Where have I been?

It's been ages since I last logged on here! So, I thought I'd catch up.

I now weigh 46kg, so I've lost a considerable amount, but not enough.

I realise I want thinness, but not to look good. Losing weight makes me feel good. I bought some scales a month or so ago and there's nothing better than stepping on them and seeing weight loss. That's all I feel I have control of in my life and the only thing I'm good at.

I have finished my A Levels and am doing a Summer job in a factory, so getting some horrible exercise lifting and stuff which is killing me!!

Anyway, the depression that I forgot came with malnourishment is back, and is honestly making me feel like I  want to die. Every second of the day.
Still, the scales make me feel good about myself.

I do eat every day now, but not a lot, and I'm still losing because I'm not binge eating at all.

I'm also going to Turkey in 3 weeks with my boyfriend and his family, so that should be nice.

I don't have a lot to say. I know where everything comes from, problem wise, but I don't want to fix it.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is well.

Argument.

My boyfriend and I just had an argument, and he was definitely in the wrong.

Instead of apologising and realising that this was the case, he is sat upstairs, whilst I'm crying downstairs.

Does he give a shit? NO.

Does he care when I don't eat for days? NO.

Does he even ask me if I want food anymore? NO.

Whilst I hate all of these questions, it's nice to feel like someone fucking cares.

I genuinely would rather be dead at the minute. No joke.

Barely eating anything at all.

Binges are incredibly small (I literally cannot eat more than a mouthfull without that uncomfortable sick feeling).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but those binges kept me going. I'm literally running on empty, without being able to enjoy anything.

Still, I reached a lower weight. I brought scales ;P

Getting Weaker.

I'm really starting to feel it now. I thought I'd be able to manage 2 whole weeks fasting or only eating salad with no binges and no cups of tea. I've eaten 2 salads (very small and consisting of mostly lettuce) since thursday 29th.

List of problems:

1. Aching ribs
2. Headaches
3. Dry mouth
4. Stomach pains
5. Weak legs
6. Shaking
7. Head rush if I stand
8. Head rush if standing too long
9. Breathlessness
10. Headrush when lying down
11. Dizziness
12. Fainting
13. Feet and hands going blue
14. Light-headed
15. Anger and frustration
16. Immense fear of over-eating
17. Crying and getting emotional
18. Constant looking at foods I want to eat online to keep self going (weird)
19. Tiredness
20. Nausea
21. Blurred vision

Man, I want to eat like crazy, but this is producing some serious adrenaline! 

Amazing idea.

I saw this on the blog of someone I follow, and thought it was a great idea, so I stole it :3

1. My goals:

• To become more confident and self-assured
• To get my 3 A's an get into Birmingham University
• To be less of a push-over
• To be a size 6 by Summer
• To get a job
• To fast without passing out or getting incredibly light-headed
• To stop drinking tea with milk in.

2. My plan of action

• Hold my head up high, and tell myself that I can achieve what I want to, every single day
• Revise revise revise. Try everything and anything: mind-maps, cue cards, reading etc.
• Start small: say no to people for little things, and work my way up!
• Continue the fast, stop the binge (not as easy as it seems obv, but strength here is paramount)
• Fill in the application form for my work guarantee!
• Well, that one is almost impossible!
• I like tea, but cut it down to one or two cups a day, instead of the usual 3 or 4

Sound good? Sound achievable? I dunno!

A little update

I haven't blogged in a while, and that's mainly because I've been to lazy to move!

I've had a couple of bad things happen recently, some family problems, etc. and that hasn't helped either. But yeah, I'm not on here to discuss family!!

I hope everyone else is fine. 

My boyfriend still doesn't seem to care that I don't eat because of him. He makes me eat something like every other day. It's currently Tuesday and I haven't eaten since Saturday (which was half a plate of salad). As you can imagine, I get extremely faint when I stand up!! It's so worth it. 

I started drinking fruit and herbal tea and squash to replace Pepsi Max and tea with milk, but I've ran out of both so I'll buy some more tomorrow. Also, it's extremely difficult, because that was where I got my energy from. 

I passed out last weekend, and hit my head! My boyfriend seemed fairly un-phased by it. I think he just wants me to be really skinny, which is fair enough, because I want to be too. Don't get me wrong, he could be completely ok with my weight and actually be worried, but I doubt it. He talks about it like I'm being silly or something. I don't care what he thinks, as long as he likes the end result. 

However, I did look in the mirror this morning, and saw my protruding shoulder/collar bone on my left shoulder, and that made me feel a little bit sick. I did talk myself out of that though, because bones are good. They show how hard I'm working and that it's paying off. 

To be fair, I don't want to be boney, but I need to loose inches off my thighs, and if I have to get boney to do that, then it'll be worth it. 

Also, it hurts when I sit on a hard floor, because my bum bones stick out a bit :D 

Sorry about the sketchy-ness of this..

I also went to a gig on Sunday, with my boyfriend, and we saw You Me At Six. I exercised as much as I could, and my legs were a couple cm thinner the next morning (this is jumping, walking for about an hour in total, and then walking about 30 mins to get home the next morning (oh, and we stayed in a travel lodge, so I burned sexy-time calories!)) 

That's about all I can thik of. Sorry about length and stuff :s

Depressed.

I wake up every morning wishing that I was dead.

I fucking hate what this does to me.