, and now my phone won;t be fixed (yes, my iPhone is broken)

Good things:
 - I haven't eaten in 2 days.

That's all. Hope everyone is ok, its been a while.

What a shit day

Parents just found out that I smoke.

Am currently tipping the scales at 60kg after epic binge since Thursday.

Will be taking large mass of laxatives in a second.

Am exercising shit loads.

Will be 50kg again by the end of this week.

If I make 45kg by the mid-may, I will buy myself some nice clothing :D

I know why I'm eating... boredom. I'm in the house alone. So, I'm going to study at college, because it is open this week. Then I won't be tempted to eat.

I can't believe my parents know. Shit. Reminder for the duture: don't chuck fag butts out of bedroom window, when bedroom window is above the drive. FML

Date tomorrow.

I can't go. I can't can't can't go. I'm not good enough, and I'm too fat.

I don't know what I'll wear...

Last night I just cried about how fat I was. It's so stupid... But I still did it.

I just can't go out with a boy when I look like this.

It's half term now. So, I'm at home all day... No walking to college :(
I've decided, I will run every day - on the evening (on the treadmill, because going out is horrible) - and do my Yogalates of a morning. No more Zumba... my friend cannot afford it anymore, and I don't particularly want to go alone.

On a saddddd note, my friends want to go on holiday to Turkey - they have invited me. They want to drink all the time... and they want me to eat before I drink (shit).
How am I supposed to wear a bikini if I have bloated from eating too much?
I don't want to let them down though.

This is such a shit time to relapse.

I need Oxford... But, I need to be thin. Exercise?

This is going to sound stupid... But does exercise actually make you lose weight? Because I never remember losing any weight when I was fatter before.

Maybe it won't ever make me lose any weight... I have such a bad relationship with food... I either eat nothing or binge eat.

Fuck, before this 'date' tomorrow, I'll have to do a 30 minute run and some Yogalates. And then I'll have my 50 minute walk (I have to get to the train station and back). Hopefully, I'll look skinnier than usual... I said hopefully.

Oh for fuck sake... why can't food be in pill form? Then I can just not take the pill and lose weight.

Stay strong everyone... and please wish me luck with this shit.xx